It Won't Rain
by MyTwiDreams
Summary: Alice falls hard for her cousin's charismatic best friend but the beautiful brunette doesn't seem that interested in returning her feelings. Or maybe she's just desperate to keep a secret. Bellice/AH. This story deals with GID Gender Identity Disorder
1. Chapter 1

[Disclaimer] SM owns all things Twilight

[A/N] I'm kind of stuck with my other works, so I decided to try something a bit different from what I usually write.

This story here is going to deal with GID (Gender Identity Disorder). If that topic makes you feel uncomfortable, feel free to leave now. For those of you who are still with me now. I hope you'll enjoy.

***1***

You need to learn to say no, Bella, I tell myself with a low sigh as I carefully apply a second layer of cherry-red lipstick on my mouth. Like always when I'm about to meet someone new, I'm wearing a bit more makeup than it would be necessary. But in a way all the powders, eyeliner and co are my shield. With them I feel more confident in my own skin. If it is possible for me to feel like that at all, that is. How must that be like to consider yourself pretty?

My phone starts ringing, and I quickly wrap a thin black silk scarf with little crystals around my throat before rushing down to the kitchen to answer the call. The scars of my latest surgery are finally starting to fade into a pale pinkish tone but I still feel more comfortable covering them up. I don't want anyone to notice. It could be so awkward.

Clearing my voice, I pick up the phone and take a deep breathe through my parted lips before speaking up. The voice part is still so very difficult for me, even after five years of speech therapy.

"Hello," I whisper, sitting down on the edge of my couch. My Siam cat jumps on my lap and I start caressing his brown fur with my fingertips as I listen to the familiar voice of my best friend at the other end of the line.

"Hi, Bella, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. How are you? Shouldn't you already be on the plane to your honeymoon yet?"

"We're at SEA TAC but all flights are delayed because of storm warnings. Good thing, Alice is coming to Seattle by car."

I can hear him slurp on something between his teeth before he continues speaking.

"Oh, before I forget it, sweetie; Tanya asked me to say hi to you."

What Tanya truly meant to say was probably something like; I hope the freak jumps off a cliff while we're gone. My best friend's beautiful new wife hates me with an almost sickish passion. Her problem is that she doesn't grasp the intensity of my friendship with Edward. How he can accept me so very easily the way I am instead of being disgusted like most other people. I don't even understand it myself but that doesn't make me one tiny bit less thankful for his never ending support and loyalty. Such a pity he has fallen in love with this awful harpy.

"Bella, are you still there?"

"Sure, I was just in thoughts. Tell her I said hello. I hope the two of you are going to have a wonderful time in Brazil. You deserve it."

"Thank you. Also, for letting Alice stay with you until we come back from our trip."

"You're welcome. You know I can't say no to you anyway, when you ask me a favor. The problem is just that I'm so terribly nervous about having someone here with me from back home. What if she remembers Brian?"

"Hasn't your therapist told you not to speak of yourself in third person?" he asks me reproachfully.

My therapist tells me a lot of stuff that I don't agree with, I think bitterly. Brian is dead. Just as I am dead to my own parents since the day, I finally managed to break the truth to them.

"Didn't Dr. Whitlock tell you to accept your past as a part of your life?"

I need to stop talking to Edward about my therapy lessons. He memorizes too much of it.

"Bella?"

"Maybe, he brought it up once or twice." I whisper hoarsely, running my manicured fingers through the light brown fur of the cat. Animals are so incredibly great. They never judge or ask unpleasant questions. If only humans were a bit more like that, my life could be so much easier.

"Whitlock is a smart man, much better than that awful woman you went to see before him. I didn't like her at all. As for Alice, please don't worry about that too much. The last time she saw you, she was five years old. I highly doubt you left that much of an impression on her. She hardly remembers me and I'm her cousin."

I can hear Tanya snarling something at him in the background and because I don't want to be the reason for another fight between the happily newly-weds, I tell Edward goodbye, wishing him and the strawberry-haired monster he married last Saturday a safe trip to Rio.

Then I stand up from the couch and walk through my spotless apartment, trying to check if I haven't forgotten to hide anything I don't want Edward's cousin to see. My pills are already in the safety of my closet, together with the little post-it that tells me at which exact time I am supposed to take them.

Explaining the injections in my fridge, that's going to be the difficult part but they need to be kept cool and so I have decided that I'm simply going to tell Alice that I have a mild form of Diabetes that requires Insulin injections every morning.

The doorbell rings and when I check the time on the delicate silver watch around my wrist, I wonder how she can already be here. She must either have been driving like a maniac or gotten up at an awfully early hour.

Lifting the cat up in order to keep him from sneaking out when I open the door, I try to prepare myself mentally for facing my new room-mate.

"Hi, I'm Alice!"

A pair of dainty arms is around me so quickly that I can't manage to step back fast enough. It is so random that someone touches me, that I let someone touch me. I can barely remember the last time someone hugged me.

"You must be Bella. It's so nice to meet you. We are going to be great friends. I know, we will."


	2. Chapter 2

[Disclaimer] SM owns everything Twilight

[A/N] No clue whether this update is going to work as ffnet has pulled one of my other stories and put me into author's jail. Not a thing that makes me very happy.

Anyway, I'm grateful for all the feedback and reviews I received for the first chapter. Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a comment. If you have any questions feel free to ask me in a review or send me a pm.

****2****

She likes talking. She likes talking a lot. That much is obvious after listening to her cheerful babbling for the rest of the afternoon. I learn that she has a younger sister names Cynthia and that she had to move way too often for her liking because her stepfather was in the Military.

"Seattle is so big. I'm going to get lost. My sense of orientation is basically none existent."

"I can show you around a bit if you want me to. Edward wouldn't like it too much, if he returned and I had to confess that you haven't returned from a shopping trip.

"I love shopping. We have to go together some time."

I sigh deeply, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb in an attempt to fight off a beginning migraine. The new estrogen pills my endocrinologist prescribed me are stronger than the ones I had before. I like the effect that is having on my skin but as for my headaches—they are so very exhausting.

"Don't you like shopping?"

"I order most of my stuff through the internet. It's much more comfortable."

And much less embarrassing, I add silently in my head.

"But where's the fun in that?"

"Shopping is not that fun for someone my size."

"You should be lucky that you are that tall. Like a freaking model. Are all the women in your family like you?"

The _women_ in my family are small and slender. I'm the one who has been forced through the horrors of male puberty with the result of being stuck at 5.9 for the rest of my life. I hate being tall. It makes me too visible while I want nothing more than to be invisible.

"Bella?"

"My mother was around 5.9 but my father's sister was pretty tall. I don't remember her very well though."

I remember how she almost fainted when she caught me playing in Mom's dresses when I was a child. How she yelled and called me a sick freak until my father told her to shut the fuck up. That this was just a phase and that all kids would go through stuff like that while growing up.

The problem with some phases is that they don't end, no matter how hard you keep wishing for it.

"Was?"

"Was what?"

"You said your mother was. Is she dead?"

I suck at lying although I'm forced to lie like twenty-four hours every goddamn day and so I simply nod my head instead of answering her verbally.

She places he tiny hand on mine and squeezes it gently, rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand.

"I'm so sorry for your loss. Have the two of you been close? My own mom and I, we don't get along that well. She has trouble accepting me the way I am."

When she says the last part a frown appears on her pretty face. It's only for a split second but it sends an unpleasant feeling straight into my heart. I don't like her feeling bad about anything.

"Are you hungry?" I ask her in an attempt to distract her and lead our conversation to safer topics, topics that aren't filled with hurtful memories.

She nods her head and I cringe a bit at the difference of height between the two of us as she follows me into my kitchen. Compared to me, Alice seems so incredible fragile. It makes me want to protect her and that's something I don't like too much. Guys protect girls. You are not a guy for fucks sake.

"Is Mac & Cheese okay?"

"I love it. Do you want me to make some salad to go with it?"

Not waiting for me to answer, she opens the fridge, instantly noticing the plastic box filled with the injection needles.

"What's that?" she asks, lifting one of them up to take a closer look.

"Insulin," I mumble, clearing my throat nervously. "Please don't touch that."

"You have Diabetes? Which type?"

Crap, there are several of them? Why are there several of them?

"Type one." I whisper, hoping that she won't continue asking me about that any further. I know shit about Diabetes.

"Oh I see. I'm sorry for touching your medicine. It won't happen again."

She pulls some tomatoes out of the fridge and rinses them under the faucet before cutting them into thin slices. Her lips form the melody of an old country song and I can feel my own mouth lifting up into a smile while I watch her. She is such a joyful person that it is impossible to not open up your heart to her at least a tiny bit.

When she tries to reach the bowl from the cupboards she has to stand up on her toes and I sigh deeply before handing it to her.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Do you want to have some wine with Dinner?"

"I don't drink. Alcohol doesn't lead to me making very considerate decisions."

"Probably. I have some diet coke here, if you like that better."

"I do. Look, aren't you too hot wearing that scarf while you're cooking?"

I shake my head and touch my silk covered throat with trembling fingers before her dainty fingers reach the thin material of my scarf.

"Don't touch me." I snarl at her, a bit harsher than it would have been necessary.

She drops her hands and steps back, her grey eyes widening fearfully in her beautiful elfin-like face.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "I didn't mean to be so rude to you. It's just that I don't like it when someone touches me so unexpectedly."

"I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Let me know when Dinner is ready. I'm in my room, trying to squeeze the content of my suitcases into this tiny little nothing of a closet."


	3. Chapter 3

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to SM

[A/N] This story deals with GID (Gender Identity Disorder) and if you can't handle that sort of topic, feel free to leave.

I'm grateful for everyone who took the time to read and review. Feedback, especially encouraging one is highly appreciated.

Warning; So, before people start complaining and leave hateful comments, I decided to give you an extra warning before the chapter. Bella is a pre-op transgender in this story, meaning that she still has some parts of her male anatomy. If you can't stomach that – stop reading right now.

**FAQ's**

*Is Bella a guy?

No, she's not. She's a transsexual woman. The fact that she hasn't –yet- completed her transition doesn't make her a guy.

*How can she be attracted to Alice when she is transgender?

Transgender people, like the rest of mankind can be gay, straight, bi or asexual.

If you have any more questions let me know.

****3****

I'm starting to like her, like really like her and that's a mistake but I just can't help it. She's so gorgeous. I want to be like her. I want to be with her, but of course there is no chance this is ever going to happen.

Agreeing to let Edward's cousin live with me has probably been a mistake from the beginning but liking her _that way_ is a mistake beyond any mistakes. It's awkward and most of all it is too risky. If she finds out what I am, she's most likely going to freak and I don't know if I can handle that drama once again. I'm so tired of it.

The problem is that Alice is so incredibly nice to me despite me snapping at her. It's her being nice to me, that holds something I'm not used to but enjoy way more than it is good for me. With her everything seems so normal somehow and I've craved for a bit of plain, dull everyday life for so very long now.

I don't want to lose this but losing it is irrevocably going to happen once she discovers the truth about me. Maybe it would have been better if Edward had told Alice everything about me before she came here.

"Have I done anything wrong? You seem mad at me somehow." she asks me suddenly, looking up from the cup of green tea between her hands.

I cringe and choke on the piece of dry bagel in my mouth before I manage to calm myself enough to answer her.

"No, I'm not mad at you. What makes you think that?"

It's probably the fact that you have been acting like an embittered bitch towards her during the entire last week. Damn it, Bella.

"You seem tensed all the time, like you don't really like having me here, but you're not saying anything about it. Edward has talked you into letting me stay with you hasn't he?"

"Yes, he did but it's ok. It's just for a few more weeks."

"Hmm,"

She stands up from her chair and starts putting the dirty plates into the dishwasher. When I hand her my cup our fingertips touch against each other for a split second. Heat spreads through me and I try to ignore the feeling as much as I can.

"How close are you and Edward?"

"Well, he's my best friend. Why are you asking?"

Her cheeks blush into an adorable crimson color and when she speaks up again she stammers nervously.

"I assumed he would have told you about me. But maybe he was worried that you wouldn't want to let me live with you if you knew."

"If I knew what?" I ask her, letting my eyes move down her delicate body. The material of her tank top is so thin that I can see the outlines of her small breasts through it. The disgusting thing between my thighs reacts almost instantly to that visual and twitches. Shouldn't the testosterone blockers help with that sort of problem? Maybe I should ask the doctors for a higher doses. I definitely need every kind of help fighting my physical attraction for the dainty woman in front of me. It is pointless and will lead to nothing but me getting hurt all over again, most likely even worse than before.

She grabs the hem of her shirt between her fingers, lifting it up a bit so that I can see the tiny crystal of her belly button piercing. I want to run my tongue around it.

Sicko - Stop starring at her right now, you sick piece of shit.

"Well, I like girls— a lot."

And I would like being a girl a lot, I think bitterly while I watch fascinated how her upper lip gets attacked by her pearly-white front teeth.

"I don't usually tell people I'm gay when I don't know them very well but as you are acting so tensed around me, I just wanted to make sure that you don't have a problem with it."

"No," I whisper. "No problem. You can be with whoever you want to be. It's your life."

"I didn't want to be with someone in a long time although I have to admit that I miss the sex a lot."

When she says that her eyes sparkle and I can't manage to look longer at the clear grey of their iris as for a second. The heat is back again, overwhelming me so much that I have to lean my head against the cold metal of the fridge. Then I feel the familiar throbbing of a beginning erection between my legs and press my hand against my crotch so harshly it is painful. God, damn it—

"Are you okay?" she asks me worriedly, placing her hand on my bare forearm.

"It was just a cramp. I'm going to take a shower now." I mumble, trying to keep my breathing calm.

Locked inside the security of my small bathroom I cover the mirror with a towel before stepping out of my clothes. As usually I avoid looking down at myself at any cost. I don't need to see _it_. It's bad enough that I can feel and right now I feel more than I can handle. My semi hard erection turns into a full one when the warm water of the shower starts pouring down on me. I should just turn the water above me to ice cold and end this unwanted reaction of my body but somehow I can't. My trembling fingers close around the hard shaft and while I move them up and down, I can't stop imagining my hand being hers.

Biting my fist in order to suppress a deep-throated groan I release against the glass wall of the shower as my climax makes my entire body shudder with pleasure.


	4. Chapter 4

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank you for all the alerts and especially those of you who left me some feedback. It means so much to me.

As always feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

****4****

I hate my therapy lessons. It seems awkward to me to talk to a random stranger about whatever is going on in my head. But the weekly meetings with Dr. Whitlock are an inevitable part of my transition. If only I could convince this man to sign the papers I need him to sign so that I can finally make up an appointment for my—

"Bella, you need to focus a bit more. Our time is limited. Why don't you tell me how you've been this week?"

"It was okay. My best friend's cousin is living with me now. She's a nice girl."

"That's good to hear. Have you told her that you are transgender?"

"What for should I do that?" I snarl at him, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"I could give you a long list of reasons but as our time is running out, I will keep it short for you. You should tell her because it's fair."

"Who has ever been fair to me for being honest? I have no friends apart from Edward and the folks from my self-support group. Alice is a nice girl. She makes me feel normal when I'm with her. That's not something I'm willing to lose."

"Do you think lying to her is having a good influence on your friendship with said girl?" he asks me shoving his glasses up his nose again. I'm sure he's only wearing those because he thinks it makes him look smart somehow.

"Bella, honesty is an important part in any kind of relationship. I assure you that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

"I am not ashamed. I just prefer keeping some things to myself. And whatever is or isn't having an influence on my relationship with Alice, it sure as hell is none of your business."

"Wow. You're passionate about her. May I ask how you feel about this…what was her name again…Abby?"

"It's Alice and no you may not ask about her. I don't want to talk about her."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to because it makes me feel uncomfortable discussing her with you."

"Are you in love with her?" he asks me, nibbling on the end of his pen before scrawling down some more notes.

"I don't like the way she makes me feel and at the same moment I like it a great deal. Sounds pretty weird doesn't it?"

"No, it doesn't. Is it scaring you that you're developing romantic feelings for a girl?"

"I don't have any romantic feelings for her. I don't know what kind of feelings I'm having. I like her. She's so nice to me. When she hugs me or touches my hand it's like she's setting my skin on fire."

"I assure you that it's perfectly normal to feel that way."

I clear my throat and swallow twice before asking him the question that I have managed to suppress during the last ten meetings with him.

"When are you going to sign the papers for my operation?"

"When I decide that you are ready for this step. Right now you should try to focus on other things in your life."

"Please, just sign the papers. I need this surgery so very much. I don't think I can wait any longer."

Stop begging this arrogant man right now. It makes you look desperate. Well, let's face it. You are desperate but still. Where is your pride, Bella?

"Please, I really do need the surgery. My life would be so much better if I didn't have this disgusting thing anymore."

"Time is up. I see you next week. Oh and Bella, the problems in your life aren't going to vanish with your SRS."

Back home I find Alice asleep on the couch and for a moment I just sit down next to her, fighting the incredibly strong urge to circle my fingers down the inside of her arm. Then I take a blanket and put it carefully over her dainty body.

"You are back." She mumbles, opening her eyes again.

"Yes, I am. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay. I was just tired from the painkillers I took. I fucking hate my period so very much. Don't we all?"

I nod my head and try to remember if I still have my Alibi tampons in the bathroom. Buying them has filled me with such an almost sickish joy, it's pathetic.

"Do you have cramps?" I ask her, placing my hand hesitantly on her lower abdomen. She sighs as I start rubbing my fingers over her skin in slow circles.

"Oh that's better. How was the appointment with your doctor?"

"Not that good." I whisper, circling my thumb over her piercing.

"I'm sorry about that. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"But maybe it would make you feel better."

What would make me feel better is this goddamn sheet of papers for my vaginoplasty. No one wants to help me. I wished I was dead.

"Hey, why are you crying now?"

"It's nothing." I sob, standing up from the couch. She grabs my hand to keep me where I am. "Please, let me go. I would like to be alone now."

Inside my room, I bury my face against my pillows, trying to suffocate my sobs. My throat is raw when I feel Alice hugging my tightly from behind.

"I'm so sorry you are sad. Isn't there anything I can do for you?"

Can you cut off my dick for me?

"No, there is not." I whisper hoarsely, reaching for a tissue on my nightstand. An old Polaroid picture falls down and Alice manages to grab it before me.

"Oh, such a cute boy. Is that your brother? He has the same eyes as you."


	5. Chapter 5

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I'm thrilled beyond words by the incredible response I'm receiving for this little story here. Your reviews encourage me to contiue writing, so keep them coming.

As always, feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****5****

Sometimes when you start lying to someone it gets easier with every new lie you tell. At least most of the time it was like that for me, it had been like that for me. But of course with Alice everything was different.

"That must have been hard for you losing your twin brother." she mumbles, stirring the little Marshmallow's in her hot chocolate around before taking a first hesitant sip on the hot drink.

"I prefer not talking about him, if that's okay." I whisper, starring out of the kitchen window. The sky outside is pitch-black and the strong wind that is blowing through the trees is already hinting to the nearing of a thunderstorm. I loved those when I was a little kid.

She nods her head and lifts her cup to her full mouth again. The brownish mark the drink leaves on her lower lip makes me want to run the tip of my tongue over it. I bet from that source the chocolate would taste twice as sweet.

Damn it, Bella. Stop thinking about her like that. It's so hopeless. There is no way she could ever accept someone like you, especially not at your current status. She's a lesbian. That most likely means she is repulsed by anything male-related. So, how could you ever be with her while you still have this thing down there?

"Bella, would you like to go out with me some time?"

Her cheeks turn into that beautiful crimson again when she stumbles out the question. For a moment I'm too shocked to react and she instantly seems to take that as a no.

"Forget it. It was a stupid idea. I'm probably not your type."

You are my type way more than you should be my type, I think sadly in my head.

"You're a very pretty girl." I whisper, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "But I'm not right for you."

"Why?" she asks me, standing up from her chair.

When she walks towards me, I feel the thrumming of my heart in my chest increasing to an almost painfully speed.

"I don't know. Well, I'm not like you. I'm different…sort of."

"Oh I get it. You are straight."

I'm probably the complete opposite of straight but anyway. If her thinking me straight ends this tension between us, I'll go with it.

"Yes," I tell her, trying to keep my voice hard. "I'm straight."

"Too bad." she whispers. "I actually thought you had a thing for me. Usually I'm good with reading the signs but anyway. You can't help it if you like dicks."

Liking dicks? I don't even like my own and can't wait to get rid of it. But the thought of touching a man's genitalia is simply repulsing to me. I like women, their warmth and softness. I wished I could bring up the courage to just lean forward and kiss the tiny raven-haired beauty in front of me.

I don't dare too. It's too risky.

"We could still go out, as friends, can't we? See a movie or something."

"Sure, if you liked that. It will be fun."

Yeah, sitting next to her in a dark movie theatre with her thigh touching accidentally against my knee that sounds like a hell lot of fun and torture combined all in one.

"Great. You can choose the movie, if you want to. Probably you want to see something with a hot guy in it. I wonder what your type is, someone like Edward perhaps? That would suck because he's taken now."

"Edward is like my brother. The thought of me and him together, that's just weird."

She places her delicate hand on my forearm and runs her fingertips down my pale skin until she reaches my fingertips.

"You don't prick your fingers."

"What?"

"Your fingertips, you don't prick them. I always thought diabetic patients would need to do that in order to check their blood sugar."

"Mind your own business." I hiss at her, turning around to rush out of the kitchen. In the living room, I kneel down on the couch and bury my face on my knees.

Stupid, stupid, Bella, congratulations on your incredible stupidity.

"Hey, why are you so mad at me now? You're acting like you are ashamed of being sick."

"You are so very observant. I can't handle that. It makes me feel like being watched 24/7."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I have a tendency to just say everything that comes up in my mind before considering if it's ok. My ex hated that on me."

"How long have the two of you been together?" I ask her in an attempt to lead our conversation from me and my so-called medical problems to her.

"About two years."

"That's a long time."

"It was too long actually. I should have broken up with her earlier but I was too chicken to be alone. Pretty pathetic isn't it?"

"No, it's not. A lot of people have problems with being alone. Do you miss her?"

"She was a bitch to me most of the time but still I miss being taken care of. I don't miss being commanded around all the time. Oh and of course, I miss the sex. I thought about buying some toys for me but I'm too shy to go to a shop."

"You could probably order them online." I whisper, trying to ignore the beginning stirring of my dick in my sweatpants.

"Are you alright, your face looks a bit flushed."

"I'm just warm." I state, placing a pillow on my crotch in an attempt to hide my erection.

Hearing her talk about sex while she is sitting close to me isn't something my traitorous body is able to handle very well. I want her so very badly but I know I can never have her.


	6. Chapter 6

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I've done some research on SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery) and it scared the living shit out of me. It makes me want to let Bella keep her male-parts, but I'm not sure about that yet. I mean, we know what she wants, don't we?

Anyway, I'm flattered by the incredible interest people are having in my little story here. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to leave me some feedback.

****6****

It takes me over two hours to prepare myself mentally and physically for my non-date with Alice. At first I take a shower and try to solve a bit of the tension in the least favorite part of my body by rubbing my palm up and down my hardened length until I can hear the beginning spasms of my climax. It is her face that I picture in front of me in that very moment and that makes the entire procedure even sicker than it already is. I shouldn't be able to feel anything with my dick. I hate it. I wished I would bring up the courage to just cut if off. You can survive doing that sort of stuff. Can't you?

Afterwards I massage some body lotion into my skin that smells deliciously of oranges and cinnamon. My fingers cup my breasts, circling a bit over the soft mounds. I like how they feel against my palm, like they were always meant to be there. The result of five years of estrogen treatment is amazing. By now they are a nice c-cup and I probably won't even need to undergo a breast surgery. At least one surgery I won't need. The thought puts a bitter smile on my face.

I apply my makeup in a calm routine, trying to focus my attention on not messing up my eye-liner. When I'm finished I force myself to smile at myself. You look alright, I whisper. Then I circle my thumb hesitantly over my chin, searching for any hints of unwanted hair. There hasn't been any in over a year. Not since I completed my last electrolysis session but still. I would rather die than ever having to shave my face again.

Stepping inside a shoulder-free top and a plain black skirt, I turn around and risk a hesitant look into the full length mirror.

So, this is as good as it's going to get, Bella. Try to get used to it. This is you.

When I open the bathroom door, Alice is standing right in front of me.

"I felt very tempted to make sure you hadn't fainted underneath the shower or something."

"Sorry, I tend to lose track of time now and then. Are we going to be late?"

She shakes her head and walks around me, her eyes wandering up and down on my body. Maybe I should better have put on a blouse and a pair of jeans.

"Wow, that's a cute tattoo." she whispers, letting the tip of her dainty finger circle over my shoulder. "A mermaid; how did you come up with that?"

I take a step backwards and grab my jacket from the couch before putting it on. The touch of her fingers has managed to set something like a zillion butterflies free and all of them are swirling around in my stomach.

"Bella?"

"I always liked mermaids so much when I was a little child. I mean, they are pretty awesome, aren't they?

And they don't have to worry about their genitalia. I would change this thing down there for a tail anytime.

During the drive to the movie theatre both of us are silent and only Alice's humming to the music in the radio makes me aware that I'm not alone in the car.

"Don't take this wrong but you really do look lovely tonight."

"What?"

"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable by complimenting you. I know you don't share my interests in women."

I'm interested in you. That and in getting my goddamn vaginoplasty as soon as possible. If I had that my life would be so much easier. Would Alice notice the difference between me and a biological woman? My face heats at the thought and I'm glad for the horrible neon light inside the movie theatre.

"Bella! How nice to see you around."

I swallow hard and sigh deeply. James and Victoria are the last two people on earth that I want to meet. Victoria goes to the same self-support group as me and I can't stand that woman for crying out loud. She thinks herself a star because she is dating this moron of a porn producer now but the truth is that she is selling whatever is left of her soul by staring in these she-male porn movies.

"Hi," I mumble towards the ground.

"You look hot today, B. Your passing is so incredible."

"Vicky, please. Keep your mouth shut."

Alice returns with the tickets and because James and Vicky are still standing right next to me I'm forced to introduce them to her.

"Always nice to meet, Bella's friends," Vicky tells her, trying to keep her voice overly high and sweet.

"I'm sorry but we have to leave now. See you soon." I tell them, wrapping my arm around Alice's tiny waist to pull her away from them.

"These are friends of yours?"

"Not exactly,"

"The dude was scary somehow."

"I know. Can we please not talk about them now? I don't want them to ruin our evening."

She nods her head and sits down on her seat, taking a sip from the coke before she starts nibbling on the popcorn. I'm way too nervous to eat myself but when the lights go out, I still reach out my hand to take a handful of the buttered popcorn.

The movie is gross, a bloodbath from the first minute, without any sort of alibi plot between the fight sequences. I spend more time looking at Alice who is biting her fingernails instead of paying attention to what is going on on the screen.

Suddenly, she drops the popcorn to the ground and wraps her arms around my neck, burying her face against my chest.

"Tell me when it's over okay?" she whispers while my senses go in some sort of overload modus. Her smell, like sweet vanilla and the feeling of her warm, delicate body so close to mine are more than I can endure. But still, I just can't find it in me to push her away.


	7. Chapter 7

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows kisses to her lovely readers. Thanks for your reviews. Your support means so much to me.

**FAQ's**

Is Victoria transgender too?

Yes, she is. In fact there are quite a few characters in the story with GID in this story, also FtM transgenders. We'll meet some of them in the next chapter. Are you curious?

As always, feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****7****

The tension between me and Alice is so strong that I can hardly endure being in the same car with her during our ride home from the movie theatre Every time she touches me accidentally while she fumbles around on the radio stations I jump. It is a miracle that we make it home without crashing against a tree or another car.

"Are you mad at me because the movie sucked? You shouldn't have let me pick one."

"I'm not mad at you."

"But you're so quiet."

I sigh deeply and turn the engine of the car off.

"Not everyone likes talking as much as you do."

Crap. That came out so rude. God damn it, Bella. You're so stupid.

Alice's face reddens and she leans forward, pretending to tie her shoe laces again. Unfortunately that gives me a deeper view right into her cleavage and I feel the blood rushing into my groin when I see the black lace of her bra looking so temptingly against her pale skin.

"I'm sorry," both of us whisper simultaneously.

A shy smile flashes over Alice's pretty face and I want to plant a soft kiss over the cute dimples in her cheeks so very badly that my lips start prickling nervously.

"There was something strange about that red-headed woman we met at the movie theatre. I just don't know what it was. Maybe I've seen her before somewhere."

For a split second I wonder if it could be that Alice has seen one of Vicky's movies. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. The hardcore porn shit Vicky's boyfriend/pimp/manager is producing with her isn't something I would like Alice to see. She seems so innocent to me, like she knows nothing about the evil in the world.

"From where do you know her?"

"Doesn't matter," I mumble, remembering that my self-support group has its monthly meeting tomorrow night. Maybe I should discuss my unwanted feelings for the beautiful dark-haired woman, who is living with me now, with them. I make a mental note to give it a try. Usually I talk to Edward when I have anything that bothers me but as he's away on his honeymoon with his witch of a wife, I can't discuss my problems with him.

"I'll be reading in my room to not disturb you anymore with my permanent talking." Alice mumbles, grabbing a book from the wooden shelf in my living room.

Before she turns around I place my hand on her forearm, trying to ignore the tingly feeling in my stomach as our skin touches.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that when I told you that not everyone likes talking so much as you. I like that you are so bubbly, I really do."

She reaches out her hand and twists a wisp of my long hair around her fingers, playing a bit with it before letting it go with a deep sigh.

"I don't get you."

"What?"

"I don't get you. Sometimes, I feel like as if you feel the same attraction towards me than I feel for you but then you always shrug back. It's as if you were afraid to burn yourself if you touch me."

"Alice, please. I am not for right for you. As I already told you I'm different…kind of."

"You've only been with men before. It's understandable that it makes you nervous that you feel drawn towards a woman now."

"I'm not attracted to you. You're seeing things that aren't really there."

My heart cramps painfully in my chest. Of all the lies I have told her so far, this seems like the worst. It's because as soon as the words are out of my mouth I see the disappointment in her grey eyes.

She nods her head and goes to her room while I remain sitting on the couch to zap through the channels until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

The door to my bedroom is pulled open, and I swallow hard when she closes the distance between the door and my bed with a few graceful steps. She's completely naked and when she sits down next to me, I lean forward, cupping her small breasts in my hands to massage them until the tiny nipples are hard against my palms.

"You want me, don't you? I can feel it." her voice is hoarse against my ear while her dainty hand moves underneath the blanket to wrap her warm fingers around my shaft.

"So hard for me, aren't you?"

I kiss her lips, letting my tongue glide inside her mouth with a loud groan.

Pulling her on top of me, I can feel the slick wetness on her bare pussy lips against my length as I rub it up and down a bit, coating myself in her warm essence.

"Fuck me. Oh please fuck me."

Her moans make my dick throb with need and the moment I push inside her tight heat, I wake up again. My skin covered in a thin layer of sweat. My sheets are sticky with the aftermath of my release.

I change them with trembling hands and because I know that there is no way for me going back to sleep, I grab the ruined sheets from the ground to start the laundry.

"Can't you sleep?" A tired voice mumbles behind me and I drop the stain remover to the ground.

"Crap,"

"Did I startle you? I'm sorry about that."

"Alice, please stop apologizing all the time. It makes me feel awkward."

"I'm sor- Forget it. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong with you."

"It's not you. It's just me. You are confusing me so much. I like you but we can't be together. It's impossible."

She stands up on her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek, caressing my hair with her fingertips before she speaks up again.

"Tell me you don't like me."

"I do like you. I just can't be with you. I'm not right for you."

"You keep repeating yourself. Don't you think that I should be the one to decide who is wrong or right for me?"


	8. Chapter 8

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for the alerts and your encouraging reviews. They make my little writer's heart go fast. Can we manage to break the 100th review mark with this update? That would be so amazing.

**FAQ's**

Did Bella like guys before she met Alice?

No, she has never been with a man. Before starting her transition she had already dated some girls. But those relationships didn't work out because B. didn't feel comfortable as the male partner in the relationship.

What's the difference between a transgender and a person with GID?

Well, there is none. You could also call them transsexuals if you preferred that.

As always, feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

****8****

„And what did you answer her?" Jake asks me, crumbling the empty can of root beer between his fingers. The muscles in his upper arm flexed against the fabric of his shirt, almost tearing the sleeves apart. How much weight had he gained in the last six month? About thirty pounds?

I was almost a hundred percent sure that he was on some illegal steroids and combined with the testosterone injections it made him such an awfully aggressive person.

"Hello, earth to Bella? What did you tell Edward's cousin?"

"I told her that I wanted to be friends, just friends." I mumble, hugging myself as if I was afraid to fall apart. The sad expression on Alice's face when I had rejected her pained me greatly.

Leon chuckles bitterly before spitting a toothpick he had been chewing to the ground.

"_Friends_," he made the word two syllables. "Last time I checked being friends doesn't include having wet dreams about said friend."

"Oh Leon, just shove it. You're just jealous because you don't get any wet dreams."

"He doesn't have friends either cause he's still a bitch." Erica stats, crossing her left leg carefully over her right one. I envied her so much for already having completed all her surgeries, and if I hadn't been so shy, I would have asked her to let me take a look at her brand new vagina.

"You're all a bunch of whiny shitheads and none of you has a backbone." Leon growls crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Why are you hanging out with us then?" Vicky asks him, as usually speaking in an overly sweet tone.

"My therapist is forcing me to attend this bullshit here. If I'll stop, she won't sign the fucking papers for my mastectomy."

Ben sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose before clearing his voice loudly.

"Guys, please. Do I really have to remind you of the basic rules of this group? We are here to support each other. No judging and no trading insults. Don't you think we get enough of that outside this room?"

"But Bella's whining about this Andy…Abby or whatever her name is; it's pissing me off." Leon says with the usual frown upon his face. He was such a horribly embittered person, it was unbearable.

"Alice. Her name is Alice." I whisper, staring down at my freshly manicured hands in my lap. "Her name is Alice and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't remember having felt like this ever before in my life. I'm in love. God, this is so hopeless."

"Don't say that. I think that you should consider telling her the truth." Erica says, taking my hand to squeeze it. "Chillex a bit. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"She could freak and run. Remember when Edward told Tanya that I was transgender? She made a hysterical scene right in the middle of the restaurant, as if I was about to rape her or something."

"Edward's wife knows shit. Tanya is a just a bitch in need of a Green Card." Leon says, pulling another toothpick out of the pockets of his jeans.

"Yeah one bitch always knows another." Jake stats flexing his biceps again. Why the hell was he doing that all the time? It was so ridiculous.

"Watch your mouth, Black, before I make pick up your front teeth from the floor."

"Guys! It's enough now. I'm losing my patience with the two of you."

"Sure, sure."

"Jake, I mean it. The purpose of this group is not to provoke each other."

"Exactly," Erica whispers, rubbing her thumb over my wrist. I pull my hand away from her because this small tender caress makes me feel awkward somehow. I wasn't interested in starting anything with her, although that would be so very much easier than with Alice.

"I say Bella should tell Alice. Maybe she'll even think it's hot that Bella has some extra parts. I mean, dykes use toys all the time, don't they. Your cock is like a natural dildo…sort of."

"Vicky, you want me to think of this thing down there as a toy?" I ask her, unable to suppress the disgust in my voice.

"I say, make the best of your body. If you weren't such a prude, you could make tons of money with movies and cam stuff. James would love to hire you."

"Not interested."

"Why? It's just sex. Don't you need the extra money for your bottom surgery?"

"I have the money I inherited from my late grandmother to use it for my surgery. Thanks for your concern. The thing is, I don't want to fuck with some random stranger in front of a camera. The thought is just disgusting to me."

"But you want to fuck that little black-haired girl, don't you. Guys, let me tell you. She's a real looker. No wonder Bella is horny for her. I would love to fuck her senseless myself."

"YOU will leave her alone. I swear, if I find out about you starting any moves on her, you'll regret it."

"Protective about her, aren't you? Crap, you really have it thick for her."

"Mind your own business."

"Time's up." Ben told us, standing up from his chair. "I'll see you all on Saturday at the wedding. Try not to embarrass me in front of my fiancée."

"We're all going to cheer for you and Angie." Erica stats cheerfully before grabbing her handbag. "I'm so happy the authorities finally changed your papers so that the two of you can tie the knot."

When the others are out of the room, I sigh deeply and start to pile the plastic chairs in a corner.

"Bella, you really should talk to Alice. All this telling lies, it won't lead to anything good." Ben tells me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"But I'm scared." I whisper hoarsely. "What if—?"

"Stop worrying about that so much. If she can't accept you the way you are, well than she's just not the one for you."


	9. Chapter 9

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows kisses to her lovely readers. Thank you so much for supporting my story. It means so much to me.

**FAQ's**

Is Leon Lauren in this story?

He's Leah. The other members of the group should be easier to figure out for you. And no, Mike won't make an appearance as Michelle although the idea seems quite appealing to me.

Do you know how it's like to be transgender?

Well, I'm a biological woman, so no, I don't. I also don't know how it's like to be a psychic vampire, a mother, a bulimic teenager or a gay man. I like getting into the head of interesting characters and it also helps me grow as an author.

I had a friend who is transgender and although I sometimes feel as if no one is noticing it – I do this thing called research. I'm not claiming for this story to be realistic. It's meant to be entertaining, nothing more.

Thanks for your interest in my story and as always feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****9****

Alice is in her room when I make it home, her eyes focused on the sunflower painting in front of her. There is a tiny droplet of yellow paint on her left cheek and I lean forward to rub it away with a cloth that's laying on her nightstand. The small room is terribly crowded. Maybe she needs more space to work?

"The painting is so pretty. You're talented." I tell her, admiring her work.

"Thanks. But the truth is that it's really bad. I'll never be good enough. Lauren was right about that. I'm wasting my time with this instead of focusing on College."

I sit down on the edge of the twin bed and sigh deeply. My throat feels too tight to speak at all but somehow I manage it.

"Is this Lauren your ex?"

"Yes, she is. Maybe I should have stayed with her. At least I wouldn't be alone than."

"But you told me that she treated you badly. I don't understand why you would want her back."

Alice sits down next to me, placing her dainty hand on my thigh. The touch of her fingers is sending a wave of pleasant warmth through my body. God, damn it, Bella, try to focus. You are here to tell her the truth. You have to tell her the truth.

"Why don't you want to be with me? Is it because I'm a girl or am I unattractive somehow?"

"What? No, of course not. You are the prettiest girl I ever met. Like I told you before, the problem is me, not you."

"I think that's a lame excuse. If you like me, why don't you want to be with me?"

"Alice, please, this is so complicated. I don't know how to start."

"Starting is easy," Alice whispers hoarsely before she cups my face carefully in both of her small hands. I hold my breath when her lips touch mine tenderly. Her kiss is so soft and in that very moment I feel more feminine than ever before in my life.

The tip of her tongue circles over my upper lip, teasing it playfully until I finally part my mouth with a moan. The feeling of my tongue against hers is heavenly. Before I can consider the possible consequences of my actions I pull her on my lap, wrapping my arms around her waist while our lips and tongues move with each other. Then she starts sucking gently on my tongue and the sensations this caress sends through my body are so overwhelming that my eyes roll back in my head.

I can feel the pulsing in my dick as it hardens underneath Alice's backside and quickly I try to shove her down again but it's already too late. She has noticed _it_.

"Oh my God, what's that? What are you? Is this some kind of weird joke?"

She practically jumps from my lap, her entire body trembling so much that she collapses to the ground in a corner of the room.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper through the tears that start pouring down my face like fresh rain. All the tension of the last weeks breaks free and I can't manage to calm myself down again.

Alice cries too, silently, rocking herself back and forth while dry sobs leave her quivering lips. I wonder if she's going to go into some shocked mode now. Damn it, I didn't mean for her to find out like this.

"What are you? I don't understand this. You feel soft, like a woman. I felt your breasts against mine through your shirt. How can you have a…cock?" the last word dies in her throat and it breaks my heart that I managed to scare her so very much. I want to be dead, just dead so that I don't have to deal with this horrible situation now.

"Alice," I start eventually, kneeling down in front of her. I wipe my running nose at the back of my hand and take several deep breaths before speaking up.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how. I was scared."

"I'm the one who's scared now." Alice mumbles, searching the pockets of her jeans for a tissue. When she eventually finds one, she blows her nose loudly. Her hands are still trembling. Crap, did I actually frighten her so much?

"Please let me explain." I whisper, reaching out my hand to place it on hers.

"Don't touch me!"

"I'm sorry. Oh Alice, I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Please, don't be afraid. I won't harm you. You don't have to be afraid."

"Promise?"

"I swear. I could never hurt you. It's impossible. You mean so much to me."

"Bella; is that even your real name?"

"Yes it is. But it's not the name my parents chose for me when I was born. Do you remember the Polaroid of my twin that you found?" I ask her, my voice shaking more with every word that comes out of my mouth.

"Brian, wasn't it? Who died in the same car accident as your parents."

"There has never been a car accident. My mother and my father are still living in Forks. They are the neighbors of your uncle Carlisle and your aunt Esme. I haven't spoken one single word to my parents in years. I'm the one who's dead to them."

"And what about Brian? Aren't you talking to him as well?"

"Well, he wasn't my brother. He was…god, this is so difficult. I was him and you can't even imagine how much I hated being him. I wanted to kill myself so many times when I still had to be him. It was like being trapped inside my own body."

"Are you trying to tell me you were a guy?"

"No, I wasn't, not even when I was a little boy. I always knew I was a girl, always."


	10. Chapter 10

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I'm sorry for not updating yesterday; I was too drowsy from all my pain medication. Thanks to those of you who took the time to leave such encouraging feedback.

**FAQ's**

Why did you made Alice react so badly?

Of course I could have made her say something like "Oh, so you have a cock. Let's f…" – but honestly, that would make a great lemon but a lousy plot. There is enough smut going to happen in the future and please don't worry about a HEA – I'm too much a sucker for them to let the girls not have one.

Where did you get the idea for writing this fic?

I watched a movie about a transgender character and it's difficult to stop the plot bunnies once I find something that inspires me to write.

Why are your chapters so short?

Because it works better for me like that, simple as that. When I try to write long chapters that puts so much pressure on me and then I end up with a horrible case of writer's block.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****10****

„Was anything of the stuff that you've told me true?" Alice asks me, her voice sounding hoarse from the crying. My own throat is sore, my eyes burning from the smeared mascara and eyeliner but apart from that I feel numb. I had been so scared of this moment and now that it was there it seemed even worse to me than I could imagine it.

"Why did you lie to me?" she croaks out, wiping her reddened nose on the wrinkled tissue between her hands.

"I was scared." I whisper. "I was so terribly scared."

Alice sniffs again and starts rubbing up and down her forearms with her fingertips. I take a deep breath and hand her a blanket from the bed, carefully making sure not to startle her by touching her directly.

"Here, I don't want you to be cold."

"Thanks."

She wraps the blanket around her shoulders and for an awkward long time she doesn't speak at all. Her eyes move down from my face to my chest and eventually down to my crotch. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap, trying to hide the rising blush in my cheeks by using my long hair as some sort of shield.

"You were scared about how I was going to react." she stats, speaking so low that it's barely audible. "You were scared I would react badly, weren't you?"

"Yes, I was. I still wanted to tell you today. They all thought it would be the right thing to tell you."

"Who are they?"

"The people from my self-support group; we had a meeting today."

"I knew you weren't boring enough for a book club. Are the people in that group, are they all like you?"

"We're all a bunch of freaks that were born in the wrong body. Remember the red-head from the movie theatre – Vicky? She's also in it."

"Hmm, I still don't like it when someone lies to me. It makes me angry, especially if it's something important."

"Yeah, that was a stupid idea. I should have told you right away, but I couldn't. You were so utterly convinced I was female. It made me feel so…normal. I'm sorry for lying to you and also about how you found out about my secret."

"I'm sorry too." she whispers, standing up from the ground again. When she sits down on the bed and pets the place next to her, I hesitate.

"I'm sorry for how I yelled at you when I noticed…well, when I noticed that _thing_. I'm not a really a member of the penis fan club."

"Neither am I. And I'm the one who has to live with such a thing, every fucking day of my life." I mumble, slowly sitting down next to Alice on the bed. A dry sob leaves my mouth and when I gasp for air I taste a bitter mixture of make-up and tears on the tip of my tongue.

Then, suddenly I'm in Alice's dainty arms, the blanket around both of us like a tight cocoon. She hums against my ear and I cry and cry until I'm completely exhausted.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I probably made everything worse for you with how I reacted. I'm really sorry."

"I've had worse." I mumble. "Tanya made a pretty ugly scene when Edward told her I'm transgender."

"Did you kiss his wife too?"

"That witch? No, of course not. She isn't even my type."

"Am I your type?"

"I don't think that matters anymore." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I walk into the kitchen and splash some water into my face before pulling a carton of milk out of the fridge. My eyes catch my reflection in the window above the sink and I shrug back. Crap, I look like trash.

"I hate that you always drink the milk from the box. That's totally unhygienic."

I turn around and nod my head before grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. When I hand Alice hers, my hands are trembling again. God, I'm so nervous around her. I can't handle this.

"You are wrong." she stats, taking a first sip from the milk. "It does matter if I'm your type or not. It matters to me."

I nod my head, drinking down the entire content of my glass in one thirsty gulp.

"When you told me you think me pretty was that also a lie?"

"No, that was the truth." My dry lips curl up into a weak smile and when Alice smiles back at me, a wave of calming warmth spreads through my body. She wouldn't smile at me like that if she truly hated me.

"Can I ask you something? Why do you look so much like a woman? You don't even have an Adam's apple."

Automatically my hand reaches up to my throat. "Surgery," I whisper nervously. "And I'm on a hormone treatment. Remember my insulin injections? In truth they are testosterone blockers."

"Testosterone blockers? Don't you need to take estrogen if you want to become a woman?"

"It's complicated. I'm on some estrogen pills too. The testo blockers are supposed to help them work better and prevent reactions…well, like the one that happened when you kissed me."

"Oh," she gasps, her face turning into a dark crimson color. "So, that was because of me?"

There is a slight hint of pride in her voice but I'm not completely sure about it. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. This situation is so awkward. Should I ask her to move out? No, I don't want her to.

"Bella?

"I can't control my dick. It's a bit as if it has a brain of its own. But to answer your question; yes, it was because of you. Feeling you so close that was…a bit much. You are very attractive…physically I mean."

She leans back against the wall behind her, another smile, this time a shy one hushes over her pretty face. Her mascara is smeared all over her cheeks and still. Alice is so incredibly beautiful to me.

It's in this moment that I realize how much she already means to me.


	11. Chapter 11

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who take the time to read and review my little story here. Your support is everything to me.

****11****

We don't go to sleep that night. Instead we sit in the kitchen and talk. I tell her everything about me and in a way it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Alice is very silent while she sits opposite of me but now and then another trail of tears trickle down her jaw.

"I hate your parents. I hate them for how they treated you."

"It's okay. This is just how things are. For them the situation is difficult too. They have lost their son."

"But they could have a daughter now, a wonderful, caring, warm-hearted daughter."

My face warms and I fight the instinctive urge to lean over the wooden kitchen table and kiss her again. She probably wouldn't like that.

"I'm still sorry." she whispers, pouring herself a glass of water.

"Don't have to be. I don't want anyone's pity. What I want is to be accepted as what I was always meant to be."

"Yes."

"I wished they wouldn't make it so difficult for me to get my surgery. If I'd get rid of my….well of that thing, everything would be so much easier."

Alice starts biting off some purple nail polish from her fingernails and her cheeks turn from pink to a bright red before she speaks up again.

"And you will have like a real vagina down there once they are done with that surgery?"

"Well, that's what I hope for."

"And will you be able to feel with that…like normal? I mean like I do?"

"I don't know. But Erica says it was like an immense relief when she woke up again, as if she was reborn somehow."

"Erica is a woman from your group. Right?"

"Yes, she is."

I stand up from my chair and pull one of my testo blocker injections out of the fridge.

"I'll be right back." I mumble walking down to the bathroom. When I hear Alice behind me, I turn around so abruptly that I drop my medication to the ground.

"Let me help you. I know how to give shots. Uncle Carlisle showed me how to do that."

Probably on an orange or something like that, I think, searching for some disinfectant spray in the bathroom cabinet.

I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and spray a bit of the disinfectant on my side. Alice's fingers are warm against my hip and for a moment I'm so distracted by their gentle caress that I barely feel how the sharp needle breaks through my skin.

"See, already done. Do you want a band-aid?"

"Not necessary."

She pulls my shirt down again and for a split second it looks as if she's about to blow a kiss over the tiny wound in my skin. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

"You didn't have to do that." I whisper nervously.

"I know but I wanted to. I'm still so sorry for how I reacted. I probably made you feel bad when I did that. I hate narrow minded people so very much. But when I noticed that thing, it was just…just."

"A bit too much,"

"No, it's not like that. When I noticed that thing on you, it brought up some very unpleasant memories of something I thought I had already forgotten. I'm sorry for leashing that out on you."

"Can we just stop talking about it?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"Yes, I 'd prefer that. I think we should try to catch a bit of sleep now. Good night, Alice."

"Can I stay in your room?"

"With me?" my voice cracks and comes out way too high and shrill.

"I don't want to be alone. But if you don't want my company, I totally understand."

We end up in my bed together, a thick layer of blankets between us. Alice nuzzles her face against my shoulder from behind and I feel shivers running down my spine as her lips brush over the spot right underneath my earlobe.

"Don't,"

"Doesn't it feel good." she whispers, teasing the shell of my ear with the tip of her tongue.

I can already feel myself getting hard again. Damn it. This medication is completely useless. Try to think of something not sexy. God, this is not working when she's so close to me.

"Try to sleep, Alice."

"I'm not tired."

"But I am. So, please stop making me nervous and let me sleep a bit."

"I'm making you nervous?"

I nod my head and press another pillow on my throbbing dick. I wished I had some ice to put on it. That would sure as hell help with my hard-on.

"Yes, you do."

"Do you like me, Bella? I mean like really like me?"

"Go to sleep."

"But I need to know."

"Alice, I'm going to sleep on the couch if you don't stop talking. It doesn't matter how I feel about you. I know we can't be together."

"Why?" she asks, suckling my earlobe between her front teeth to nibble it.

"Because it would be so complicated. It's obvious that you are not really fond of my manly parts and as it might take another few months until my loser of a therapist signs my papers—"

"Maybe we could just ignore them."

Oh Alice, you are so naïve. How can I ignore this painful erection?

I stand up, trying desperately to hide it when I walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Peeing,"

"You take your pillows with you when you go to pee? That's gross."

"Oh Alice, please, you are embarrassing me with all your questions."

I rush to the bathroom and drop out of my sweats my and shirt. The water of the shower is so icy when I press it directly on my erection that I hiss though my teeth to keep me from screaming. The pain that hits me like a zillion of needle stitches is awful but still, I stay right where I am until my entire body is shivering from the cold.


	12. Chapter 12

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Double update for you today, my lovelies; don't make me regret it. I love all your kind reviews, so keep them coming.

**FAQ's**

Why didn't Bella ask Alice to help her with her "little" problem?

Seriously, this is the best question I've been asked since I started this fic. It cracked me up when I read that. Kuddos to the person who was brave enough to ask.

I think that Bella and Alice still have to figure out how to handle the physical aspects of their relationship.

Is Alice for or against the _thing_?

I would say against it but she might change her opinion once she gets to know it a little better.

****12****

My nose is blocked when I wake up in the late afternoon hours. I sniff and cough, circling my fingertips over my sore throat. I feel horrible and when I open my eyes a dull pain rushes through my temples.

"Morning, beautiful girl." Alice greets me cheerfully. How long has she been up yet?

She already has some red paint in her black hair and her face seems to be glowing with excitement.

"You sleep as if you were dead and you snore."

"Sorry about that." I croak, noticing that my throat is so raw as if I had cut it with sharp glass pieces.

"You sound sick. Are you okay?"

I sneeze and when I sit up in the bed I start coughing dryly. Damn it, I hate being sick so very much.

""I'm fine. It's just a cold."

"Do you know what made you sick; going back to bed with your hair all wet. You should have blow-dried it."

"Alice, it's not going to make me feel better if you give me tips like that."

She sits down next to me, placing a dainty hand carefully on my forehead. Her fingers are cold and that feels incredibly good against my skin.

"I think you have a fever."

"And I think you're not a doctor."

Alice pulls the blankets over me and plants a kiss on my messy curls before rushing out of my bedroom. I swallow my estrogen pills with a glass of lukewarm water from my nightstand before drifting back to sleep.

The smell of chicken and onions wakes me up again.

"I tried to call Uncle Carlisle but he was in surgery. Aunt Esme said it would make you feel better to eat some soup, so I made some for you."

"You didn't have to." I mumble, rubbing my tired eyes. My muscles ache and I wonder if I should take some of the cough medicine in the bathroom cabinet.

"I know. But I wanted to. Now be a good girl and open your mouth for me."

The soup is hot, burning my tongue and it tastes like salt and onions with tiny pieces of chicken breast in it.

"Is it good?"

"Hmm,"

She keeps feeding me as if I was a baby and it is not the warmth of the soup that is spreading through me but the unfamiliar feeling of being taken care of. Tears fill my eyes and I take a deep breathe through my sore throat in an attempt to hold them back.

"Are you in pain? I could get you some Aspirin or something."

"No,"

"No, you're not in pain or no, you don't want any meds?"

"There's some Advil in the bathroom. Can you get that for me?"

She returns shortly, handing me a glass filled with orange juice and two pills.

"Here we go. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Why are you so nice to me?" I whisper hoarsely, wiping some tears from the corner of my eyes.

"Well, firstly because you are sick and secondly, way more important, I care about you."

She leans forward and very gently her lips brush against my dry ones for a moment.

"Don't. You are going to get sick too."

"Me? Never. Don't worry about that. Now, let's see if you have anything to read here, a nice fashion magazine or something."

Opening my nightstand the small folder I put inside of it falls down. Alice catches it and starts flipping through it. Someone needs to tell this girl the basic rules of respecting other people's privacy.

"Orchiectomy? What is that supposed to be?"

"Please, put that away. I feel awkward for talking about that sort of stuff with you, Alice."

"But I want to know everything about you. I need to know because you're important to me."

I sigh deeply, finishing the rest of the orange juice before placing it next to me on the ground.

"An Orchiectomy is basically a castration. They remove the testicles and in a result of this I wouldn't need to take the testo blockers anymore."

It also will end my ability to have kids but that topic is so difficult for me that I didn't even want to discuss it with the people in my group.

"But that would be good. Right? I mean you don't want to be on medication for the rest of your life."

"The medication is my life. All that you see here in front of you, that's all because of the estrogen I'm taking. I can never stop with that, never."

"And the testo blockers?"

"Well, I won't need to take these anymore once I get my vaginoplasty. The Orchiectomy would just be…like a step in between. I'm not sure about it though. It's not what I want. I mean…that thing would still be down there."

"Can't you ask your therapist to sign your papers sooner? I mean, you do know what you want. Don't you?"

"Dr. Whitlock is an asshole. He says I'm not ready for that step. Damn it, I've been ready for that step since I was like two years old."

"Maybe I should talk to him? I can be very, very convincing."

"Alice, I don't think this is going to work. I probably just have to be a bit more patient for a little while. It's just that now that I met you…things seem even more complicated."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. I'm just scared you are going to make a run. Like I told you before; my penis isn't really connected to my brain. I can't control when I get aroused and you made it pretty clear that you don't like it too much."

"Am I…arousing you?" she whispered, letting her fingertips move down my cheekbone.

"Why do you think I took a cold shower this morning? I had to get rid of my erection."

"You could have told me that I was making you uncomfortable."

"I was embarrassed." I mumble, rubbing my aching throat with my hand.

Alice pulls a scarf out of my closet and wraps it carefully around my neck.

"Thanks. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, of course. I'm asking you so much. It's only fair that you get to ask me something in return."

"Okay," I whisper hoarsely. "I want to know if you have ever been with a guy before."


	13. Chapter 13

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome back, my lovely readers and thanks for supporting my little story here with your reviews. Today's my birthday, so leave me some love for that as well if you feel like it.

FAQ's

Will Rose and Emmett show up in the story?

Yes, they will. They are actually my favorite canon couple and they'll definitely make an appearance in the story.

As always, ask questions should you have any.

****13****

She seems to be irritated by my question and for a moment I wonder if I have offended her by asking about her previous partners. Her mouth starts quivering and when she starts biting her lower lip I'm afraid she's going to make it bleed.

"Why are you asking?" she whispers, her voice sounding as if she's close to crying. Crap, I didn't want to make her feel bad with my question.

"Please, just forget it. I shouldn't have asked that. Your past is none of my business."

"But I want you to know everything about me. It's just so difficult. I've never told anyone about this. Not even Lauren and we were together for such a long time."

"Sweetie, has someone hurt you?" I whisper, wrapping my arm around her delicate shoulder. She seems so fragile to me in this moment, that I want nothing more than to protect her.

"No,"

The word comes out like a husky whimper. Then she clears her throat and when she continues to speak she's making an effort to keep her voice calm.

"My parents weren't exactly happy when I told them I was a lesbian. I mean we're talking Mississippi here. Not the best place for a coming out. So, to do them a favor I started dating an Alibi boyfriend during my junior Year of High School. He was a nice guy, we were friends. At least I thought we were."

"Kay," I mumble, caressing her forearm with my fingertip. "But he turned out to be a Jerk."

"Kind of. Well, he took me to Prom and I remember that I talked my mom into buying me this way too expensive silk dress with silver stripes. I looked so pretty and I felt all so grown-up with my hair done and my makeup. God, I was such a stupid kid."

"I bet you looked beautiful."

"It was amazing. My parents still have the picture that my Dad took of me that night, standing around in their living room."

"Are you going to tell me what happened with this guy?"

"Demitri told me he wanted to hang out at a Motel with a bunch of other kids. Someone was supposed to buy us beer with a faked ID. It was all meant to be a lot of fun. Then, when we came there and nobody was there, I bitched at him for lying to me. He cried and begged me to stay, confessing his love for me. I pitied him. Demitri was so miserable and he had bought the motel room and a bouquet of red roses especially for me. I let him kiss me but it was just awkward. Still I didn't tell him to stop. I felt so…I don't know but in that moment I felt so proud of myself that I was doing this with a guy. That I could be normal like my parents wanted me to be. We fumbled around and drank some horribly lukewarm red wine. After that everything is pretty blurred in my memory but I know that he slobbered against my ear, asking if I was a virgin. He rubbed his…you know what I mean against me after shoving my underwear down my ankles. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much and he got frustrated because it didn't work how he wanted things to work. Eventually he rolled down from me and I rushed out of the goddamn room. I walked the entire way back home by foot in the pouring rain and cried. It was so horrible."

"I'm so sorry, honey. This guy was a swine. He should be ashamed of himself."

"But it's my fault. I could have told him to stop and fuck himself. I mean I have such a big mouth usually but in that night, I was such a fucking coward."

She starts crying and I hold her close to me, burying my face into her silk-like hair.

"It's not your fault. Please, stop thinking that. It wasn't your fault. The shithead gave you alcohol and almost raped you. Things didn't work like he wanted them to work? What a load of shit."

"You won't tell anyone about this. Right?"

"I promise. Your secret is safe with me. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there to keep you safe."

She nods her head and stands up from the bed.

"Do you understand now, why I'm not that fond of dicks? I don't want to get hurt."

"Baby, I would never hurt you. I can't hurt you. Please, don't be scared."

"I try to." she whispers. "I'm going to take a shower now."

With that she's gone and I force myself to take several deep breaths through my sore throat in an attempt to calm myself down again. What she has told me is bad, like really bad and a sharp pain cramps in my chest. My hand moves down to my genitals and for a moment I'm pretty tempted to squeeze with all my strength. I don't do it. The pain that would cause me would most likely make me throw up and how should I explain that to Alice?

I grab the folder from the ground flipping through the pages until I find the number I'm looking for. Erica has told me the doctor is a charlatan but the good thing about Dr. Volturi is that the man likes cash and doesn't ask too many questions. I need to do something about my problems down there and I don't feel like I can wait any longer to get started.

"Hello," a purring voice greets me on the other line a few seconds later. "This is Dr. Voturi's practice. How can I help you?"

"Hi," I stumble out, "My name is Isabella Swan and I would like to make up an appointment for a procedure."

"Sure, let me check Dr. Volturi's schedule. He's free next Tuesday night. Are you covered with insurance or are you going to pay cash?"

"Cash," I whisper nervously. "If that would be okay with you."

"Yeah, sure, it's fine. Now, just tell me what kind of procedure you are planning to have."


	14. Chapter 14

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who read and review. Your support is what keeps me going.

FAQ's

Will there be something from Alice POV?

I'm not sure about that yet but I'm right now I'm planning on keeping everything from Bella's perspective.

****14****

I spent most of the following three days in bed while Alice continues pampering me like a little child. She cooks me soup, gets me a bunch of fresh cold meds from the pharmacy around the corner and starts reading a book about Monet's paintings to me. I enjoy her company way more than I probably should. Having her near me seems like a miracle to me. Or maybe a dream and any minute I'm going to wake up alone in my bed. When she says she needs to go to College on Friday morning, I'm tempted asking her to stay with me. I don't want to be alone.

Alice plants a kiss on my reddened nose and then a second one on my mouth before placing a staple of magazines next to me on the bed.

"Is it okay to leave you alone for a few hours? I have this class today that I need to pass."

"Yeah sure, you've been stuck here with me for far too long. Although I have to admit that it's quite nice having you all to myself."

"I'll be back after lunch. Do you want me to bring something to eat for you? You look like you lost weight."

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Who's Dr. Volturi?" she asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "He left a message on your phone asking you to call him back."

"Alice, stop answering my phone. Dr. Volturi is…he's no one of importance."

"It sounded important to me when he called."

"Damn it, stop asking about that. It makes me feel awkward to discuss my surgeries with you. I'm embarrassed."

"I don't want you to be embarrassed."

She moves closer to me, placing her hand on mine. I circle my thumb over her wrist before lifting her fingers to my mouth to plant a kiss on each of her fingertips.

"I wished everything wasn't so complicated for us. I wished I was just a normal woman. I hate all this crap I have to deal with in my life."

"I'm so sorry, Bella." she whispers cuddling against me from behind. Her lips brush over my earlobe and I try very hard to concentrate on not getting hard again. "I don't like you being sad. Can't I do anything for you to help you?"

"No," I mumble. "But you can stop doing this kissing my ear thing. It's having effects on me that neither me nor you would appreciate too much."

"It's turning you on?"

Why does she sound so proud now? This girl is weird. Maybe that is why she's interested in me. Weird attracts weird like one magnet the other.

"You are going to be late for class."

"Stop distracting me. I asked you a question."

"But you don't really want to hear its answer. Yes, you turn me on. All the time and especially when you touch me like now."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't sound too sorry to me, Alice. In fact, I'm starting to believe that you like teasing people. That's not a nice thing to do."

I pull her around, so that I'm kneeling between her slim thighs now. One of my pillows is securely placed in front of my hardening dick when I start caressing her cleavage with my fingertips.

"What are you doing?"

"Shhh," I whisper, placing a kiss on her soft lips while my right hand starts fumbling with the buttons on her white blouse. Her skin is warm and velvety against my fingers and I move them lower and lower until I reach the cotton fabric of her bra.

"You are beautiful." I tell her, letting my thumb circle underneath the side of her bra. A low moan escapes her lips when I roll the tip of my finger around the pebbled tip.

"Bella, I—,"

"Shhh, no more talking, girl. Just relax. Doesn't it feel good when I touch you here?"

I roll her nipple between two fingers and she moans again, that noise sending a wave of fresh blood down to my crotch. Trying to ignore my own lust, I make her sit up long enough so that I can remove her blouse and her bra.

My mouth closes around one of her rosy nipples and I hum against her warm flesh. She smells and tastes so good. Her eyes are closed now, her eyelids fluttering while I continue worshipping her gorgeous body. I stroke her breasts that fit so perfectly in my hands and rub and lick her nipples until the tips are red and swollen.

My cock throbs against my pajama pants and I inhale sharply between my teeth when I shift around a bit on the pillow. Damn it, this would be so much better without that thing down there.

Slowly I move my lips lower on her upper body, circling the tip of my tongue around the piercing in her belly button. I want to touch her between her legs. No, I need to touch her. Two of my fingers glide up the inside of her thigh, caressing the silken skin for a few moments before I eventually dare to move my fingers higher.

She's wet. The material of her thong is damp against my fingertips. Shoving the cotton fabric to the side, I can't hold back a groan when my fingers touch her moist flesh for the first time. It feels so incredibly good to touch her. My fingertip finds the little pearl and while she whimpers and moans, I keep on stroking her here. Up and down and around and around while my other fingers rub her inner lips. When I insert the tip of one finger into her entrance I gasp at the heat and tightness inside her. She lifts her hips up, greedy for the touch of my hand. I'm the one who's making her feel like this. I'm the one who's giving her pleasure. My fingers move faster, the one inside her rubbing against her slick inner walls. Another moan leaves her lips between some panting breaths and then I feel the moist skin around my finger tightening even more around it. Her clit pulses against my fingertip as the waves of her climax make her body tremble underneath me.


	15. Chapter 15

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for supporting my story here with your reviews. Every time a new message pops up in my inbox it makes my little writer's heart beat faster.

This chapter down here was really difficult for me to write and I hope it doesn't disappoint too much. The situation Bella is in is difficult for her, maybe even more than we think it to be…

FAQ's

Could Bella get Alice pregnant if they had sex?

I don't think the female hormones are having a good influence on B's fertility but as long as she still has the full package down there, I assume it would be possible for her to make a baby with Alice.

How many chapters will there be?

I don't know yet. Depends on how long I have fun writing this project.

As always, feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****15****

Her lips are warm as she starts to suckle the skin on my neck between her lips. My mind is overwhelmed by the sensation of having her half-naked body so close to me. The air I'm inhaling when I take a deep breath through my nose smells of her arousal. Instinctively I rub my throbbing dick against the fabric of the pillow. There is not enough ice water in this State to help me get rid of this. I try to stand up from the bed to rush into the bathroom to jack off like the freak I am.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere," I whisper, my voice cracking nervously. Damn it, I hate it so much when this happens to me. It's like the horrors of puberty vocal change all over again. "I just need a minute."

And I highly doubt the procedure is going to take very much longer. I almost came in the moment I felt her slick inner walls clamping around my finger inside her. Oh fuck…

"Stay," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around me. I bite my lower lip in an attempt to suppress a moan when her fingers glide over the curves of my breasts. "You feel good."

"Alice, no. I can't."

"Don't you like it when I touch you? You touched me too."

"That's different. I am different."

Her mouth is on mine within a heartbeat and with her tongue moving against the tip of mine I'm finding it difficult to use the tiny bit of my brain that is still working reasonably.

Then I feel her fingers fumbling around with the elastic around my pajama bottoms and pull back so abruptly that I hurt my head on the corner of my headboard.

"Ouch, damn it."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Don't you want me to touch you?"

"Yes! No. I don't really know. I want you to touch me but at the same time I'm scared."

"You think too much." she whispers, letting her fingertip glide down over the bulge in my pants. "And thinking isn't going to help one tiny bit here."

I pull the blankets over me and close my eyes while her warm lips move like tiny butterflies all over my face.

"Show me how you like it."

Her voice sounds shy as her dainty fingers closer around my hard shaft. I groan and cover her hand with mine to move them up and down my length. It has been forever that someone else has touched me so intimately and although I'm somewhere deep in the corner of my mind aware that it wrong to let this happen with Alice, I still can't tell her to stop. Her thumb rubs over the sensitive tip and down to the base, up and down, up and down and I shudder. My muscles tense, my toes curl and I moan against her lips that are still one mine as I climax in thick spurts all over her fingers and the blanket.

She lifts her hand up, holding it closer to her face while mine heats with embarrassment.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry. God, Alice I can't even tell you how sorry I am about this."

I can't even dare to look her in the eyes when I grab the next best thing I can reach and start wiping the sticky wetness from her fingers.

"Did I do something wrong? You seem angry."

At me, not you, beautiful girl. I'm such so disgusting freak. You should run. Run and never come back. You are too good, too sweet to be confronted with this sort of crap.

"Bella, are you alright? I didn't hurt you or anything?"

"No," I stumble out huskily, turning to the side to curl up into a ball. I sob and gasp for air, trying very hard not to cry.

"What's wrong with you?"

Apart from having a dick? Apart from the fact that I just jizzed all over your hand?

"Leave me alone."

"No. I want to know what's wrong with you. Did I do anything that upset you? Because like two minutes ago I had the impression that you pretty much enjoyed what I was doing to you."

"Alice, please, this is so fucked up. Everything is so fucked up."

I cry and sob against the pillow that I hug tightly to my chest in a desperate need to hold on to something.

My cell starts ringing and because I think it could be Dr. Volturi trying to reach me again, I grab it from the nightstand and pick up the call.

"Hello?"

"Bella, is that you? Are you crying?" Erica greets me worriedly on the other side.

"No, I'm fine."

"Silly girl, I know how you sound when you are crying. What's wrong?"

Everything!

"Nothing,"

I stand up from the bed, my knees trembling so much that I barely manage to make it down to the bathroom to lock myself in.

"I wished I were dead."

"Baby girl, what's wrong with you. What made you sad?"

I sniff, wiping my nose on a sheet of toilet paper before I speak up again.

"I'm such a disgusting piece of shit."

"No, you're not. Bella, you are freaking out and that worries me. What happened? Tell me and I will see how I can help you."

"We made out. I touched her and then she kind of wanted to please me too and I let her."

"Sweet ass, if you are crying after getting laid the first time in five years, she must have been pretty bad."

"No. I'm not crying because it was bad. I'm crying because…because…everything is so complicated. I came all over her hand. This is not normal and I want so very much to be normal. I want to be normal for her."

"You like that girl a great deal, don't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I like her and I'm so scared, so very scared that she won't be able to handle all of this."


	16. Chapter 16

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who take the time to read and review my story. Your support means a lot to me and I'm grateful to have such amazing readers like you.

FAQ's

I thought Alice was scared of dicks, so how could she touch Bella's?

Well, I think that A. already likes B a lot. People are willing to overcome a lot of things for people they like.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****16****

I can't bring myself to stand up from the bathroom floor. My fingers glide over my arms, my thumbs rolling over the pulse points. It would be so very easy to cut through the thin skin with one of my razors, so very easy.

My life is so complicated, too complicated and I'm so incredibly tired of all of it.

No, I can't do that. I promised Edward not to do something stupid again. I need to keep my promise to him.

There are voices outside the securely locked door and it takes me a moment to realize that they are calling my name. Next thing I hear is a cracking noise and then the door is pulled open abruptly.

"Bella! Sweetie, what are you doing in there?"

Erica shoves Alice who is all white in her face to the side and kneels down next to me.

"Everything is going to be okay. I'm here now."

"You didn't hurt yourself. Did you?" Alice whispers huskily, leaning back against the door frame as if she's in need of something to keep herself upright.

"Bella, do you want her to leave?" Erica asks me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. "Just let me know and I will take care of everything."

"No,"

I take a deep breath and wipe my running nose on the wrinkled toilet paper in my hands.

"I want her to stay."

"She made you all miserable. Are you sure you want her to stay?"

"Erica, please-,"

"Who is she? She has a fucking key to your apartment! Is she your girlfriend?"

I remember giving Erica a spare key for emergencies and now she has obviously considered the current situation one of those.

"Erica is a friend." I explain to Alice when I stand up to splash some cold water on my face. "A friend from my self-support group."

My knees are trembling when I manage to stumble to the living room. Both of them sit down next to me, taking my hands in theirs to squeeze them tightly. Erica's fingers are cold and sweaty. I don't know why she's so clingy now. It's a bit much, even for her.

"I'm okay."

"You didn't sound very okay on the phone. I was worried about you and so decided to come and check on you."

"That's very considerate but completely unnecessary. You didn't need to break into this house and-,"

"Bella gave me a key. Didn't you, gorgeous?"

"Hmm, yeah, I did."

Erica's pink tinted lips curve into a joyful smile and Alice, who is sitting on my left side, stiffens more and more. I don't like that one tiny bit and so, I clear my throat nervously.

"Erica, can you be a darling and give us some privacy?"

"What for? You are most likely going to discuss all of this in our next group meeting anyway."

"But this is no group meeting!"

Erica snarls and grabs her handbag. "I see you tomorrow at the wedding. Good bye Bella."

When she's gone, I sigh deeply.

"What the hell is wrong with you? You locked yourself into your bathroom. Then this awful woman shows up here and is nothing but rude to me. If you have any problems you can talk to me."

"No, I can't. You don't know what I'm going through. How things are like for me."

"But she does. Right?"

"Yes,"

Alice stands up from the couch and walks to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with two cups of deliciously smelling apple tea.

"I didn't know if you want some sugar with yours." she mumbles, placing the cups on the table in front of me.

"No sugar. Thank you."

"Did I mess everything up for us now?"

She starts crying and I pull her close to me, caressing the spikey curls of her jet-black hair with my fingertips.

"If anyone messed up, it's me. I shouldn't have let you touch me…well, you know where."

"But you liked it. I think you like it because I made you come. Doesn't that feel good to you when you climax?"

I feel the heat streaming into my face as I shyly nod my head.

"If you like it how can it be wrong?"

"It's complicated."

"I'm sure I can keep up if you try to explain things to me."

"Kay," I whisper nervously. "Can you imagine how it's like to feel so very much with a part of you that disgusts you? And damn it, did that feel good physically when you touched me. More than good to be a bit more precise. I haven't been with anyone since I started with my transition."

"You must have been lonely. I'm so sorry about that." she stats, placing her dainty hand carefully on mine.

"It's difficult for people like me and Erica to find love and acceptance."

"Is that why she's trying to get lucky with you? Her hands were all over you. I wanted to rip her cheap acryl nails off and tell her to piss off but I didn't dare to because you said she's your friend."

"Yes, she is a friend, a friend and nothing more."

"But being with her would probably be easier for you because she's transgender like you."

"I'm not romantically interested in Erica and she knows that."

"Does she?"

"You are not honestly jealous of her, are you?"

"I'm never jealous. I just don't like that you are talking about your problems with her and not me."

I lift my cup up to my mouth to take a sip from the hot tea.

"I hate my body, especially those parts that don't belong to a woman's body. When I allow myself to enjoy anything with that _thing_ it makes me feel like a freak."

"You're not a freak. It's not your fault that you were born transgender."

"I just want to be normal. I want to be normal to be with you because the truth is that I've never liked anyone as much as I like you, Alice."


	17. Chapter 17

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for taking the time to read my little story here. Your interest in my work means so much to me and I love reading your feedback.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****17****

She's the kind of girl who cries at a wedding. I should have known it. My hand moves instinctively to Alice's and I caress her silken skin with my fingertips.

"Why are you crying?" I whisper, as I watch her wiping away a bit of smeared mascara underneath her eyes.

"Because it's so…so beautiful,"

Yes, it is, I think, drawing invisible lines all over the inside of Alice's forearm. The fact that she agreed to come here with me as my official date makes this joyful day even better.

Erica sits on a bench across from us, stuck between Leon and Jake who both try their hardest to appear tough. I wave my hand at her and her lips curl upwards.

"Are you flirting with that awful woman?"

"Stop being jealous, Alice. I'm here with you."

With that I lift her dainty hand to my lips, leaving several red marks on it with my lip gloss.

I'm in love with her. I know it and I don't have a clue what to make out of this. Should I tell her? Does she feel the same? No, that can't be possible? Could it?

My inner monologue is interrupted by the loud cheering around me as Ben lifts the thin lace veil from Angela's face and kisses his wife's face for the first time.

They are so happy and I'm glad that they managed to overcome all the obstacles in their relationship. A glimpse of hope in a world that is so full of hate towards people like me and him.

I hug them both, thrilled as usually by the fact that Angela is half a head higher than me although she's been born a woman.

"Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. Angie, you look lovely."

"Thanks," she whispers, her voice thick with tears before she turns her attention to her parents that shower their only daughter with countless kisses.

For a split second I picture Charlie and Renee doing the same to me on my wedding and the knowledge how impossible this is makes my eyes water.

"See, every woman has to cry on weddings." Alice tells me, wiping a single traitorous tear from the corner of my eye.

"I have to check my makeup in the bathroom." I mumble, trying to shove the dark memories of my past aside.

Inside the bathroom, I apply a fresh layer of powder on my nose and am just about to refresh my lip gloss when I hear the flush in one of the stalls behinds me. Crap, I thought I was alone in here. Bathrooms are a difficult thing and some women tend to get really rude once they figure out what you are.

A little girl in a light blue dress walks out, standing up on her toes to wash her hands under the faucet next to me. Her tiny snub nose wrinkles as she speaks up.

"Are you a girl or are you a boy?"

I stare down on my hundred dollar sling pumps in the desperate wish the earth will open up underneath them and swallow me and my miserable self completely so that I'm vanished from the surface of the world.

"Are you a girl? Or are you a boy?"

"A girl," I croak hoarsely, leaning my head against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall. "I'm a girl."

"Erin! What are you doing here on your own? Mommy was worried that you had gone lost. Your Dad is here to pick you up."

The girl's mother is a beauty with thick blonde curls that fall down past her shoulders. She is wearing a purple dress with a matching silk scarf around her shoulders and I'm fascinated by the bright blue of her eyes.

"I want to stay here with you and Emmett. "

"Erin, please be a big girl and don't make any trouble. You know that the judge has allowed your father to see you every other weekend."

"But I didn't even get to try the cake." she frowns, crossing her arms in front of her chest. I notice the silvery nail polish on her fingernails and remember the tantrum my mother had thrown when she caught me trying out hers.

"I want to stay here!"

The girl starts stamping her foot and the blonde woman sighs deeply, running her fingers through her long hair. "Erin, please don't be a brat now."

Then she clears her throat nervously before speaking to me in an apologetic tone. "I'm sorry about that. She's usually an easy to handle child but she didn't take my separation from her father very well."

"I don't mind."

"Good. People that don't understand how difficult kids can be annoy me. Ben and Angela are trying to adopt one from Korea. Isn't that nice?"

"Yes, sure,"

She holds out her hand and the pearl bracelet around her wrist clicks against my watch when I close my fingers around hers for a split second.

"I'm Rosalie King. You must be one of the girls from Ben's group, aren't you? Let me think…Erica?"

"Bella," I whisper shyly. It makes me feel uncomfortable that she knows what I am. I wished I could erasure my past irrevocably. It's too painful for me and Dr. Whitlock is a moron for always digging around in old wounds.

I tell Rosalie and the sobbing girl goodbye and walk out of the bathroom. Alice stands next to Erica and her lips are pressed together in a tight line. I wrap my arms around her from behind and blow a kiss over her hair. God, she's pretty when she's angry.

"Is everything okay?"

"Your friend here thinks it's necessary to give other people advice no one asked for."

"Erica, what did you do?"

"Nothing." she murmurs before rushing off to the table with the drinks where she gulps down a glass of champagne.

"Stupid bitch, I can't stand her. She wants to be with you and is willing to try anything to achieve that goal."

I pull Alice closer, rubbing my nose down the hollow of her throat.

"Erica is lonely but I won't be able to change anything about that. I can't change anything about that because my interests are with someone else."


	18. Chapter 18

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome back to another update. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Your support means so much to me.

FAQ's

Will Bella ever get to accept herself?

I think that she still has a long, long way ahead of her but I have faith in her and in Alice's support…

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****18****

Her skin smells sweet when I lean my head down on her shoulder but when I dare to run the tip of my tongue over it the taste reminds me of fresh salt.

Dancing is not exactly my favorite thing to do but with Alice it is easy. Maybe because she's so graceful that it makes it easy for me to follow her lead. Her hips move against mine and I'm grateful that the thing down there has obviously decided to behave for once in my life.

"So, your interest is with someone else." she whispers, letting her fingertips circle over my neck. "How's she like?"

I smirk and try very hard to keep my voice as casual as possible.

"She talks too much and she is not very good at respecting other people's privacy."

"That doesn't sound very flattering. Does she have any good sides too?"

"Well, she's very good looking but it's her kind heart that I like even more than her pretty face."

My cheeks turn red and I'm just about to touch my lips to hers in a gentle kiss when I feel a cold hand on my shoulder.

"Can I cut in?"

I nod my head and squeeze Alice's hand for a moment before I take Erica's and start swirling her around on the dance floor.

"Are you having fun?" I ask her, concentrating on the movement of my feet. Erica is almost my height and today she's wearing a pair of high heels that I could never manage to walk one secure step in.

"It would be more fun, if it were just us."

"Erica, there is no us. There will never be an us. You are my friend and important to me but I'm not in love with you."

"But I understand you better than anyone else ever will do. Don't I? I've been through the same things you are planning to go through."

A deep sigh leaves my mouth and I clear my throat nervously before I speak up.

"I'm getting an Orchiectomy next Tuesday and I'm so fucking nervous about it that I can barely sleep."

"Understandable. Why are you getting one? I thought you were so looking forward to your SRS. Aren't your testo blockers working well enough?"

"Yeah, they do but I don't want to risk some liver failure and as I don't think I'd miss unwanted reactions from my dick—"

"Sweetie, let me tell you that once you are rid of that thing it will be as if a heavy weight has been lifted from your soul. I like my new vagina so much I can barely stop fumbling around on it."

"And the dilating? Doesn't that hurt?"

"Not at much as when I started it but it's still rather unpleasant. Maybe it feels nicer when someone else helps you with it."

"Erica, please stop flirting with me all the time."

"I like you and I don't want to lose you to this little curly-head who has no clue how difficult life is like for people like us. How do you think she's going to handle it when you go through months of recovery after your vaginoplasty? You think she's going to wait for you or something? One like her has always like ten admirers on each of her fingers, so why would she want to be with someone like you? "

I rush inside the house and kneel down against the marble tiles in the hotel lobby. I'm so mad at Erica but somewhere deep inside me I know that she's right about everything.

Lifting my head up, I notice someone who is about the size of a giant is standing next to Rosalie in the hall, his arm wrapped protectively around her shoulder. Next to him, she looks like a breakable porcelain doll and for a split second I wonder if that is how Alice and I appear with one another.

The little girl has stopped crying but her eyes are red when she walks over to the man who is standing across from her mother.

"I can't believe you took our child to this freak show here. Erin, get inside my car and wait for me."

"Dad, can't we stay a bit longer? I want to eat the cake. They have little chocolate roses on it."

"Get inside the car before I make you. The people here are dangerous for you and Daddy doesn't want you to get hurt."

"But Daddy—,"

"Erin, sweetie, go with him. I'll get you a piece of cake and put it in the fridge for you. You can eat it when you come home tomorrow." The giant stats and his friendly voice somehow doesn't match his intimidating physical appearance.

"Bye Mommy. Bye Emmett."

When the child is out of sight her father rubs his fingers over the thin moustache above his upper lip. "I should try to take custody away from you for taking a five year old to these perverts. Do you want her to get molested?"

"Royce! Keep your mouth shut and leave. Your ignorance is making me sick."

"You know what's making me sick, Mrs. King; the fact that you're a lousy mother and a whore on top of it."

The guy next to Rosalie growls and flexes his biceps but immediately drops his fist when she places her hand on his forearm.

Royce snarls and turns around, dropping a vase filled with a lily that is standing next to him to the floor.

"You should let me rip your shithead of an ex a new one."

"And what difference would that make? Nothing at all!"

She notices me and her face turns red with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry you had to hear that. Royce is not very good at being tolerant."

"Royce is good at being a dick and because the Gods are always kind to retarded low lives they have granted him one. Even if it's just a tiny, little joke of cock."

I start giggling and press my hand against my mouth because I usually don't find this kind of stuff funny.

"Hi, I'm Emmett. You're the tranny girl from Ben's group, aren't you?"


	19. Chapter 19

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank you for being such encouraging and supportive readers. Your interest in my story blows my little writer's mind.

FAQ's

Are Rose or Emmett transgender?

No, they are not although I think Rose would have been great as a MtF

What do they mean by dilating?

Firstly, I don't know if dilating is the proper expression in English, so I apologize if I'm using the wrong word.

Well, when MtF transgender get their vaginoplasty, they have to keep that new vagina open by putting glass dilators (glass dildos and that sort of stuff) in to stretch it and eventually make it "fuck-able".

****19****

It turns out that Emmett and Rosalie are Ben's neighbors. Plus Emmett runs the sport club where the guys from our group try to bulk up. I feel tempted to ask him if he's the one selling this steroid crap to Jake but somehow I can't bring up the courage. They are nice, both of them although he's the kind of person who tends to speak before he thinks. At least that's better than when they whisper behind your back.

Eventually Rosalie ends up inviting me over to Dinner next Friday before both of them start something that looks more than making out than dancing on the dance floor. They seem pretty much attached to one another and I wonder how it must be like to be so close to another person without having doubts.

"Nice dress," a deep voice behind me murmurs, making me turn around on my heels.

"Thanks," I whisper, taking the glass of white wine Jake hands me to take a hesitant sip from the drink. "The wedding is nice, isn't it?"

"Too corny, if you ask me. I don't know why people need this rubbish to celebrate their love."

"It's romantic."

"Girl crap."

"You always have to be tough. It doesn't make you any less manly if you allow yourself some emotions now and then."

He snarls and spits out on the grass next to us. God, this is such a gross behavior.

"I do have emotions. I just want people to see me for what I am. Don't you understand that?"

"Yes,"

"Sometimes it's like I'm losing myself and that scares me. Sounds pretty stupid doesn't it?"

"No, it's not. I guess that's normal. It's like me wanting to get my vaginoplasty so very much and on the other hand it scares the shit out of me."

"You don't have to get it, if you are not sure."

"I am sure."

"Having a vagina doesn't make you more of a woman and the SRS isn't even going to give you proper reproductive female organs. It's just cosmetic somehow, like getting a nose job or some crap like that."

"Don't let Erica hear you talk like that. She's so proud of her new genitals."

"And she would love to test them with you. I see the way she's drooling about you like a lovesick puppy."

"I don't like Erica as a partner. She's just a friend and I want it to stay that way."

Walking outside after telling Jake goodbye, I eventually find Alice sitting on some stairs next to a little fountain.

"Hey," I whisper, sitting down next to her when I notice that she's rubbing her ankle with her fingertips.

"Hey. Your friends are keeping you busy."

"I'm sorry about Erica. She's developing too much love interest in me but I hopefully managed to make it clear to her that I don't share her interest to deepen our relationship."

"Kay," she murmurs, while she continues rubbing her ankle. "Ouch, damn it."

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"I tripped over my heels while I was dancing with Ben. Now my ankle hurts. It's probably sprained."

"I'm sorry about that. Can you try to stand up?"

She nods her head but when she rises up, she instantly loses her balance. I wrap my arm around her to keep her upright.

"Does it hurt too much?"

"Yes," she croaks, suppressing a moan in her throat. I'm sorry she's hurting and because I don't want her to walk on that sprained ankle I place my other hand underneath the roundness of her backside and lift her up.

"You can't carry me."

"Sure, I can. Do you want to see a doctor?"

"No, I want to go home. Can we go home now?"

She buries her face against my neck, pressing her lips against the bare skin there while I carry her outside to the parking lot. Inside the car, I plant a kiss on her forehead and the tip of her nose before starting the engine.

"What did Erica tell you?" I ask her after a few awkward moments of silence. "It seemed to upset you."

"She told me a bit about her surgery and then she said that someone like me would never be capable of grasping what people like her and you are going through."

"Probably,-"

"That doesn't mean I care less. I want to understand everything but it would be easier if you'd talk about things with me."

"I'm afraid you are going to freak and run when I do that."

"I highly doubt I'll get far with my injured ankle." she stats, placing her dainty hand on mine. "So, are you going to tell me about what kind of appointment you have with this Dr. Volturi on Tuesday?"

I sigh deeply and step a bit too abruptly on the breaks after almost missing a stop sign.

"I'm getting an Orchiectomy, a castration."

"Why?"

"To remove my sex drive because for some odd reason the testo blocker doesn't seem to work properly."

"Do you think sex is something bad?"

"No, it's not. But it makes me feel uncomfortable. When I climaxed in your hand, I was so ashamed you'd be grossed by it."

"I was more like surprised."

"Surprised, " I snarl through my teeth as I park the car in front of my house. I help Alice outside and lift her up again, trying not to think about how I must look like carrying her around like that. It's not a very feminine thing to do but the warmth that spreads to me while I'm holding her close is so very pleasant.

Inside the house, I place her down on the couch and shove her heels off of her feet.

"Bella, you know that I like you. Right?"

"You like me," I whisper, circling my fingertips over her sprained ankle. It's starting to swell. Maybe I should get her some ice to put on it.

"Yes, I like you. I like you a lot. You are amazing and when you look at me it's like my heart is beating so loud that I'm afraid everyone will hear it."


	20. Chapter 20

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Somehow I feel like the last chapter sucked but I'm trying not to give up. I like the idea of the story a lot and I'm grateful for those of you who are open-minded enough to read about this topic. I love you, guys.

As always, ask me questions should you have any. I like hearing your thoughts.

****20****

I circle my fingertip over her eyebrow, down her cheekbone until I finally reach the soft fullness of her lower lip.

"You like me." I whisper huskily, leaning down to touch my mouth to hers. She instantly reacts to my kiss by letting the tip of her velvet tongue glide between my parted lips.

"Do you like me too? I mean more than Erica?"

"I like you better than anyone else I've ever met. It scares me how much I feel for you."

"Why does it scare you?" she asks me, shoving the plastic bag filled with ice from her injured ankle.

"Because I'm different and I shall always be different."

A shy smile flashes over Alice's pale face before she shifts around until she's eventually sitting on my lap. Her small hands cross behind my neck, fisting into the freshly mahogany colored tresses.

"I like you and I don't mind that you are different. Maybe I'm different too. My parents always were concerned that my mind isn't working properly."

I kiss her again, swirling my tongue against hers until every cell in body seems to be tingling. My cock twitches and I try to shift Alice down from my lap again.

"No," she breathes, breaking the contact of our lips for a moment. "I want to stay close to you."

"Alice, I can't. I can't control my…you know what…when you are so close to me."

She nods her head and rests it against my shoulder while her fingertips move down my side, fumbling around on the zipper of my dress.

"Let me see you. All of you."

"I'd rather die."

"Don't say stuff like that. It breaks my heart."

"Alice, this is difficult for me. I'm still so afraid you are going to run."

"I'm still here. I know that you are scared but I'm scared too and I don't want to lose you. Try to have a little trust in me. I won't run. I promise, I won't run."

Slowly I stand up from the couch, my head is spinning and my hands are quivering when I pull down the zipper of my dress.

I can't believe you're doing this, Bella, I tell myself, unclasping my bra. It falls down to the ground next to me and the cold wind that blows in from the open window makes my nipple hard within seconds. A throaty moan escapes my lips as Alice suddenly stands up and cups both of them in her dainty hands.

"They are real."

Nodding my head, I press my lips together to hold back the groans that build in my throat as she starts massaging the soft mounds with her delicate fingers.

Then her warm mouth closes around one of the pebbled tips and the sensations that float through my body make me forget everything around me. She sucks, first very gently than more eager, nibbling and teasing my sensitive flesh until I feel my dick throbbing against the fabric of my underwear.

For a moment I'm completely absorbed by the sensations of lust that are spreading though me and so, I'm completely startled by her fingers hooking inside the sides of my lace panties to pull them down.

"No,"

"Let me see you."

She's going to run now, ankle twisted or not. Maybe she's going to crawl away. That would sure as hell be a horrible way to end this.

I don't want it to end. I want to be with her so very much and that scares me because why would Alice want to be with a freak like me.

One like her can have like ten admirers on each of her fingers. Erica's nasal voice echoes in my head and I swallow hard because I know how risky it is to let myself get close to someone like Alice. She could do so much better than me, so much better.

"Are you crying?"

Her voice sounds horrified as she lifts her right hand up to my face to caress it with her fingertips.

"Alice, I can't do this. I'm too ashamed. I can barely manage to look at myself, so how can I let you see me? You are going to be disgusted. I know you will. I just know."

"No, I won't. You have to trust me. All of this is pointless when you can't have any trust in me."

I nod my head, turning it to the side as she pulls down my panties that are already moist from the precum that's leaking from the head.

"So, this is you." she murmurs, her breathe warm against my thigh. She is sitting on the couch, her eyes focused on my rock-hard erection.

"I'm ugly, an ugly freak. God, I'm so sorry, Alice."

"You're not a freak. Stop speaking so low of yourself. I don't like that."

Her fingers reach out, closing her fingers gently around the base of my cock.

"Does it hurt you when it gets hard like this?"

"No, it's just…well, I don't think I can describe it very well."

"But it feels good when I touch you here. Doesn't it?" she whispers shyly as her finger glide up and down my length, rubbing her thumb over the head.

Fuck this feels good. I can't believe she's still here with me. I can't believe she didn't freak out.

"You are still here." I whisper hoarsely watching fascinated how her small hand moves up my throbbing cock. With her fingers around it the disgusting thing looks a lot less ugly.

"Bella, where would I go? I want to be with you. I wanted to be with you from the first moment on. But I thought you didn't like me like that and then everything got so complicated when I found out you were transgender."

"Oh Alice," I moan, capturing her velvety lips with mine. I kiss her greedily as if this is my last chance to feel the warmth of her mouth and yet I know, for the first time, it's not. She and I, we belong together now.


	21. Chapter 21

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to those of you who read & review my story. Your support is highly appreciated.

The chapter below is a lemon and if you are uncomfortable with reading that kind of stuff, feel free to leave but I think our girls deserve some happy times now after all the drama.

****21****

I don't know how we make it to Alice's room with our lips never breaking contact with each other. She's light in my arms, weightless somehow and when I pull her dress down her delicate curves, I caress the soft roundness of her backside with trembling fingertips.

"You're so beautiful, so very beautiful." I whisper, unclasping her bra while I swirl the tip of my tongue over the salty tasting skin on her cleavage. Her perky breasts fit perfectly in my hands and when I start rolling their hardened tips between my fingers she moans against my shoulder.

I can't believe I'm here with her. I can't believe I'm here with her.

My heart is racing in my chest, my emotions rushing through my body, making me dizzy with waves of joy and pure pleasure.

Leaning back against the soft, cool cotton pillows on her bed, I close my eyes as she starts planting countless open-mouthed kisses all over my upper body. She's so tender, so loving and she wants to be with me, with me of all people.

I fist my hands into her dark curls as she closes her warm lips around one of my pebbled nipples and starts sucking and nibbling it playfully.

Her hand moves lower, closing around the base of my throbbing dick.

"Am I doing it right?" she whispers nervously, moving her fingers up and down a few times.

I cover her hand with mine, tightening the grip around my length and moan as the sensations float through me. I feel that I'm already close, so very close but I don't want this to be over yet.

My own free hand glides between Alice's slim thighs, rubbing over the thin material of her underwear that feels completely soaked against my fingertips.

"You're so wet for me." I murmur, circling my fingertip over her covered slit before shoving the panties down her legs. The musky scent of her arousal is overwhelming, intoxicating somehow and I hunger to taste it in my mouth.

Parting her legs, I kneel down between them, stroking myself lazily as I plant a first chaste kiss on her clean shaven sex. Even down here she's perfect and beautiful. Her rosy inner lips are glistening with moisture and I groan against her clit before swirling my tongue around it, lapping up the sweetly tart essence from her entrance. She's delicious and I lick her greedily, eager to give her as much pleasure as possible.

"Oh Bella, you're so tender with your tongue. Let me feel your fingers inside me."

She moans loudly, tossing around on the sheets while I move my tongue up and down her inner folds. Slowly, I shove two of my fingers inside her, stopping when I feel how tight she feels around them. She's so small, too small and I wonder what that moron…whatever was his name has done to her on that night. I bet she's still a virgin, or at least he hasn't managed to break properly through her hymen. Oh God, she feels so tight, so very tight.

I pull my fingers back, inserting just one to let her get used to having something inside her pussy. Circling it around, I eventually find the sensitive spongy spot deep inside her and her entire body turns ridged. Her clit pulses against my flat tongue and I almost tumble over the edge of my own lust because it turns me so on that I managed to make her come with my mouth.

Oh my Alice. I love you. I love, love, love, love you.

Breathlessly, I kiss her mouth again, making her taste herself all over my tongue and lips.

I whimper as she lets her tongue move lower and lower, dipping it inside my belly button. Then I feel her fingers closing around my shaft again and when I realize what she's about to do, I cup her face in my hand to stop her.

"Baby, you don't have to do this."

"Maybe I want to." she mumbles, taking a deep breath before swirling her tongue around the head of my cock.

Somehow unable to hold back, I lower my hands down to her head, caressing it gently while she starts sucking me inside the wet heat of her mouth. When I hit the back of her throat she gags around my shaft and pulls back.

"Does that feel good for you?" she whispers, circling the tip of her tongue around the swollen head and eventually down to the base while her dainty fingers cup my balls to roll them between them.

I can't answer her verbally, I'm too focused to keep on breathing, too focused on concentrating on not to come all over her face. I don't want that to happen. It would be horrible.

She sighs, closing her lips around my pulsing cock again, taking just about a third of it in her mouth while her hand glides up and down the rest of my length.

This is heaven, a sinful, forbidden, completely impossible glimpse of heaven. Being inside her sweet, warm mouth feels so good, it's divine.

When she starts sucking gently and takes me deeper inside her mouth, my eyes roll back in my head. My balls tighten painfully against my body and I barely manage to pull out a split second before I spill my seed over Alice's chest. My climax is so strong that it takes me several minutes until I calm down enough to grab the box with tissues from the nightstand and start cleaning her up again.

"I'm sorry about that." I whisper, wiping the sticky essence from her breasts. "I know it's gross. Hopefully this will stop after the Orchiectomy."

"It's okay. I don't mind. I'm more worried that you didn't like it."

"That I didn't like it?" my voice cracks and comes out a bit too shrill.

"You pulled back."

"Alice, I only pulled back because I didn't want to come inside your mouth. But I assure you that I enjoyed it, probably more than I should have."


	22. Chapter 22

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Is it okay to fan-girl a little over the release of the new BD trailer? I'm thrilled they showed Alice in it and I think that Bella looks amazing as a vampire.

Thanks to all of you who have alerted and reviewed my story. Your support is everything to me.

FAQ's

Has Bella been in a romantic relationship before?

Yes, but that was before she started her transition to a woman.

Apart from her parents, were there people who made her feel low about herself?

Unfortunately, yes. Most people are not very tolerant when it comes to transgender women.

As always, feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

Follow me on Twitter **MyTwiDreams**, if you'd like to talk or send me a pm. I love hearing your thougts on my story.

****22****

I can't stop looking at her. I just can't. My fingertips circle over her bare shoulder, mesmerized by the velvety softness of her skin. She's so beautiful and I still can't believe that such a wonderful person like her would want to be with someone like me.

In her sleep she whimpers, tossing around on the bed until her hands eventually crumple the pillows underneath her when she hugs them tightly.

With a sigh, I stand up from the bed, carefully making sure not to wake her up again when I tiptoe down to the kitchen.

As I wait for the coffee and toast to be ready, I swallow my pills and read through the leaflet about the upcoming procedure on Tuesday. The truth is that I'm scared, way too scared. Getting castrated won't turn me into a woman but into something even more in the middle than what I am right now.

God, I hate my life so much. Why do I have to be like this? What have I done to deserve destiny being so incredibly cruel to me?

"I woke up and you were gone." Alice's light voice murmurs behind me. I cringe and drop the leaflet to the ground, kneeling instantly down to pick it up again.

"I'm making breakfast for us." I whisper, wrapping my arms around her narrow waist. "Go back to bed. I'll bring everything up and we can eat there."

"What are you reading? Is that about your Orcie…whatever…about the castration?"

"Yes,"

She takes the leaflet from me and walks out of the kitchen. I lean my head against the fridge, pulling out the milk to take a thirsty sip straight from the box.

I don't want to discuss my surgeries with her. It makes me feel uncomfortable and yet at the same time, I'm glad that for the first time I'm not alone in this.

I'm so in thoughts that I almost manage to trip over the cat when I make my way up to the bedroom again. Alice takes the tray from me and places it next to her on the bed.

"I don't think this castration is the right thing to do. Why do you want that?"

I swallow hard and before I can even manage to stumble out a response I start crying.

"Why do I want that? Why do I want that?"

"Bella, my sweetheart, please calm down. I didn't mean to make you sad. Please, baby."

She rocks me against her chest and I soak the fabric of her shirt with my tears, until I eventually manage to compose myself enough.

"Do you really want to know what I want?"

"Yes, of course. I want to know everything about you. Please, stop crying, Bella. It breaks my heart."

My throat is dry and so, I end up drinking down the way too hot tea in small sips before I speak up again.

"I wished I could be a normal woman. I want to be five years old again and not being told over and over again that I'm a boy. I want to wake up from this endless nightmare that is my life."

"You knew you were like, well, like you are, since you were a child?" Alice asks me, unable to suppress the shocked tone in her voice.

"But your family, your parents, they should have done something to help you."

I sniff, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. With Alice's arms around my quivering body it is somehow easier to talk about the haunting ghosts of my past. She keeps me from falling apart.

"My father made me do all of this guy crap with him. Hiking, fishing, watching baseball games in order to make a proper boy out of me but none of that ever worked out. I asked my mother when God would change me into a real girl and she ended up burning all my dolls. When I hit puberty I wanted nothing more than to end my miserable life."

"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. I can't even tell you enough how sorry I am about all of this. I'm glad though you didn't harm yourself."

I nod my head, burying my face against Alice's neck. She's so very good at comforting me. I don't want to lose her. I love her so very much.

"The past is the past. But as for my future, I want to be accepted as a woman and without getting my bottom surgery I'm afraid this is impossible."

"To me you are a woman. My woman." she whispers, lowering her head to plant a tender kiss right below my earlobe.

Clearing her throat nervously, she shows me the part in the leaflet that talks about freezing sperm.

"Have you considered doing that before getting the surgery? I mean, just in case you want to have kids of your own one day."

"I'm not sure yet. I like kids but my own childhood was so horrible."

"Well, you could always make things different. I bet you'd be a wonderful mother. You are so warmhearted and protective."

For a split second the image of me, wrapping my arms around a pregnant Alice pops up in front of my inner eye. The picture is weird but yet so very beautiful. It's beautiful because of her.

"Bella, sweetie, I feel like you're rushing into something with this castration and I assume that it's partly my fault. I made you feel awkward with how I reacted to your penis when I first noticed it. But now, I'm okay with it. I really am."

"I want to be normal for you. I love you."

"Say that again."

"I want to be normal."

"No, not that, Bella. I meant the part when you said you love me."

I kiss her mouth, tasting a mixture of lip balm and tears on the tip of my tongue. Her hands glide underneath my shirt, stroking the skin around my stomach.

"Make love to me." she whispers, moving her fingers higher on my ribcage. "I want to be yours, all yours."


	23. Chapter 23

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows kiss to my amazing readers out there. Your support is totally blowing my mind and makes writing this story here so much more fun.

As always feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

****23****

My fingers are quivering when I cup her dear face between my hands to pull her closer to me.

"Are you sure? Are you sure that you want me inside you?"

She doesn't answer me, instead her lips cover mine and I'm overwhelmed by the pleasant sensations that spread through me when her tongue circles tenderly against mine. I'm somehow still not completely sure this is real. It can't be real for it feels too good to be real.

Alice pulls my shirt over my head and starts stroking my breasts with feather light movements. When her thumbs brush over the sensitive tips, they harden against her fingertips. I groan against her mouth, deepening our kiss by sucking gently on her tongue to tease her. My dick throbs against my shorts and I pull my beautiful girlfriend on my lap.

She whimpers and rubs herself against my length. Our bodies only separated by some thin layers of clothes.

"You'll be gentle to me. Right?" she asks me worriedly, when I circle my fingertips down her spine, feeling her soft skin break out in goose bumps under my caress.

"Yes," I whisper, my voice thick with lust. "I'll be gentle. I don't want to hurt you."

I remember how incredibly tight she has been around my fingers inside her and the thought of how it would be, how it will be to have my cock in her makes me even harder than I already am. I want her. I want her so very much.

Turning us around I plant kisses all over Alice's chest, undressing her gorgeous curves until she's eventually completely naked underneath me.

My lips find the rosy peaks of her breasts and when I nibble and lick them playfully, Alice hips lift up from the bed, rubbing against me again. She's wet and I can barely wait to push inside her tight heat over and over again.

I want her so very much that it is physically painful but I want to make this slow for her, for both of us. It will most likely still hurt her when I enter her for the first time.

Stroking her slick folds with my fingers, I wonder how much pain it will cause her when I take her here. I wished I could take her pain for her.

Parting her thighs, I kiss their insides, swirling my tongue higher until I reach her bare outer lips. She moans and that noise somehow in a magically way goes straight to my loins.

Her smell is so divine and the taste is even better when I dip my tongue into her entrance. My thumb circles her clit faster and faster. Her groans echo in my ear and then, the tiny pearl starts pulsing raggedly while her inner walls tighten and relax under the intensity of her climax.

"Make love to me. I want to feel you inside me."

I moan and take a deep breathe while I position my rock-hard erection at her entrance, rubbing it up and down a few times to coat myself in her slick essence.

"Tell me when it hurts too much." I whisper into her ear, before planting a soft kiss on her lips.

Slowly I push forward, feeling her stretch around me. Inch by inch I move forward, our bodies becoming one until I'm eventually completely inside her wet warmth. She tenses, her muscles cramping around me, driving me insane.

Alice whimpers and I caress her face with my fingertip, trying to concentrate on remaining perfectly still inside her.

"You're in me."

"Yes, baby." I whisper hoarsely. "Does it feel good for you or is it too painful?"

"It hurts but…oh…oh…fuck…it feels good too. Can you move?"

I pull out almost all the way and push back in, my mind being overwhelmed by the lust that is floating through my body. I didn't even know it was possible to feel so much.

My hips start moving faster and my cock throbs against the tightness around it.

"Touch yourself, baby." I whisper, guiding her dainty hand to her clit.

"Oh Bella…oh…my…oh…my God, I'm going to come again. I feel it…so close, so close."

I groan and cup her backside in my hands, lifting her up from the bed to glide even deeper inside her pussy. Being inside her is heaven and I lose myself completely in her warmth. In her love that makes me feel whole in a way I hadn't expected to ever feel complete.

My climax ripples through me, knocking the breath out of me as it pulses through every single fiber of my being. Her insides clench around me, holding me right where I am when I release deep within her.

"I love you." I tell her breathlessly, showering her sweat covered face with tender kisses. "I love you so very much. I never want to lose you."

Still buried inside her, I roll us over to the side, holding her as close to me as possible until my softening dick glides out of her moist heat.

"We belong together." she stats, circling her fingertips over the tattoo on my shoulder. "We belong together forever."

"Yes, we do."

Down in the kitchen glass splitters and I can hear someone growl and hiss loudly.

"Damn it! Oh Damn it!"

I sit up straight in the bed, holding Alice close to my chest.

"There's someone in the house." She whispers. "A burglar,"

"Stay here and call the police with your cell."

"No,"

"Alice, please, I don't want you to get hurt. I just want to check if he's still in the house. There is little enough there that is worth to be stolen."

Pulling my clothes back on again, I open the closet and pull the small grey box out from its deepest corner. The metal of the weapon is cold and shiny. I remember how my father's hand had clasped around my fingers when he had showed me how to use it. Maybe the only useful thing Charlie ever taught me in my life.


	24. Chapter 24

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Double update for you, my lovely readers; I hope you'll enjoy and don't forget to review. I love reading your thoughts on the story.

FAQ's

Shouldn't they have used some sort of contraception?

Yes, definitely but sometimes people tend to get carried away in the heat of the moment. Plus, I highly doubt that neither Alice nor Bella has some condoms in their nightstand…

****25****

I barely dare to breathe when I walk down the stairs, stepping over several pieces of broken glass. There is some blood too and I feel my stomach churn nervously.

"Bella?"

With quivering hands I drop the gun in my hands and shrug back when a familiar pair of mud green eyes looks up at me from the kitchen floor. He looks horrible. His hair is greasy, his clothes look as if he hasn't changed them in days and the expression on his face is somewhat lifeless.

"I broke your vase. The one my Mom gave you for last Christmas. I'm so sorry about that."

"Edward! What are you doing here?" I call out, noticing the blood trickling down his hand.

"You gave me a key. Have you forgotten about that?"

I make a mental note to myself that I need to stop giving spare keys to so many people. Why was he here? Weren't he and Tanya supposed to stay on that Brazilian Island for another two weeks?

"Alice, you can come down. It's just Edward!"

Kneeling down next to him, I examine the cuts in his right fist. They aren't deep but we should still clean them in order to prevent an infection.

"Man, are you okay? You look bad."

"I caught her…I caught her giving one of the hotel employee's a blowjob. How sick must someone be to cheat on you on your honeymoon?"

He starts crying and punching his fists against the floor.

"Stop that. You're only hurting yourself."

"I loved her and she spite on me. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world."

"I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do, let me know."

"Do you have alcohol here?"

"I think there's some white wine in the fridge."

"Girl crap, but I guess that's better than nothing."

Alice rushes down the stairs, wearing one of my shirts. It looks more like a dress on her delicate body. She has tried to comb her hair with her fingers but the black curls are still a tousled mess.

"Hello Edward. What are you doing here?"

"Hi Alice. Can't I just hang out with my friend Bella?"

"What's wrong with you? You look like shit."

"Leave me alone."

"Don't be so rude to her. It's not her fault that Tanya screwed you."

He nods his head and stands up again, washing his bleeding hand underneath the faucet.

"I'm sorry, also about the vase, Bella. I know you liked it a lot."

"I don't care about the stupid vase. I care about you. Where is Tanya now? Still in Brazil?"

"She's moving out of my apartment right now but I don't want to go back there anyway. I should just sell the place."

Alice gets the first aid kit from the bathroom and makes Edward sit down on one of the kitchen chairs to disinfect the cuts and wrap some gauze around it.

"You'd make a good nurse. I should ask my father to hire you."

"Hospitals don't smell too good to me. I don't think I'd like working there too much."

I pour him a glass of wine and he ends up gulping its entire content down greedily.

"More,"

"Drinking isn't going to bring her back."

"I don't want to see that whore ever again. You were so right about her. I know you didn't like her and I assumed that it was just because you were jealous."

"You'll find someone new. The right one is still out there for you."

"Alice, I don't need any talk like that. My parents will give me enough of that crap when I break the great news to them that I'm trying to get the marriage cancelled."

"Well, whatever. I'm going to take a shower now. Don't take your mood out on Bella."

With that she's gone and I sigh deeply, reaching out my hand to squeeze his unharmed left one for a moment.

"Can I crash on your couch tonight?"

You can have my guestroom while I share the other one with your cousin, I think, unable to keep my lips from curving up into a probably idiotic grin.

"Bella?"

"Oh yes, sure. No problem. I'm really sorry about Tanya. She doesn't deserve you."

"Can I have another drink?"

I hand him a bottle with diet coke and he snarls through his teeth before lifting the drink to his lips.

"Are you and Alice getting along okay? I shouldn't have asked you to let her stay with you. I know how nervous it makes you to get to know new people."

"It's ok. We're good friends."

We're so much more than friends, I add secretly in my mind. My heart starts beating faster in my chest when I memorize her warm body underneath me. Making love to her has been amazing. I hope she'll want to do it again soon.

"Have you told her about your little…ahm…secret?"

"That wasn't necessary. She found out, kind of."

"Oh I see. I hope she didn't react badly."

"I had it worse. Alice is alright with me being transgender."

He nods his head, running his fingers through his greasy hair. I don't know why he always has to smear tons of gel and other stuff in it.

"I want you to wash your hair before you put that head of yours on my couch pillows."

"Aye, Ma'am. How was your last therapy session? Is Whitlock going to sign the papers for your surgery?"

I frown, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"He thinks, I'm not ready yet."

"Maybe you should get a female therapist. I mean, which guy would allow for someone to cut off a dick? The thought is scary."

"Edward, you know they don't cut off genitals during SRS. They—"

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I know that you want that operation very badly."

Do I? I feel like I'm not sure about things anymore and that's mostly the fault of the beautiful girl upstairs.


	25. Chapter 25

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer.

[A/N] Thanks to all my lovely readers out there, who keep supporting my little story. Your encouragement means so much to me.

FAQ's

Could Bella get Alice pregnant?

Yes, most likely she could. Do we want that to happen? The girls, especially Bella has a whole lot of other things to deal with in her life right now.

****25***

„So, how has your week been, Bella?" Dr. Whitlock asks me, scrawling down some notes on the notebook on his lap. I hate these therapy sessions with him because this man has a tendency to dig into old wounds a bit too much.

"Okay, I guess." I mumble, trying hard to keep my voice as casual as possible. The truth is that in the last days so much has happened that changed my life irrevocably. My heart flutters, like a little bird's wings when I think of the lovely dark-haired beauty who is now my girlfriend. My girlfriend; how much I like the sound of this.

"Bella, the purpose of this therapy is for you to talk to me about everything that goes on in your life. I can only help you if you are being open to me."

"Alice and I, we are together now. I mean together like as in a couple."

"I know what being together means. Have you told her about you being transgendered?"

"She found out."

"See, that's what I'm trying to teach you. It is necessary that you are being honest about your situation if you let people get close to you."

"Most people don't react to good to the truth. As for Alice—she is very supportive. I can't believe someone as wonderful as she wants to be with someone like me."

He takes a sip from the glass of water on the table next to his chair and clears his throat before speaking up again.

"You think yourself not good enough for her? Because of you as a person or because of you being transgender?"

"The second reason, I guess. Look, I just know I'm not good enough for her. She could do way better."

"But she wants to be with you. Why do you think it is that way?"

I shrug my shoulders and try to think of a good way to answer him. There is none. It makes zero, completely zero sense that she wants a relationship with me. People will stare at us and give her a hard time. She doesn't even know what she's getting herself into by being with a transgender woman.

"Do you want me to tell you the reason?"

"Sure." I whisper nervously, biting my lower lip until I taste blood in my mouth.

"Because it makes no sense."

"What?"

"Love, I mean. It's nothing that you can grasp with reasonable thoughts. This Alice seems to like you and whether that interest is based on curiosity or some deeper emotions, it's still there. The question is can you handle having someone being so close to you? You still have a lot of work to do in your transitioning and no, I'm not talking about having more surgeries."

"I considered getting a castration but then I kind of chickened out."

"Because you're not ready, Bella. You need to learn to accept yourself first. The fact that you are transgender won't change whether you get your bottom surgery or not."

His eyes flicker to the clock on the wall before he stands up from his chair.

"Time is up. Next time I would like you to bring some childhood pictures of you, so that we can discuss that part of your life a bit further."

"I don't want to do that and you know it."

"Yes, I do. But I don't know why it is that way. It's part of my job to find out."

We walk down the hall to the elevators and when its doors open Alice stands in the frame, carrying several bags in her hands. She has used the time to do some shopping.

"Are you ready to go?" she asks me, brushing my forearm with her fingertips.

"My therapy session is finished."

"That's good. Is that your shrink?"

Whitlock smirks, running his fingers through the blonde waves on his head before holding out his hand to Alice to squeeze hers.

"Dr. Jasper Whitlock. It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss?"

"Brandon. Alice Brandon. You can let go of my hand now, Dr. Whitlock."

I wrap my arm around Alice's delicate shoulder and pull her with me towards the parking lot.

"He's young for a shrink."

"I don't care how old he is but I didn't like the way he looked at you too much."

"Are you jealous of that weirdo?"

"No,"

I sit down in the car and before I can put on my seatbelt, she's already on my lap. Her mouth stiffens my weakly attempts of a protest as her tongue pushes between my lips.

"People will see us."

"I don't care. Don't tell me you're one of those girls who don't want to get kissed in public places."

Cupping her face in my right hand, I circle my thumb over her cheekbone down to her soft lips.

"You don't know what you are getting yourself into by being with someone like me. People are really rude when they figure out what I am."

"You mean who you are."

"What I am. I hate being this in between. Not a man anymore, not a woman yet."

"Is that why you want to get this vagina-operation so badly?"

"I want to be accepted. I always thought that the vaginoplasty is what could give that to me. But now, I'm not so sure anymore."

"Why?"

"Because of you, Alice. When I made love to you, it made me feel so right. For the first time in my life I wasn't completely disgusted by my body's reactions."

She leans her head against my shoulder, swirling the tip of her tongue over a small stipe of bare skin on my collarbone.

"I liked having you inside me. It made me feel amazing. I wished I could give the same pleasures to you."

"Alice, you give me everything. Everything I never thought I would ever have."

"We belong together. I don't care what people think. You are a wonderful person and I'm proud to be with you."


	26. Chapter 26

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I feel like I'm spoiling you with double updates but I have lots of time to write in the next days and can't focus on any of my other WIP's.

Thanks for your interest in my story. I appreciate it a lot

FAQ's

Do people think Bella isn't a woman or is she just paranoid?

Her passing is quite good, so unlike people know about her "little secret", they see her as female. But Bella is still constantly worried someone would notice.

As always, feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****26****

He's drunk. I can smell the disgusting stench of cheap beer and whisky on his breath when he opens the door to his apartment.

"Hi there," he greets me. "Do you want a drink too? I'm having a party."

"Edward, please stop drinking. I think you already had more than it is good for you."

He chuckles bitterly while I follow him into the kitchen. There are boxes standing around everywhere and I assume that he was serious about moving out of this place. It probably holds too many bad memories for him.

"I'm sorry about Tanya but that woman is not worth it to let yourself go like this. Have you eaten at all since you came back from Brazil?"

"I had beer. It's full of vitamins."

I sigh and pull out some cheese and ham from his fridge to make him some sandwiches while his cell starts vibrating on the table.

"Aren't you going to take that call?"

"It could be _her_."

Nodding my head, I place the sandwiches in front of him and sit down.

"I'm not leaving before you finished that."

"Bella, just leave me alone. You don't know how that feels like…to get your heart ripped out of your chest. I wished I was dead."

"She's not worth it."

"I know. Don't you think I fucking know that, Swan?"

He grabs another bottle of beer but I take it from him and pour its content down the kitchen sink.

"If you don't like me drinking, feel free to leave."

"I'm your friend. Friends don't let each other down."

He sighs deeply and rubs his reddened eyes before stuffing one of the sandwiches between his lips. I pour him a glass with coke that he gulps down thirstily.

"Everything was way better when we were still kids, wasn't it?"

"For you, that's probably right."

"You should talk about your childhood to that shrink of yours. It might help you."

"That's what Whitlock thinks too. He wants me to bring pictures with me to my next session."

"Don't you have any? I'm sure you are in some of mine. Let me take a look."

He walks to the living room and I try not to stumble over the boxes on the ground when I follow him.

"You don't have to look for pictures of Brian. I don't wish to see them."

"Stop talking as if he wasn't you. That's weird."

"Weird is my middle name."

"I thought that was Marie. Have you decided to change it again?"

I punch him against his shoulder and he drops the photo album on the couch.

"Have you spoken to your parents yet?"

"Have you spoken to yours?"

"Why would I talk to them?"

Fisting his hands through the unruly mess of coppery hair on his head, he stares down on the ground for a moment before speaking up again.

"They miss you. I know that because Renee keeps asking my father about you almost every day."

"She probably hopes he'd find a cure for my condition. My parents made it pretty clear to me that I wasn't welcome in their house anymore as long as I didn't get my behavior back to normal."

"I'm sorry they have so much trouble accepting you. If you want me to I could talk to Charlie and Renee."

"No use in wasting your time in that, but thanks for your offer. I know you said that because you care."

"I'll always care about you. I cared about you since we were little kids and I had to punch all those idiots in kindergarten to defend you."

"You were my hero."

He smirks and leans forward to plant a kiss on my forehead.

"You look pretty today. Did you change something on your medication? It's like you are glowing from the inside out."

"I'm happy. That's probably not what you care for to hear at the moment."

"Are you shitting me? I always care whether you are happy or not. Let me guess, the shrink has signed the papers for your bottom surgery? There can't be another reason for you being in such an excellent mood."

"Whitlock thinks I'm not ready for that step and I'm starting to believe that he might be right with it. I need to learn to accept things as they are. It's not like too many people are getting to see my genitals."

"Yeah, right. So, if the reason for you being happy is not an upcoming surgery, what's the reason then?"

I take a deep breathe in order to prepare myself for the reason why I came to see him today. He's my best friend and I want to tell him about me and Alice so very much.

"I've fallen in love and for some wondrously reason that amazing person likes me back."

"Is it that Asian chick from your group? I told you she had it thick for you."

"No, it's not Erica. She's just a friend."

And I hope that Erica is going to grasp that pretty soon. I don't want to have to choose between our friendship and my relationship with Alice.

"Then who's the lucky girl? I always wanted to know what your type is. You haven't been with anyone since in forever."

"Will you promise me to be okay with it?"

"That's a strange question, even for you. It's not Tanya is it?"

"That slut? She thinks I'm a freak and should be locked away from society."

"I was just trying to make a lame joke. Humor is not my strong point."

"Will you be okay with it now, yes or no?"

"Of course, I'll be okay with your girlfriend. You have been alone for far too long and if anyone of all people deserves to be happy, it's you."

"I'm with Alice now." I whisper nervously, unable to look him in the eyes.

"Alice? As in my cousin Alice? For real?"

"Please be okay with it. I need you to be okay with us."

"Bella, honey, I'm fine with you dating her. But the ones who won't like this relationship will be her parents."


	27. Chapter 27

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank those of you who are so incredibly supportive of me and my works. Your encouragement means a lot to me.

FAQ's

How old are Bella and Alice in the story?

Bella is twenty-three and Alice is twenty-one

As always feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****27****

The air inside the waiting room is sticky and when I take a deep breathe I smell a disgusting mixture of old sweat and chemicals. I hate coming here but as I'm running out of my estrogen pills, a visit to my endocrinologist is inevitable.

Alice who is sitting next to me sighs deeply before she stands up to open the small window at the right side.

"Oh yes, that's better."

I pull the bottle with water out of my handbag and hand it to her with an apologetic smile.

"You didn't have to come here with me. It's boring and a terrible waste of time."

"Time that I get to spend with you is never wasted." she stats, taking my hand in both of hers. It feels nice having her here with me, comforting somehow.

Someone clears his throat loudly and sneezes. God, this place is like an incubator for all kinds of germs.

Rising my head I notice a chubby girl sitting between her parents. Her chin long curls are fixed with some glittery hair clips and she's wearing a tight top that shows a bit too much of her rounded stomach.

"How long will we have to wait?" she asks her father, blowing a bubble with the gum in her mouth. "You said we'd go shopping. I want a bra."

"You don't need a bra yet, young lady."

"Yes, I do. Or I will soon and it's always good to be prepared. Right, Mom?"

The mother nods her head and sighs deeply before turning her attention to her husband.

"Are you sure, we're doing the right thing with these puberty blockers?"

"No, I'm not sure but what other choice do we have?"

The door is pulled open and the thin-lipped assistant enters the room, her face as usually turned into a frown. I think this woman is not capable of a smile, maybe her facial muscles aren't working properly.

"Mr. and Mrs. Tanner? Dr. Jenks is ready to see David now."

"Dana." the child snarls, stamping her foot on the greenish linoleum floor.

"My name is Dana. Mom, tell her my name is not David! Tell her!"

"I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Tanner. Will you follow me please?"

When they are out of sight, Alice turns to me with huge questioning eyes.

"The girl is like you."

"Yes, she is but she's much luckier than I was at her age."

"How so?"

I take a sip from the bottle of water and stare down at my shoes, rubbing their tips against each other.

"Her parents are supportive. They are putting her on puberty blockers."

"Puberty blockers? They want her to remain a child?"

"No, they just want to keep her from getting through the same crap that I had to endure. Once the hormones kick in and puberty starts there is no turning back."

Tears start burning in my eyes, the sharp pain that cramps in my chest so overwhelming that I gasp for air.

"Bella, sweetie, what's wrong with you?"

"Everything! Everything is wrong with me and it's so not fair. I had to have this horrible male puberty that fucked up my body irrevocably. I'm too tall, my voice is damaged and don't remind me of the countless hours of painful electrolysis that I had to endure in order to get rid of my facial hair."

The assistant peaks her head in again and I stand up to get through the familiar process of getting my blood and urine checked. Half an hour later, I'm good to go with a brand new set of estrogen injections in my handbag. Unlike the pills I won't have to take them daily. We'll see if that works out better with my migraine attacks.

On the way back to my car, Alice is silent. She seems sad somehow and that makes me feel awkward.

I hug her tightly from behind, letting my lips move down her jaw until I reach the pale skin on her neck to suck it between my front teeth.

"You're not sad because of me. Are you?" I ask her worriedly.

"I don't know. It's more like I'm mad at your parents because they didn't support you when you needed them the most."

"Please don't mention them. It's just too painful."

"Okay, if you prefer it that way."

We sit down in the car and I start the engine that makes some weird roaring noises. I pray that it won't break down again somewhere. I need my money for more important things than car repairs.

"Oh before I forget it, I told Edward about us."

"Kay. He's fine with it. Right?"

"Hmm, yes he is, but he said that your parents might not like if they knew."

"My parents have trouble accepting the fact that I'm a lesbian. They even considered sending me to one of those awful camps."

"Camp? What kind of camp?"

"Yeah, you know, some of those…"Let's pray the gay away" camps. It was horrible and the fact that they couldn't stand Lauren for crying out loud didn't make things easier. They are probably happy that I'm away from home now and they don't have to explain my weirdness to our neighbors back home in Biloxi. They are ashamed of me."

"And if they knew that you're dating a freak like me now—"

Her fingertip is against my lips before I can finish the sentence.

"Stop speaking of yourself as a freak. I don't like that."

"But it's the truth. You'll find out soon enough about that. People will stare at you for being with someone like me."

"I don't give a shit what people think. I want to be with you."

I pull her close to me and kiss her warm lips until the windows of the car are steamed. Her tongue circles over the shell of my ear, sending a wave of shivers down my spine.

"Let's go home." I whisper between breathless kisses. "I want to make love to you so very much."


	28. Chapter 28

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank those of you who encourage me with your supportive feedback. It's your love for my stories that motivates me to keep going, even when I sometimes feel more like giving up.

To the haters out there – why are you even bothering to read my works if you think they suck? If you don't like what I'm doing, feel free to leave. I don't need your negative energy around to ruin the fun I have in writing with your bitterness.

FAQ's

Are we going to meet Alice's parents at some point?

Yes, definitely. Also, Charlie and Renee but it may take a while.

Will Alice get pregnant?

Maybe yes, maybe no…I haven't decided about that yet.

****28****

The warmth inside her feels amazing as her small body moves up and down on my hard length. My left hand grabs her hip, trying somehow to control her movements until both of us find the same rhythm.

Pearly sweat trickles down between her breasts and when I lean forward to lick it up, my shaft glides even deeper inside her tightness. This is so beyond good. She's so close to me and it's heavenly, like her body was always meant to be connected with mine.

Her hands find my breasts and I groan against her lips, when she rolls the sensitive tips between her delicate fingers. Is there some secret connection between my nipples and my throbbing dick?

"Does this feel good for you?" she whimpers, rocking back and forth so fast that her perky breasts bounce up and down.

Instead of answering her, I let my tongue glide between her velvety lips, swirling it around to explore the inside of her mouth. My balls tighten and I try to still completely inside her for a moment.

"Is something wrong?"

"Just give me a minute. I don't want this to be over yet."

"Me too," she moans leaning her head against my shoulder. I caress the damp curls of her hair and run my fingertip down her bare spine.

"I love having you inside me. So full…it's like you're filling me up completely. I never thought I would enjoy this so much but it turns me on so much to have you in me, so deep in me."

"Alice, I'm going to come if you say stuff like this."

Her hand glides down between our joined bodies to touch her clit and when I feel her inner walls tightening around my cock a few minutes later, my eyes roll back in my head. The lust pulses throughout me and I spill into the latex cover around my dick. At least I remembered wearing one this time.

Trying to move her from my length, I kiss her tenderly and shift us around until she's underneath me.

"Stay inside me."

"I'll be right back." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I rush into the bathroom to throw the condom into the trash underneath the sink. My heart is pounding in my chest as I wipe myself clean again.

Are you a guy now? A guy who enjoys fucking his girlfriend with his cock?

The thought is so painful to me that I'm almost crying when I make it back to Alice's bedroom. Inside here it always smells like paint and then there's the very musky scent of sweat and sex in the air.

"Did I do something wrong? You seem upset."

"It's nothing."

She sighs and pulls me towards her, wrapping a blanket around us before she cuddles against my chest.

"I don't like when you're sad."

"I know."

"Then tell me what's wrong with you. When we made love I thought that you enjoyed it as much as I did."

"I did. See, that's the problem."

"I don't think I understand. If you like it and I like it, how can that be a problem?"

I clear my throat nervously and pull her closer against my chest. I love her. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her. But if she wants me to be the guy in this relationship I can't give that to her. It would kill me.

"I can't be a man for you." I tell her, my voice breaking more with every word I speak. "I can't be a man. It's just impossible."

"Bella, I don't expect you to be a man. I don't even like men. Never have, never will. I like sleeping with you. I like it because it's with you."

She cups my face in her hands, putting the long wisps of my hair behind my ears.

"I want you as a woman who wants another woman. Please, don't doubt that."

"I'm just scared. Everything is so complicated to me at the moment and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it."

"You don't have to be scared. I will always be here for you."

I kiss her mouth, then the tip of her nose before brushing my lips gently over the silkiness of her tiny eyelashes.

"You're perfect."

"No, I'm not. You'll find out about that soon enough and I hope you'll still like me when it happens."

My cell starts ringing and I lean down to fumble it out of my handbag.

"Hello."

"Hi sweetie, it's me. I'm not disturbing you. Am I?"

"Hey, Erica. How's it going?"

"I wanted to ask if you'd like to go out with me and the others to celebrate some great news I just received."

"What kind of news?" I ask her, sitting up straight in the bed.

"They changed my birth certificate! Isn't that wonderful? I can't wait for Eric Yorkie to disappear from the surface of the world forever. I'm so happy."

"Yeah, that's some good news. I'm happy for you." I mumble, trying to suppress the jealousy in my voice.

"You don't sound too happy. Oh sweetie, once you get your own vaginoplasty, all of this is possible for you too."

"I'm not sure about the operation yet." I confess, nibbling nervously on a curl of my hair.

"You know that you can't change your papers here in Washington unless you get a bottom surgery?"

"Yes, I know that. Thanks for reminding me, Erica."

"I can help you. I know someone who knows a shrink who is willing to sign the necessary papers, if you reward his time with some extra cash."

"I don't want that."

"Why? I thought you were sure about this. I thought you wanted to get rid of this disgusting thing between your legs."

"I want time. I need some time."

"You're not serious. Is that the influence of your little girlfriend?"

"It has nothing to do with her. This is about me, not Alice."


	29. Chapter 29

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome to a brand new double update. I'm thankful for those of you who enjoy reading my story. You guys rock.

FAQ's

Is Bella going to have the OP?

She's not sure yet. It's really a big decision and I don't want her to rush into anything, she'd regret afterwards.

What's Bella's penis size?

Oh my gosh, I can't believe someone finally dared to ask about that. Let's just say, that her size is perfectly acceptable to satisfy all of Alice's needs.

****29****

„Why did you bring _her_ with you?" Erica asks me, when she wraps her arms around me in a hug that lasts a bit longer than it would be necessary.

I pull back and take Alice's hand in mine to squeeze it tightly.

"Alice is my girlfriend and if you don't like having her here— we can leave, both of us."

Erica shrugs back and the smile on her face freezes to ice. I notice that she's wearing a bit more makeup than she usually does and it's obvious that she's invested her time into a shopping trip to buy the blue dress she's wearing.

"I didn't mean it like that. Will you come with me to the bathroom, sweetie? I have to powder my nose."

"Can't you handle that on your own like a big girl?"

She hisses something between her teeth that is too low for me to understand it and rushes off. Great, now she's pissed at me.

Alice sighs deeply and lifts my hand up to her ruby tinted lips to blow a kiss over my knuckles.

"She hates me for being with you."

"No, she doesn't. Erica is just nervous around people she doesn't know. I talk about it with her. She needs to accept you or things between me and her will get awkward."

"I still say she hates me."

"Who hates you?"

We turn around and I fight the urge to take the bottle of beer away from Edward. Alcohol is not going to make him feel any better but I guess he'll have to figure that out himself.

"No one," Alice whispers, running her fingertip up and down my spine until I eventually pull her closer against my body. "It doesn't matter."

"If you say so, Alice." he murmurs, taking another sip from his drink.

"Is this your first beer, Edward?" my beautiful girlfriend asks her bronze-haired cousin worriedly.

"Are you my mother now?"

"Aunt Esme wouldn't like to see you drink alcohol at all."

"Well, then cheers that she's not here. I called her today and told her about the divorce. She cried. Yeah, I'm that kind of man now who makes his own mother cry."

"I'm sure, she'll calm down again. All of this is Tanya's fault and not yours."

"Love is for idiots. I should have known better."

I take the beer and place it on the tray of the next waitress that passes us by.

"Seems like your girlfriend thinks I need a babysitter."

"Better a babysitter than an AA meeting." I state while we walk through the crowded club. I don't understand why it is so full here on weekdays. Doesn't anybody have to work these days?

"Hi Bella," Jake greets me, planting a kiss on both of my cheeks.

"What are Edward and your girlfriend doing here? Is everyone invited to gape at us freaks?"

"Leon, give it a rest. Alice is okay. She belongs to me now."

"And you trust her? She's going to run for the hills once she figures out how things are like for people like us."

"I love Bella and I don't care too much about what people say."

"Well, good luck with it." Leon murmurs, gulping down the whisky between his hands.

Erica returns pressing a blood soaked tissue against her lower lip.

"Crap, what happened to you? Is everything okay?"

"I'm fine." she whispers huskily as she sits down on the bench next to us.

"You're bleeding. Let me take a look."

Edward kneels down in front of her and I wonder if he's going to vomit all over the floor now. He can't stomach seeing blood. The son of a doctor and he can't see blood. It's quite amusing somehow.

"We should put some ice on it."

"Please, don't make such a fuss about. That's not necessary."

He frowns and disappears, only to return with a glass filled with ice cubes a few moments later.

"Here, this should be better."

Erica's check blush as she mumbles a thank you between her teeth. She's nervous and tensed. I have to figure out, what happened to her.

I place my arm on her shoulder and pull her with me.

"Come with me. The blood will leave a stain on your dress if we don't rub it out."

Inside the bathroom, I force her to sit down on the ground and rinse a towel underneath the faucet.

"We shouldn't be here. They might come back."

"Who?"

The door to the bathroom is pulled open and a pair of two angry looking brunettes looks back at us.

"Are you still here, you disgusting freak? This bathroom is for women! You're a guy, so piss off!"

Behind them another woman, a dainty blonde with way too much black eye shadow smeared around her blue eyes.

"Chelsea, Heidi, it looks like she has some company now. Are you tranny freaks taking over this club now or what? You don't belong here."

I swallow hard and stand up from the ground. Scenes like this are so ugly and usually I try avoid conflicts like that as good as I can.

"We're women. Leave us alone."

The little blonde chuckles while her mouth curves upwards into a devilish grin.

"So, you think you are a woman?"

"Leave us alone. We haven't done anything to you."

"You are sickos who should just be kept away from normal people. Use the men's bathroom. We don't want to get raped by some disgusting freaks like you."

"Erica, we're leaving. I don't want to listen to crap like this."

I shove Erica who is trembling from head to toe towards the door, when I suddenly feel a small, ice-cold hand on my waist.

"You are not a woman. You'll never be a woman."

Blondie grins again and while her two friends hold my arms behind my back, she steps closer to me, circling her hand down my abdomen.

"This may hurt just a little." she whispers in a sweet voice before her fist closes forcefully around my genitals.


	30. Chapter 30

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows kisses to her awesome readers out there. I can't believe I managed to get over 400 reviews for my little story here. It means so much to know that some people out there obviously like what I'm writing.

FAQ's

Why is Edward always so rude to Alice?

I think he's just in a pretty bad mood because of the whole Tanya situation.

How did they know that Erica and Bella are transgender?

We'll find out about that in one of the next chapters. Let me just give you a hint that it has to do with who Jane's father is.

As always, feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****30****

For a split second I'm completely numb but then inevitably the nausea and excruciating pain kicks in with full force. I sink to my knees when my stomach heaves and I throw up a gush of bitterly acid.

"You're just gross." one of the brunette states, before she and her two friends rush out of the bathroom.

I manage to crawl towards one of the stalls where my stomach cramps again. The throbbing pain between my legs is so overwhelming that I feel the tears pouring down my face.

Erica is behind me, stroking my back while she holds my hair together with her other hand.

"I'm so sorry. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry."

A whimper escapes my throat when I finally manage to stop with the vomiting. I feel dirty and so beyond humiliated like I haven't in a while.

"Do you need a doctor?"

"No," I croak out huskily when she helps me to stand up again. The pain ripples throughout me and hesitantly I lower my hand to my aching balls. I don't think the castration could have been any worse than this.

"Are you sure, sweetie?" she asks me, wrapping her arm around me.

"No, doctor, I shall be okay."

"Bella, sweetie, I think you should let someone have a look at you."

The bathroom door opens and when I see Alice, I wish desperately for a sudden loss of power so that she won't be able to see me in my misery.

"Oh my God,"

Crap that probably means I look worse than I feel.

"It's nothing." I moan, trying to keep my voice steady. The nausea is so overwhelming that I barely manage to turn my head to the toilet bowl again. My stomach heaves but there is nothing left there that could come up.

"What happened?"

"Nothing," Erica stats handing me some paper towels to clean my face.

"I asked Bella and not you. Honey, please tell me what happened. Are you hurt?"

"No," I whimper. "Everything is fine."

"You're not fine."

I start crying, burying my face in my hands as the overwhelming feeling of shame washes over me. I don't want her to find out what these bitches have done to me. It's too humiliating.

"You should just leave her alone." Erica tells Alice in that high pitched voice she always uses when she's nervous.

"Don't tell me what to do! If anyone is going to leave here, it'll be you."

"You know shit."

"Please don't fight because of me. I'll be okay. I just need some…fresh air, maybe some ice."

"Ice? Bella, did you hurt yourself?"

I shake my head and try to move my hand from my genitals without attracting attention.

Somehow I manage to make it outside the club, taking several deep breaths through my nose while the pain gets worse instead of less with every moment.

"Tell me what happened!"

"I can't. Alice, I just can't."

"Don't you trust me?"

Erica is next to me in a heartbeat before I collapse down to the wet asphalt of the parking lot.

"You won't touch her! I want to know what happened to her. She's acting as if she's under shock or something."

"It's none of your business. You don't understand how things are like for people like us. We're lucky they didn't—,"

"Erica, stop." I plead, swallowing back another wave of vomit in my mouth.

"Go and get Edward." Alice snarls at Erica and the tone of her voice is so strict that she instantly jumps up and rushes back inside the club.

"Baby, what's wrong with you?"

"They…said we shouldn't be in the women's bathroom. Two of them held me and the third…she, she…"

With quivering fingers I lower my hand to my aching balls. I feel as if something is damaged inside them.

"Someone did this to you! Who?"

"Doesn't matter,"

"Yes it does. You need to press charges against these people. They have hurt you."

"It's not that bad. I just need some ice…and some painkillers."

"You need a doctor. I'll drive you to the hospital."

"I don't want a doctor to look at me. I just want to be alone."

Edward and Erica appear next to us and I force my lips into something that hopefully resembles a fake smile.

"Shit, what happened to you?"

"Nothing,"

"You suck at lying, Swan. Alice, has she told you what happened?"

"Someone attacked her."

"Please, don't make such a fuss about it. I'll be okay. I just want to go home. I don't feel well."

He nods his head and sighs deeply.

"They are still in the club, aren't they? The shitheads who hurt you , I mean."

"Edward, please, just let them be. This is how things are like."

He growls and turns to Erica, grabbing her a bit too tightly around her arm.

"Did you see them?"

"Ye-Yes."

"Fine, then you are going to help me find them. Come with me."

When they are gone, Alice wraps her arm around my middle and forces me to sit down on the passenger seat of my car.

During the entire ride back home we don't speak and I try to hold back more tears. I'm so ashamed and the fact that Alice is here with me makes everything even worse somehow.

She helps me out of the car and while I manage to limp to the bathroom, I can hear her fumble around in the kitchen.

"Here's your ice. Let me take a look at your injury."

"No,"

"Stop being so stubborn, Bella. You are hurt and I'm here to take care of you. This is what people do for the ones they love."

With careful movements she pulls my skirt up and the lace panties down my trembling thighs. Her fingers are pleasantly cold against my balls and a low moan escapes my dry mouth.

"It looks as if it's going to bruise. Are you sure that you don't want to let a doctor check on you?"


	31. Chapter 31

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I cherish your interest in my writing a lot.

****31****

Alice is sitting next to me on the edge of my bed when I open my tired eyes in the early morning hours. She looks exhausted, as if she hasn't slept one minute at all. Shit, has she been up all night to watch over me?

"Are you feeling a bit better now?" she asks me, running her fingertip down my forehead.

I groan and sit up in the bed. My genitals are still hurting awfully and now that the painkillers I swallowed hours ago have stopped working, it's even more awkward than before. I feel so disgustingly dirty somehow.

"It'll be fine. I'm going to take a shower now. You should go back to sleep, Alice. You look tired."

"I look tired because I was worried sick about you. I have no clue how much damage these fucking bitches have done to you."

She sobs and I pull her against my side, stroking her hair with quivering fingers.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry you had to witness this."

"If I had been there with you, I would have left a permanent mark on that horrible person's face. I just can't understand why someone would hurt you so much without any reason."

I wipe tears from her face and plant a soft kiss on her forehead, before I stand up from my bed.

"See, I told you, I go to a lot of crap. It's just how things are like. People are disgusted by people like me and Erica. I'm lucky it was just some bratty girls and not a guy. That could have ended horribly."

"I will never let anyone hurt you again." Alice whispers and in that moment I love her even more than I already do. She doesn't know what she's getting herself into. My beautiful, brave, caring girlfriend…

She follows me into the bathroom and I'm too weak to protest when she steps into the shower with me and starts rubbing some vanilla scented body wash all over me. Her dainty fingertips caress the bruises on my genitals and when she touches their left side, I wince. Crap that hurts so much.

"You have to let a doctor take a look at you. She might have hurt you severely."

"I don't want to go to a doctor. That's humiliating."

"No, it's not. Some people shove wine bottles up their ass. That's embarrassing. You got hurt. There is no need to be ashamed about that."

I shake my head and sit down on the edge of the tub to towel-dry my long hair. It's my favorite feature on me and I take pride in it.

While Alice gets dressed again I walk down to the kitchen and notice two new messages on the machine. Pouring myself a glass of water to swallow more painkillers, I wait for the first message to start playing.

"Bella, it's me, Edward. Are you up? Call me, princess."

I call him back immediately because I know that he will most likely show up here in a few minutes if I don't do it. Edward has some overly protective tendencies when he's not too focused on devoting his time on a woman. Tanya is a stupid cow for screwing things up with him.

"Morning, Edward."

"Hey. Have you been to a doctor?"

"No. It was just a….well, you know how it's like to get kicked there. Don't you? Hurts like shit but that will hopefully pass quite soon."

"You are playing everything down because you are embarrassed. Last night you looked as if you were close to fainting."

"I don't wish to be reminded of last night. How did yours end?"

"Your so-called friend Erica is a goddamn coward. She made me follow her throughout this shitty club for almost two hours until she finally broke the truth to me that she thinks she doesn't remember how your attackers looked like."

"She's just scared."

"She's stupid. Things will never change if you let that sort of people treat you like shit. But I'm not going to give up. I'll get those fuckers and then I—,"

"Edward, please, just let it be. It doesn't make undone what happened."

"I know, princess, but still. I don't want anyone to hurt you."

"I know. Look, can we talk later. Alice is insisting I need to see a doctor."

"Smart girl my little cousin. You tell her I said hi, will you?"

"Sure,"

I hang up and prepare some sandwiches for me and Alice that we eat during our ride to the hospital. It's awkward and embarrassing to go there. In my head I start making up a good idea of what I'm going to tell the doctor.

The nurse in the waiting hall is a bitch. She looks at my papers that still are under the name Brian C. Swan and then back at me while the eyes behind her glasses widen more with every raspy breath she takes.

Alice clears her throat and when she speaks up her usually friendly voice comes out cold like ice.

"Is there a problem, Miss Stanley? My friend here needs to see a doctor and you're wasting a bit too much time starring at her instead of doing your job."

"I was just. Well, I was just…I'm sorry. I'll show you to the examination room. "

Inside the tiny room it smells even more of disinfectant and there is something about that awful stench that reminds me instantly of dead and sickness.

"Don't be afraid. Everything will be fine. I won't let you alone."

I sigh deeply and plant a kiss on Alice's hair. She's so sweet. I will never be able to give her enough back for being so supportive to me all the time.

The door opens and for a split second the aroma of peppermint and expensive aftershave overpowers the acrid smell in the air. There is only one person I know who smells like this and I sure as hell don't want him to examine me.

Carlisle's lips curl into a smile that reaches his blue eyes. I don't dare to smile back though...


	32. Chapter 32

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Surprise - This chapter will be from Alice's POV. I hope you'll enjoy and let me know if you'd like more of them.

Thank you for your interest in my work. Your encouraging feedback is highly appreciated

FAQ's

What do Bella and Alice do for a living?

Bella is working from home, she designs websites and Alice is still at College, hoping to become an Art teacher one day.

As always, feel free to ask questions should you have any

****32****

I can feel how she stiffens next to me and holds her breathe for a moment that seems unnaturally long.

Finally she seems to get her emotions under control and speaks up, her voice coming out too shrill, too nervous. Why is she so tensed?

"What are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too, Bri….Bella."

"Hi Carlisle." she whispers now and I notice that she's grabbing her handbag so tightly between her fingers that her knuckles have turned white.

He sighs, fisting his hand into the blonde curls of his hair. I'm almost a hundred percent sure that the color is not completely natural.

"Hi uncle Carlisle!" I greet him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He smells good, like peppermint candy and some aftershave. I haven't seen him since last Christmas and that has been six months now.

"Alice, what are you doing here with him…I mean with _her_."

Bella's face turns into a hard mask and I see that she's close to start crying. That he used the wrong pronoun is irritating her. Crap, I don't want her to feel bad. It was surely just a mistake from my uncle.

"Bella is my girlfriend."

"Your girlfriend? Well, good luck when try to explain that to your parents. I know how your mother is like. She has some hysterical tendencies."

"Whom I date or don't date is my business not theirs. I'm old enough to make that kind of decision on my own."

He suppresses something like a smirk before he gets his facial expression under control again.

"So, what did you bring her today?" he asks Bella, who is biting her lips nervously. I want to put that pretty little lip between my own just to keep it safe from damage.

Damn it, Alice. Try to get your thoughts under control.

"I want another doctor."

"Bella, I assure you that I'm perfectly capable of handling any kind of medical…problem you might be having."

"I know but still— I would prefer it to get another doctor. You're not the only one in this hospital, are you?"

"Alright, I'll send you Dr. Shannon than. Alice, will you come and wait with me in my office while your friend gets her examination?"

I feel tempted to tell him to go fuck himself. There is no way I'm going to leave Bella alone here but somehow I can't and so I just squeeze my girlfriend's hand encouragingly and follow him out of the room.

"She doesn't like you."

"I know, Alice and also that it is entirely my fault."

"Why?" I ask him curiously, when we enter his office. It is a small room crowded with boxes. On his desk there is a gold-framed picture of my aunt when she was about my age. She looks lovely, so happy and careless. It's hard to believe that this beautiful woman is the sister of my mother.

He points to the couch that is standing in the corner and shoves some magazines down from it so that I can sit down.

"Do you want to drink something? I have water and water."

"Difficult decision but I think I'll take some water."

While I take a few hesitant sips from the lukewarm drink, he clears his throat over and over again, before he eventually pulls a plastic chair over and sits down in front of me.

"How much do you know about Brian?"

"Bella, her name is Bella."

"I know that _she_ prefers to be called that now but I have trouble getting used to it. In a way I still think of her as a man."

"I don't."

"Have you seen a picture of Bella from before?"

"One from when she was a…little boy. She seemed unhappy in it."

He stands up again and fumbles around in a box until he finally finds what he's looking for.

"See, that one is from Edward's and Brian's High school graduation."

I don't want to see the picture because I'm somewhat scared on how looking at it will change the way I see Bella.

"Don't be afraid. It's just a picture."

Raising my head I blink at the photo. Edward has his arm wrapped around some other guy with short cropped brown hair. The young man who has the same chocolate-like eye color as my girlfriend looks miserable, like he doesn't want to be there.

"Put that away. I don't want to see this."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's okay. I'm just sad because Bella has to go through all of this crap. She doesn't deserve that."

"I know. I wished she would have let me help her when she had her coming out but she's stubborn, just like Renee."

"Renee?"

"Her mother,"

"Bella doesn't talk to her folks and I don't want to ask her about them because I feel like that would hurt her feelings."

"Her father has thrown her out of the house when she told them that she wanted to start living full time as a woman. I was there that night and actually I was scared shitless that Edward would tell me that the two of them had started dating. They were so thick together, inseparable."

"Bella and Edward are just friends. Friends are important."

And it's even more important to know, who is your friend and who's not. The next time this stupid cow Erica makes a move on my woman, I will tear her apart.

"They are friends, just friends. Well, the thing is that Renee started crying when the truth came out and I have problems seeing her so unhappy. That's why I suggested that Bella should consider some psychotherapy before starting taking hormones but she didn't want to hear any of that. Like I told you she's stubborn. She asked me to sign some papers so that she could get an estrogen supplement but I refused. I told her that it was not a good idea to rush into anything."

"She has waited for this her whole life, since she was five. I don't even want to imagine how it must be like to feel like a prisoner in your own body."


	33. Chapter 33

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Hugs and kisses to my lovely readers out there. Your love and support is everything to me.

There won't be any new updates until next Tuesday because I'll be gone to visit my family over the weekend. I shall miss writing for you.

****33****

I was utterly relieved when Bella told me that her attacker hadn't managed to cause any permanent damage on her. Everything was just pretty badly bruised but those injuries would heal quite soon. With the harm those shitheads had done to her poor soul it was different of course. But whatever is going on inside Bella, it's always so very difficult to tell.

She seems terribly tensed all the time and during the last days she even asked me several times if I was sure about wanting to be with her.

How can I not want to be with her? She's caring and warmhearted, making me feel like I'm the most precious person on earth to her.

I don't understand how she can doubt my feelings for her so very much. It makes me wonder if I'm not showing her my love enough. Bella means so much to me, probably more than I ever felt for another person before. I want to protect her to keep her safe and yet, to me it feels as if she's the one who's protecting me all the time.

I love this. I love how she makes me feel secure in her arms. I love how she's taller and stronger than me. It's something that is very appealing to me in a way.

With her arms hugging me tightly from behind, her face nuzzled against my shoulder I drift into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Somewhat in the middle of the night I feel something hard and stiff poking against my backside and for a moment I don't realize what it is.

"Alice…oh my Alice,"

Her tongue and lips caress the sensitive spot underneath my ear while her hardened dick presses deliciously against me.

"Bella, baby." I whisper, my voice trembling a bit from the sudden waves of lust that are floating through me. "Are you awake?"

She moans and that sound coming from her lips makes me grind my hips against the hardness behind me. This feels good, so very good.

"I want you. I want you so much."

With a swift movement she pulls down my panties and shoves them down my ankles. Then I feel her spreading my thighs apart, her breathe warm over the moist skin of my sex.

I whimper when she starts licking me, her tongue flickering fast around the sensitive pearl of my clit. She's so tender and I let myself go completely, giving into the sensations her caresses are causing in me.

When her tongue glides lower though and circles down to my ass I stiffen. This is so new. It shouldn't feel right for me to enjoy her touch down there and yet I can feel every single fiber in my body vibrating under this unusual caress.

"Take me." I whisper huskily. "Please, take me. I want you inside me now."

She groans and lifts my hip up, forcing me to get up on my knees. The tip of her length glides up and down my entrance as she coats herself in my wetness. I want her. I want all of her. I want to be hers completely, irrevocably. God, I love this woman so much it's almost painful.

Bella pushes inside me, slow and careful. It's deep this way, so deep and somehow she manages to reach some sensitive spot inside me that makes my inside quiver with desire.

"Ohhh,"

My moan makes her stop within a trust and her voice is trembling when she asks me worriedly if I'm okay.

Instead of answering her I bug my hips against hers and after a few moments she continues her movements. Faster and faster she starts thrusting into me, hitting that sweet spot in me again and again.

Her fingertips find my pulsing clit and the touch of her gentle fingers combined with her deep thrusts manages to push me over the edge.

I come hard, my inside clenching around her cock while my clit pulses against her fingers. I see flashes of light in front of my closed eyes and the intensity of my climax is so strong that I can't manage to keep myself up. Bella holds me around my hips with her free hand to steady me. I can hear her groan loudly against my neck as she pulls out of me and warm liquid trickles down my back.

Why doesn't she want to come inside me? Doesn't she like that?

She jumps from the bed and a few moments later she's back, rubbing me clean again with a soft wet towel.

"I'm sorry about that. I almost…well, we can't risk me coming inside you without a condom."

I turn around and kiss her lips, letting my tongue touch the inside of her warm mouth. She tastes sweet and I want to kiss her for the rest of my life.

"Don't be sorry. That was amazing. Well, at least that's how it felt like for me." I tell her, cuddling against her side while she wraps her arms around my middle.

"You think I didn't enjoy it just as much? Alice, I love sleeping with you. I probably shouldn't enjoy it as much as I do but when I'm inside of you, it's so…I don't even know. It's just so intense and feels so right, like we were always made to be together like that."

"When we both like it, how can it be wrong? I love you. All of you."

"I don't want people to be hard on you for being with someone like me."

"I'm with you. I don't care about other people. Please, stop worrying about them so much. They don't mean anything. You do."

She kisses my hair and sighs deeply.

"Sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I'm afraid you won't be there anymore in the morning."

"Bella, where would I go? I want to be with you." I tell her, resting my head against her chest where I can hear her heartbeat against my ear.

Here in her arms is where I feel safe. Here is where I have belonged all my life.


	34. Chapter 34

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your encouragement and support. Your interest in my little story here makes me happy.

From the comments some of you are leaving me, I know that I'm pushing a lot of people's tolerance boundaries pretty hard with this fic.

Each time someone calls Bella a guy it makes me feel awkward and sad somehow though.

Is Alice bi? No, she's not. She's in love with a woman because that's how she sees Bella no matter what is between her girlfriend's legs.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****34****

My hands are sweaty and I quickly wipe them on the fabric of my coat before Rosalie opens the door for us. Meeting people that I don't really know makes me nervous, so awkwardly nervous but she's so nice and warmhearted that I instantly feel better.

She guides me and Alice into the living room where the little one is sitting in front of the TV. Her eyes focused on the cartoon on the screen.

"Erin, I want you to say hi to Bella and Alice."

"Hi, Bella, Hi, Alice," She mumbles without moving her eyes away from the TV for a moment.

Rosalie sighs and switches the screen off what leads to Erin turning her head eventually to us.

"You are mean. I never get to watch TV."

"I bet your father lets you sit in front of the stupid thing for ages when you are at his place. Now, go and help Emmett in the kitchen before he manages to burn down the entire house."

"Your boyfriend cooks?" Alice asks Rosalie when Erin walks off to the kitchen with a frown on her face.

"Emmett cooks better than me to tell the truth. When I lived with my ex I never had to lift as much as one finger in the kitchen. We had a housekeeper."

"A housekeeper?"

"Yeah, they had a fucking housekeeper like all rich shitheads with too much money." Emmett tells us, when he enters the living room. He has something that is probably tomato sauce in his short cropped hair.

Rosalie notices it and a low giggling noise leaves her mouth.

"Are we ready to eat or has the entire Lasagna ended up on your head?"

He kisses her mouth while I try to compensate my nervousness by taking Alice's hand in both of mine. It's nice that she's here with me. Everything feels so much better when she's by my side.

"So, how long have the two of you been together?" I ask Rosalie when her boyfriend eventually manages it to stop eating her face.

"For real or officially?"

"Is there a difference?"

"In a way," she whispers, sounding suddenly a bit shy.

We sit down at the round table in the dining room and I take a sip from a deliciously tasting white wine. The alcohol in it helps me to relax a bit until I notice the eyes of the little one on me.

"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"

"Erin!"

Rosalie's face turns red with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry about that Bella. She's asking that everyone in the last time. I don't know what's wrong with her."

I nod my head and try to calm myself down by taking a deep breathe through my mouth, followed by another sip from my wine glass. Yes, sure. I bet the child was going to ask Alice the very same question.

Fuck my life.

"The Lasagna is good." Alice whispers and I'm glad that she's trying to change the subject of our conversation.

"My Daddy hates Lasagna." Erin tells us. "He always makes me eat some yucky Tofu crap."

"Sweetie, I don't want you to say crap."

"But the kid is right. Tofu is crap and your ex is just a Vegetarian because he's scared to kick the bucket too early just like his father."

"Is Daddy going to die?"

"No, of course not, sweetie, don't worry about that. Emmett, I told you not to make that kind of comments when Erin can hear you."

He smirks and pretends to lock his mouth with an invisible key that he throws over his broad shoulder.

"So, you are training Jake and Leon?" I ask him, burning my tongue a bit on the hot Lasagna. Damn it, that hurts.

"I'm trying to turn these pussies into men. Well, as far as I'm capable of that. I mean, even with all the muscle build-up they are still lacking what makes a guy a guy."

"Not many Female to Male transgender consider getting a bottom surgery. Ben had one but I think that had mostly to do with him wanting to get married to Angela so very much and that wouldn't have been possible without the surgery."

"But that's so unfair. I think everyone should be allowed to marry the person he or she loves, no matter the sex."

"I didn't know my beautiful girlfriend was such a passionate supporter of gay marriage. Are you a closed dyke yourself?"

"Yes, of course. I'm only with you until I find Mrs. Right, didn't you know that?"

"Mommy, what's a dyke?"

"I explain that to you when you are older."

"But I want to know now. I can call Dad and ask him if you don't want to tell me."

"Great idea if she wants to give that prude a heart attack."

"Emmett, please stop making comments like that all the time. I know that you can't stand Royce for fucks sake."

"Mommy said fuck."

"Yeah, she did. Don't we love it when she stops talking like a fine lady?"

Erin high-fives Emmett and cheers joyfully before she turns her attention back to the food on her plate.

"Ben is in your self-support group, isn't he?"

"Yes, that's right. Actually he runs the entire thing and keeps the boys in check. Leon and Jake have some pretty aggressive tendencies."

"Good to know. I should let them do some kick boxing against each other. That would help them to burn off some steam."

"I think that Jake is on some illegal steroids. No one can bulk up like that without that kind of stuff."

"Whatever he's taking, he's not getting that inside my club. I'm not supportive of any anabolic steroids. That shit makes your nuts shrink…not that the boys have that kind of problem but still—"

"But it's still unhealthy. I know." I murmur, gulping down the rest of my wine. His side notes about Jake and Leon's none existing dicks make me feel awkward and I pray to the heavens above that he's not going to ask me anything about mine…


	35. Chapter 35

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all the encouraging reviews. Your feedback means a lot to me.

FAQ's

Are Charlie and Alice's parents going to show up soon?

They will make an appearance in the story but it will take a while until we meet them.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****35****

I feel as if everybody is staring at me while I walk through the aisles in the drugstore. My hands are trembling when I reach for the package of Trojans to stuff it quickly underneath the other items in my shopping basket. Someone chuckles behind me and when I turn around I accidentally drop an entire shelf with tampons and sanitary pads to the ground.

Crap…

"Doing some shopping, Miss Swan?"

"Just piss off, Jake and mind your own business." I snarl at him while I try to lift everything up as soon I can. One package of the tampons lands in my basket. Alice can use them when she gets her period and I love buying these kinds of things. It makes me feel feminine somehow.

What I don't enjoy buying are condoms but unfortunately the little latex fuckers are inevitable if Alice and I are going to continue having sex.

Making love to her is so incredible and although there is still this voice in my head that tells me how sick it is what I'm doing, I still don't want to stop with it. I like sex. Well, I like that it's with her and I enjoy caressing every inch of her gorgeous curves so much. She's the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.

"I didn't mean to startle you." Jake murmurs in a deep voice before he kneels down to helps me to pick up the rest of the tampon packages from the linoleum floor.

"I hated using those things. My period is not exactly my most favorite memory."

"I know. You are lucky that your testo injections are working so well."

"The blockers don't seem to do that much for you or otherwise you wouldn't be needing these here." He says, pulling the condoms out of my basket.

My cheeks flame and I hope that my makeup will be able to cover my blush at least a tiny bit. God, this is such an embarrassing situation.

"Please, don't tell any of the others."

"Why are you so ashamed? It's your choice whether you want to have sex before your surgery or not."

"Who wants to have sex?" A nasal voice asks in an overly sweet tone. I don't know what the hell Erica is doing here. She doesn't even live anywhere near here.

"None of your business, Erica," Jake tells her cheerfully before he walks off to the cash register with my Trojans in his hand.

"Why the hell does he need condoms?" Erica asks me, placing a freshly manicured hand on my forearm.

"I don't know." I whisper, taking a step backwards to pick up my shopping basket.

"Tampons?"

"They are for Alice."

"Are you her serf now or something like that? Can't she be a little bit more thoughtful? She should know that it makes you feel sad to buy sanitary products that you can never use yourself."

"Alice is more accepting of my trans-sexuality than anyone else I've met."

"She's just curious about the exotic. Think of Vicky and the kind of movies she's doing."

"Don't you, dare to compare me to that horrible person! I don't like the way you are talking about my girlfriend. It's rude and I don't understand why you're acting like that."

"I want to protect you from getting hurt. I'm your friend."

"Is that the only reason?"

"Yeah, sure, sweetie, what other reason would I have? Oh by the way, I'm so very sorry about what happened in this awful club. I was scared."

"I was scared too. Did you know the girls who attacked me?"

"Well, I know the blonde one. Dr. Volturi has a picture of her on the desk in his office. She's his daughter."

"Dr. Volturi's daughter?"

"Yes, exactly, sweetheart; the authorities in New York charged him for several cases of malpractice and so they had to move here to Seattle to start over new."

"How do you know so much about this?"

"Leon and I are on this online forum where people exchange opinions about surgeons."

"Oh I see."

"I could show it to you. You'll need a good surgeon once you eventually get your bottom surgery and I was very content with mine."

We pay and walk out of the drugstore. Erica wraps her arm around my shoulder and starts fumbling around on my hair.

"You are nervous about the surgery. That's normal. I know how it's like. If you need to talk about things, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you."

"Thank you. I just don't feel like I'm ready for this step. It's such a huge decision."

"You were pretty sure about getting rid of your dick until you met this Alice."

"It has nothing to do with her. This is just about me and what I want to do with my body. Yes, I would love it if I could just wake up tomorrow and have a vagina between my legs instead of that thing down there but you and I know that it's not as easy as that."

She plants a kiss on my forehead and pets my arm before she walks off to the bus station.

When I make it back to my car the package of Trojans is stuffed under my windshield wiper. There is a small note attached to it and I read through it while I start the engine.

_B,_

_You deserve to be happy. Don't let anyone tell you different. Your girlfriend is good for you. It's so random to find someone who is able to love a transgender person. You are lucky to have your Alice._

_Guess I see you around._

_J._

_PS: Your car is ready for the junk press. Let me know if you need help finding a new one. You know I'm good with vehicles._

I nod my head and smile at myself in the review mirror while I drive back home. Somehow, I can't wait to use the new condoms with Alice.


	36. Chapter 36

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome back to a brand new update for It Won't Rain. I hope you'll enjoy and to those of you living in the States – Happy fourth of July!

FAQ's

Were Jake and Bella friends before the group?

Yes, they were. Their dads Billy and Charlie are old fishing buddies. We get to know more about what Billy thinks about his daughter trying to become his son in the next group meeting.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****36****

Her eyes are red and swollen from crying when I find her curled up on the couch.

"Hey, beautiful girl," I whisper when I sit down next to her and pull her tightly against my chest. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I just had a pretty unpleasant conversation with my mother. She thinks that I'm wasting my time with painting instead of focusing on getting my stupid teaching degree."

"Do you want to become a teacher for you or for your parents?"

"I don't know yet. I like teaching. I mean I'm good at explaining stuff to people but I don't really see myself at a school. That's so boring to me."

"You could do something else if you wanted to."

"My parents would freak if I dropped out of College."

"I didn't say anything about quitting College, just that you may be able to use your skills in other ways than as a teacher. You are talented."

"No, I'm not. My art professor says I'm putting too much emotional waste in my paintings."

"Your professor knows shit."

I lean forward and blow a tender kiss on her eyelids before I press my lips against the crook of her neck.

"I don't like it when something makes you cry, baby."

Suddenly she stiffens and inhales deeply through her nose for several times before she speaks up again.

"You smell like Erica's disgusting five dollar perfume. Can you explain that to me?"

"I met her in the drugstore. She hugged me."

"So, and you let her? Why? I don't like that woman touching you!"

"Are you jealous now?"

"I'm not jealous of Erica. I'm never jealous. Jealousy is for stupid people without any self-esteem."

Yes, sure.

I cup Alice's face between my hands and caress her cheekbones with my fingertips before circling them gently over her lower lip.

"You don't have to be jealous. I love you and not her."

"I. Am. Not. Jealous."

"If you say so, Alice,"

"I just hate this horrible person. She's trying to get lucky with you and is using your friendship with her to achieve her goal."

"She's just a friend. She'll never be more to me than a good friend and she knows that."

Well, at least I hope she does.

"A friend doesn't leave her odor mark on you. I bet her fucking hands were all over you. All over you!"

She tries to stand up but I wrap my arms around her waist to keep her where she is. I don't like that she's mad at me now. It's not like I cheated on her with Erica.

"Let me go."

"I will if you calm down. I don't like Erica the way I like you. I would never want to be with her. I love you. You and no other."

I loosen the grip around her waist and kiss her mouth. My tongue toys against hers while her push her back on the couch until she's flat underneath me.

"You're the only one I want to be with." I whisper fumbling the buttons of her blouse open with one hand. She whimpers when I lower my head to move my tongue over the exposed skin of her cleavage.

"I love the way your skin tastes like." I tell her, suckling the soft flesh between my teeth. Her dainty hand fists into my hair and I shove the cups of her bra down so that I can roll my fingertips over the sensitive peaks of her breasts.

"Why would I want to be with anyone else when I have such beauty waiting for me back home?"

"I'm not jealous. I just don't want to lose you to this stupid cow."

"Let's not talk about Erica now. I love you and I don't want us to fight because of her."

She nods her head and while our lips find each other in a new kiss I rub my crotch against her hips. I'm already painfully hard and the friction the rubbing is causing sends shivers of pleasure throughout my body.

I shove her jeans and panties down her slim thighs before I part her legs to caress her slick folds with gentle fingers. She's so wet and I can't wait to glide inside her tight warmth.

"Stay right here." I whisper, standing up from the couch to grab the package of the condoms. I blush when I see Alice watching me curiously while I roll one of the latex covers down my length.

"I'm sorry about those things. I know it's awkward."

"It's okay. I don't mind. Come to me. I'm getting lonely here."

I smile against her lips before I kiss her again. Her body is warm against mine when I pull her on my lap.

Alice sinks down on my cock and starts rocking back and forth. I start massaging her breasts and close my eyes to enjoy the sensations that are spreading though me. It feels so good, so very good to be so close to her.

When she comes her inner walls clench around me over and over again, triggering my own climax.

"You have to move from me, baby." I whisper breathlessly into her ear when I manage to get a bit of my self-control back again.

"Why? I want you to stay inside me. I love having you in me."

"We need to get rid of the condom."

"Oh, I see."

I toss the used Trojan into the trash underneath the bathroom sink and before I return to Alice in the living room I get a bottle of wine from the fridge and two glasses.

"I don't like when you leave me alone after we made love."

I don't like you being jealous for nothing I think when I cuddle against her from behind.

"That's inevitable with the little fuckers. I don't want to risk anything."

"I don't have any weird STD's. Lauren was a bitch but I'm pretty sure she didn't cheat on me and she's the only one I've been with in forever apart from you."


	37. Chapter 37

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] *Throws confetti into the air* I can't believe I've managed to reach over 500 Reviews with my little story here. Your encouragement rocks my little fan-fic author's heart.

FAQ's

Will Erica find another love interest?

Maybe yes…maybe no – to be honest, I enjoy writing a story where someone else is the bad guy instead of good old Eddie.

****37****

I hate Whitlock. I never actually liked him but right now I'm sure that my negative feelings towards him go deeper. This man seems to have some sickish joy in digging around in old wounds. What the hell is the sense in talking about my childhood? It was crappy but it's over and I'd like to forget all about it. I can't wait for the day to come when I can burn my fucking birth certificate but as long as I don't get my bottom surgery that's wishful thinking.

"How does it make you feel to look at yourself as a child?"

"I don't know."

He smirks and takes the pictures from me to place them back to the others on the table between us.

"You don't know or you don't want to talk about it?"

"I don't know what use there is in talking about the past. It makes me miserable when we have to talk about _him_ over and over again. I hate _him_."

"No third person. He is you. Brian will always be a part of your life and you need to accept that, Bella."

"Leave me the fuck alone."

"I will, in exactly fourteen minutes. You seem a bit tensed today. Is something bothering you?"

Yes, you and your stupid questions about Brian. What do you want to hear from me? How I tried to cut off my dick with nail scissors? How I secretly stole one of Renee's bras to wear it underneath my clothes? How my father told me that he wished I was dead because that would still be better than having such a perverted son like me.

Maybe he was right.

"Bella, you need to tell me what is going on inside that head of yours. I'm here to help you, even if it doesn't seem like that to you."

"Kay,"

"Why don't you want to talk about your childhood?"

"It's unnecessary and painful."

"Painful probably but I don't think it's unnecessary. Have you tried to contact your parents again?"

"What for? They hate me. I talk to Edward's mom Esme. She'd let me know if something had happened to Charlie and Renee."

"You and Edward have been friends for quite a while now, haven't you?"

"His parents and mine are neighbors. But the reason we are friends is because he never saw me as a boy. He even helped me to choose my new name when I was a kid."

"Interesting and were the two of you ever in a romantic relationship with each other?"

"I don't like guys."

"Oh right. You have a girlfriend now, the little dark-haired one who was here to pick you up last time. She's very pretty."

And she's mine.

"Alice is amazing. I'm happy to have her in my life."

"How does she feel about you being transgender?"

"She's very accepting; more probably than I deserve her to be. I'm worried about people who are going to give her a hard time for being with someone like me."

"Does she know?"

"Does she know what?"

"That you are concerned about her getting hurt because of you."

"Alice says she doesn't care about what people say but I don't buy that."

He smirks again and looks down at the watch on his wrist before he clears his throat.

"You're lucky. Your time is up now, Bella. I see you next week."

Outside his office Alice is standing at the counter and is talking cheerfully to his secretary.

"It was nice talking to you." she tells Maria before she turns around to wrap me into a tight hug.

"She's going to buy one of my paintings. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Yes, it is. Which one are you selling to her?"

"The one with the gerbera flowers in it. How was your therapy session?"

"Exhausting," I murmur between my teeth.

Alice frowns and when she speaks up again her sweet voice sounds unusually strict.

"Dr. Whitlock, I don't like you being so hard on her. She's such a sensitive person."

"My apologies, Ma'am but I'm just doing my job."

"I bet there are some much nicer therapists here in Seattle."

"That depends how you define the word nice."

"Is that everything you have to say to your defense?"

"I don't have to justify my methods to my patients' friends. Bella is stronger than she knows."

I pull Alice with me because I'm afraid she and he are going to continue arguing with each other.

"Good bye, Bella. I see you next week."

"Miss Brandon."

He takes her hand and lifts it to his lips to blow a kiss over her knuckles.

What the fuck…

"Your girlfriend is in good hands with me."

Her girlfriend will not bring her here again, so that you can drool over her like the sleaze ball you are.

I try to suppress the awkward feeling of jealousy that spreads through me while we take the elevator downwards. Alice is with me. She doesn't even like men. I have no reason to feel threatened by Whitlock.

"You seem sad. Maybe you should consider getting another therapist."

"Erica knows someone whom she recommended to me."

"Fine, then you are going to continue seeing Whitlock. I don't want you to discuss anything personal with someone who is seeing that woman as well."

"Please, stop being jealous all the time. Erica is my friend."

"Why are you always defending her? It's like you are putting her above me."

"That's not true. I love you. Erica is just a friend. She has helped me so much with makeup and the hormone therapy after I joined the group."

"Yeah, wonderful Erica is so very helpful. I still can't stand that woman for crying out loud."

I sigh deeply and wrap my arms around Alice's neck to pull her close to me.

"I love you. You don't have to worry about Erica having some kind of romantic interest in me. My heart belongs to you and I want it to stay that way."


	38. Chapter 38

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who read and review. I'm always looking forward to read your nice comments. They make me smile.

FAQ's

Is Jasper going to make a move on Alice?

Not sure yet, but I'm sure he's aware that she's a very attractive woman.

Is Erica gay or straight?

She's bisexual

As always feel free to ask me questions, should you have any

****38****

There are topics that are so terribly unpleasant for me to talk about that I try avoiding them at all costs.

This here is definitely one of them. I swallow back a wave of embarrassment when Alice takes a closer look at one of the foil-wrapped Trojans.

"I don't like those very much. They smell yucky and I don't think it's very romantic how you always rush off to the bathroom the minute you're finished."

I pull her on my lap and nuzzle my face against her damp hair while I wonder how I should start the upcoming conversation with her.

"I know, but unfortunately they are inevitable. I don't want to risk anything."

It was so wrong to do it without a condom at all. If something happened, if she—no I better not think about it. That would be fatal.

"Don't you believe me that I'm clean?"

"It's not because of that and of course I believe you. Why would you lie to me?"

She raises her head and when her lips touch against mine, I enjoy the amazing warmth that radiates through my heart. Is this how it feels like to be truly happy? I love Alice and I'm planning on doing everything that's within my power to make her dreams come true. Painting is what she wants to do and her parents are stupid for holding her back.

"Are you scared I could get pregnant?"

There it is. The topic I've been trying to avoid with her. God, damn it, this is going to be so awkward.

"Bella?"

"Yes." I whisper hoarsely after a few moments. "Yes, I'm scared about that."

"Because it would be too soon for us to have a baby now. Right?"

I sigh and take a deep breath before I speak up, desperate to keep my voice calm although I'm very agitated deep inside me.

"I don't want to have kids of my own. Not now and not in the future. I can't do that to a child to have to deal with a freak like me for a parent."

"You're not a freak. Stop talking so low of yourself. I can't stand that."

"Alice, I can't put a child through being bullied for having a father who would prefer being a mother. That's just too much. I 'd rather die."

She nods her head and stands up from my lap. Her eyes look glassy now and I cringe when she rushes off to the bathroom and slams the door behind her.

Crap, now I've offended her.

"Alice, baby, please don't be mad at me now." I tell her through the closed door before I sit down on the cold floor in front of it.

When she opens the door again, Alice almost drops over me.

"Please, don't be angry at me. It doesn't mean I love you less that I don't want kids."

"But I do want kids. Not now of course but in a few years, I want some. I always wanted to be a Mom."

She sits down next to me and takes my hand in hers, caressing it tenderly by planting kisses on each of my fingertips.

"Maybe you'll change your mind. We have time."

I bite my tongue to keep me from spilling the whole awful truth to her. Time won't make a shitty difference to me. People like me shouldn't have kids. Leon's ex managed to get custody for both of his sons and she rarely gets to see them at all now. You can't explain something as strange and complicated as transsexuality to a child.

"I really do want kids. It's important to me."

"Kay," I mumble, unable to bring out more words. Maybe I can convince her on how wrong it would be to put a child into this mess that is my life. The question is whether my love for her will be enough. I don't want her to miss out anything just because I'm the way I am. She deserves better than me, so much better.

"Fine," Alice whispers, leaning her head against my chest. I wrap my arms around her and pull her as close to me as I can.

I don't want to be without her. I can't be without her. She's everything to me.

"I still don't like the condoms. Would you want me to go on the pill or something like that?"

"You'd do that?"

"Sure, why not. It's not for forever. Right?"

I don't know whether she's referring to the kids topic again or to my bottom surgery. I'm still not sure about the surgery and Erica is right that it has mostly to do with Alice. I like the sex with her the way it is and no one can guarantee me how things will be like once I get my vaginoplasty. I already had so many surgeries since I started by transition and somehow, although my final goal is not finished I feel exhausted.

I wished I could just wake up and be normal. Just for one day to know how that is like. Our relationship could be so much less complicated if I had been born in the right body.

"You'll come with me when I go to see the gynecologist? It's not like I'm looking forward to have some freaky doctor peak into me."

"If you want me to, I'll come with you. I'm sorry that we have to deal with this contraception crap. If I were a normal woman—"

"Bella, there is no use in talking about this _if_ all the time. I told you that I'm okay with you being transgender. You need to start believing me."

I kiss her lips and when my tongue touches hers in the wet heat of her mouth I can hear her moan into my mouth.

She pulls back and takes my face between her hands, stroking down my jaw with her dainty fingertips.

"I love you. I want us to have a future together and this baby thing, well to me that's part of it."


	39. Chapter 39

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Hugs to those of you who keep supporting my little story here with your reviews, I appreciate your interest in my work a lot.

FAQ's

Would Bella consider saving sperm before getting her bottom surgery?

Probably not… well at least not now, but maybe Alice will change her opinion on the whole baby question before it is too late.

****39****

„I know Jake is seeing someone." Erica tells the rest of the group while she continues sipping on the caramel latte between her carefully manicured fingers. She is someone who loves to gossip. To her that is something utterly female.

"How do you know?" Vicky asks her with a curious grin on her freckle covered face. Without the usual make-up on she looks about five years younger and a lot less intimidating.

"I saw him buying some condoms at the drugstore."

"Mind your own business. I'd like to keep my love life private."

"Who would want to love you?" Leon snarls bitterly. "Who would love any of us freaks?"

"Give it a rest, Leon. I know you're frustrated about the whole custody thing with Sam but—"

"Jake, I told you that I don't want to fucking talk about Sam and the boys. It doesn't matter anything. I don't give a shit."

"If you don't care why did I see your car parked behind Sam's house when I went to visit my Dad on Sunday?"

"This is a free country and I can go where it pleases me."

"You're one stupid bitch. If you want to see your kids, no one can keep you from that. Get your ass up. Get a lawyer and fight for your rights."

"Leave me the fuck alone, Jake! You know nothing about how things are like for me."

"Yeah, sure, sure, if you say so, Leon. Oh by the way, my father told me he's going to speak to yours about you. You know that he's very supportive of everything."

"Your father is just glad that as a Chief he has a son now to follow his lead. What for would he need to talk to mine now? Henry thinks I'm a monster."

"You still might want to talk to him again before he kicks the bucket. His heart is not doing very well in the last time."

I swallow hard and try not to think about Renee and Charlie. Yes, I do hate them for being so awful about me being transgender but I still miss them. They are the only family I know. I wished they could accept me. I wished so many things could be different…

My cell starts beeping with a new text and when I pull it out to read Alice's new message, Erica frowns.

"Can't your stupid girlfriend leave you alone for two hours?"

"I already told you that I don't like the way you're talking about Alice."

"Oh Bella, she's just jealous because she'd love to be in the little dark-haired's place. Don't you, Erica?" Vicky says in an overly sweet tone.

Erica's face turn into a bright crimson color and everyone apart me and her starts chuckling.

"No," she whispers and leans down to pretend to search for something in her handbag.

"That's good because I think that Bella is pretty serious with this Alice chick. She looks way happier since the two of them got together." Jake tells Erica with a grin all over his face. It is mean somehow that he's trying to provoke her with this.

"Erica and I are just friends. Stop teasing her. It's not fair."

"I thought this group was all about being open and honest with each other." Vicky stats, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"I am being honest, always." Erica mumbles nervously, her voice thick with tears.

"So, you don't have any kind of romantic or whatsoever interest in Bella."

"Fuck off, Vicky! You know nothing. I'm done with this shitty group now!"

With that she rushes out of the room. Vicky giggles and I feel like punching her on her stupid snub nose for reacting like that. It's so inappropriate. Doesn't this woman have a heart at all?

"I should go and see if she's okay."

"If you want to give her false hope, feel free to. But let me tell you something, Swan; friendship is a load of crap if one of the friends wants more."

"Jake, you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut. I'm going to check on Erica now, because that is what friends do."

I grab my jacket and walk out the brick stone building where our group meeting is held. It was probably a bad idea to hold a meeting while Ben is still gone. He knows how to keep everyone calm and respectful, at least to a certain point.

"Hey there," I whisper, kneeling down in front of Erica who is sitting on a bench underneath a tree. Her mascara is smeared all over her face and I pull out a tissue to wipe it away.

"I'm so sorry."

"I didn't want you to know. I never wanted you to know. Vicky is so mean, so mean. Everyone is always picking on me."

"Why didn't you tell me you're in love with me?"

"I don't know. It's complicated because you're hanging around with this Alice now. But she's not right for you. She doesn't understand what you're going through. What we both have been through. Oh Bella—"

I hug her because I have trouble seeing people cry and I feel bad for Erica. It must be horrible for her because I know how difficult it is for people like us to find love. The fact that she has fallen in love with me now makes me feel guilty somehow, guilty because I know her love for me is so hopeless.

She sighs and then, before I can manage to turn my head to the side, she kisses me directly on my lips. I taste bubblegum and tears when her tongue glides into my mouth. Her kiss is hard and greedy, knocking the breath out of me until I manage to shove her off of me after a few moments.

"What the hell was that?"

"You kissed me back. You kissed me back. I know you'd do that."

"I. Did. Not. Kiss. You. Back." I tell her, emphasizing every word overly dramatic.

"Oh Bella, please, don't be shy about it now."


	40. Chapter 40

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Welcome to a brand new double update. Don't make me regret posting twice on one day.

Thanks to those of you who make me feel loved and cherished as a writer. You guys rock my little fanfic-author heart so much.

The chapter down there is from Alice's POV…

****40****

It's just four days, I keep telling myself over and over again while I apply my make-up in front of the bathroom mirror.

It's just four days, Alice.

My eyes catch the package of tampons in the bathroom cabinet and I rip it open to stuff two of them into the pockets of my jeans.

It's just four days. No reason to worry.

The problem is that my period has never been late before and that is not something that I consider a good sign.

It's just four days.

I try to put on a happy face when I walk down the stairs to the kitchen. Bella has prepared a deliciously smelling breakfast for the two of us but I can't manage to eat now. I'm just so tensed.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"No," I whisper, taking a small sip from the cup of black coffee in front of me. It tastes awfully bitter and I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

"How was your group meeting yesterday? You didn't tell me anything when you came home last night."

"The usual." she mumbles, turning around to put some dirty plates and cups into the dishwasher.

"Are you sure that you don't want to eat anything? I made pancakes for you."

"I'm not hungry. I have cramps."

"Oh, I see."

She kneels down on the floor in front of my chair and places one of her warm hands on my lower abdomen to rub it carefully.

"I'm sorry,"

Her voice doesn't sound sorry to me, more like incredibly relieved. She's glad that I got my period. Crap, what am I going to do now?

"Do you want some Advil?"

I shake my head and stand up from my chair, feeling my knees starting to quiver underneath me.

"No, thank you."

"Alice, sweetie, you look pale. Are you sure that everything is okay?"

"Yes, yes, yes. God, damn it! Leave me alone."

I start crying and when Bella pulls me against her chest I cry even more. I can't tell her that my period is late. It would sure as hell make her freak.

"I hate to see you cry."

"Must be the hormones," I tell her, wiping my running nose on the back of my hand. It was a good idea to use the waterproof mascara this morning.

"Why don't you go back to bed? I'll make some tea for you and then we can cuddle until Jake shows up to take me to that car dealer."

"I need to buy some stuff…for my paintings." I tell her, starring down at my feet. I hate lying to Bella but I don't want to worry her.

It's enough that I'm scared shitless. I am not ready for a child and the fact that Bella doesn't seem very fond of the idea makes everything ten times worse.

Just four days, Alice. It's just four days. Four days are nothing.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I rather go on my own. I'm in a crappy mood and I don't want to leash it out on you."

"Hey, I always love you, no matter if you're bitchy or not. I know that's just the hormones making you feel like that."

"Yes, sure, I see you later, honey."

I plant a quick kiss on her cheek and when I'm inside my car I can barely manage to start the engine with my shaking hand. I can't be pregnant. I just can't. It's too soon.

When I find myself in front of the nearest drugstore, I take a deep breath and step out of the car.

I put some chips and other candy stuff in my shopping basket before I dare to walk to the aisle where they store the pregnancy tests.

There are about twenty different kinds of them and while I read through the instruction on the backside of one of them, I smell a wave of disgustingly sweetly perfume.

"I hope that's just for a friend." Erica snarls at me when I drop the test into my shopping basket.

"Yes, it is. I'm just doing a friend a favor by buying it for her. Not that you are too familiar with the term friend."

"Oh, I guess that means Bella has told you about our kiss."

The blood freezes in my veins and I drop the basket down to the ground. This can't be true. It just can't. Bella would never do that to me. Right?

"What kiss?" I croak out, fighting the urge to run my fingernails down Erica's grinning face. In my entire life I have never felt so much hatred towards a single person.

"Ups, so shy didn't tell you. Well, I guess she was worried you wouldn't take it too good."

"Take what too good?"

"We kissed. Last night after our group meeting; it was so hot."

"You're lying. I don't believe a word you say."

I turn around and try very hard not to cry in front of the blonde girl at the counter. She smiles warmly at me when she sees the test and when she speaks up her voice sounds almost unendurable cheerful to me.

"Your first one?"

"It's for a friend."

"Great, just tell your friends that you don't need morning urine for it. That brand works fine around the clock and has a 98 % security guarantee."

"Wonderful." I whisper in a dead tone. "Thanks and have a good day."

Unlike me, I add bitterly in my head. I don't know how to handle this horrible situation and because I have a tendency to be prone to tears I sit down in the small coffee shop that is located across the drugstore to have a good cry.

My life is fucked up. I could be pregnant by my transgender girlfriend who has most likely cheated on me with this horrible Erica. I'm scared and while I sob a desperate feeling of panic spreads through me.

"Miss Brandon, are you hurt?" a deep voice asks me worriedly and when I raise my head to blink into Dr. Whitlock's face, I can't help myself but wrap my arms around his neck as if he's some sort of life vest.


	41. Chapter 41

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Wow – I'm beyond thrilled by the incredible amount of feedback I received for the last chapter. You guys rock. I love you for taking the time to read and review my little story here.

FAQ's

Did Jake already have his bottom surgery?

No, he didn't. So far he has just had the mastectomy and of course he's on hormone therapy as well.

The chapter down there is from Alice's POV and I feel that it would be so much better if German girl here knew how to write a Southern accent…

Anyway, I hope you enjoy and please feel free to ask me questions should you have any. If they don't give away too much of the plot, I'll be happy to answer them.

****41****

He smells like sandalwood and aftershave when I lean my head against his shoulder and somehow that scent reminds me of something familiar that I can't put a name to.

My father maybe? Did he used to smell like that? I can barely remember him at all, only what Mom has told be about him.

"Miss Brandon, please tell me if you're hurt. Do you need a doctor?"

I sob and cry in a way that is completely not acceptable in the presence of a stranger but my nerves are not strong enough to compose myself.

"Alice, are you hurt?" he asks again, stroking his hand very lightly up and down my back.

"I'm fine. Everything is fucking fine, apart from the fact that my crappy life is fucked up."

"Such ugly words from such a pretty mouth." he mumbles when I eventually manage to pull back from the embrace.

How could I hug him? That was so incredibly embarrassing.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "I shouldn't have molested you with my emotional outburst."

He smirks and licks his lips before he leans forward and brushes a bit of smeared eye-makeup from my cheeks.

"It's alright. I don't mind being your shoulder to cry on. Maybe you should wash your face though. Your mascara has obviously lost the fight against your tears."

I nod my head in silence. He probably thinks I'm some sort of hysterical cry baby now. Not that it matters one tiny bit what he thinks about me.

"I'm really sorry, Dr. Whitlock. Can we pretend you didn't see me here?"

"We could, if that would make you feel better."

"It would, Dr. Whitlock."

"Please, call me Jasper. Dr. Whitlock makes me feel like I'm an old man."

"Jasper," I whisper so low I'm not sure he can hear me speak at all.

"I can't see a beautiful girl from the South cry. It breaks my heart."

"I'm sorry. I should just leave and go home. No, I don't want to go home to her. Oh crap!"

I start crying again and rush off to the bathroom to splash some water into my face. When I blink into the broken mirror above the sink I shrug back because I look so horrible.

I manage to get most of the smeared make-up from my cheeks and brush my hair to pull it into a knot before I rinse out my mouth and walk out again.

Dr. Whitlock, Jasper is still there, in front of him two cups of coffee and a piece of chocolate pie.

"I thought you could need something sweet to help calm your nerves a bit."

"Thank you," I whisper, suddenly realizing how famished I am after skipping breakfast this morning.

"You're welcome. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I don't have enough money to pay a shrink, so I assume you wouldn't care too much for listening to my problems."

"As a gentleman, I make an exception for you. Now tell me what made you so upset."

I stuff a bit of the cake between my lips. It's sweet and delicious, best cake I had in a long time and I usually don't care too much for that sort of food.

"Will you tell Bella?"

"No, I won't. Did the two of you have a fight or something?"

No," But we will once I get home and confront her about the kiss with this disgusting, horrible—

"Alice, you need to talk to me verbally. I'm not a mind reader."

"She cheated on me. How could she do that? She said she loves me."

He takes a sip from his coffee and when he speaks up again the accent in voice is thick and smooth like honey.

"Unfortunately, love doesn't keep people from doing stupid things, Darlin'."

"I just knew that this whore had…designs on her but Bella told me they were just friends; just friends what a load of crap."

"Maybe it didn't mean anything serious."

"A kiss is always serious. A kiss always means something." I tell him angrily while I continue eating the rest of the cake.

"So, does it?" he whispers huskily. "If I kissed you now that would also mean something?"

If you'd kiss me now, I'd bite of your tongue off, Whitlock.

"No, it wouldn't mean something."

"Why are you assuming that it meant something to your girlfriend then?"

"Erica, the girl she kissed told me that it was hot."

"And I assume that this Erica is somewhat interest in Bella."

"She's in love with her and she thinks that she'd be so much better for Bella than me."

"Why?"

"Because Erica is, she is...well, she's transgender like Bella, post-op though."

"That doesn't mean they are a good match."

I grant Jasper a smile and somehow he seems to see that as an invitation to place his hand on mine for a moment. Immediately I pull back.

"Please, don't touch me."

"Of course, if you prefer it that way."

"I do. Now back to Bella and the fact that she lied to me about the kiss with this Erica bitch."

"She lied to you, how so?"

"Well, technically she didn't lie, just didn't tell me about it. But to me that's basically the same."

"I see. Why do you think she didn't tell you?" he asks me, running his fingertip over the edge of his coffee cup.

I shrug my shoulders and sigh deeply before I answer him in a lifeless voice.

"I don't know. Maybe she was worried about my reaction. Maybe she didn't want to hurt me."

"I'm sure that she didn't want to hurt you. I know that Bella cares for you a great deal. You're her first attempt at a romantic relationship since she had her coming out and I assume that makes everything very new and difficult for her."

I swallow hard and try not to think about how difficult things between me and her are going to be should I actually turn out to be pregnant.


	42. Chapter 42

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who take the time to read and review. Your support for my little story here means so much to me.

FAQ's

Is it a bad thing that I want Alice to be pregnant?

No, it's not. Honestly, girls, I'm already worried so much about that subject because I feel that no matter what is going to happen, some of you will be disappointed and mad at me in the end.

As always, feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

****42****

My eyes flicker once again to the clock at the kitchen wall, the tenth time in the last five minutes.

Why is she taking so long to buy some paint? I hope that nothing happened to her. Maybe I should have gone with her. She didn't feel well this morning, my poor Alice.

"Bella, did you hear anything of the stuff I just told you?" Edward asks me, slurping his milkshake through a straw.

"I'm worried about Alice."

"You should be. When Alice finds out about the kiss, she's going to make a scene."

I swallow hard and try to keep myself from crying. What if she's going to break up with me? I can't lose Alice. She means so much to me.

"Why didn't you tell her right away? I think that honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship."

"But the kiss didn't mean anything. I don't like Erica. Well, I don't like her like that."

"All the more reason to tell my cousin what happened with Erica. It's way better when she hears it from you instead of from someone else."

I nod my head and sigh deeply when I hear the key turning around in the lock.

"Alice?"

"I'm home,"

Her voice sounds husky, like she's been crying a long time. She walks into the kitchen and I see that her eyes are red and puffy.

"Sweetie, what's wrong with you? Do you still have cramps?"

"Just tired," she whispers. "I'm going to lay down a bit. Oh, hi Edward."

"Hello Alice." he says, waving his hand at her.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder but she takes a step backwards to lean against the fridge behind her.

"My parents asked if you wanted to have Dinner with me and them tomorrow night. My father has managed to get this new job at the hospital here in Seattle and both of them are pretty thrilled about it."

"I don't know yet. I really don't feel well."

"Maybe Carlisle should take a look at you." I suggest.

"I am not sick."

"Sure, honey. Do you want me to make you some tea?"

"I want you to leave me alone. Why don't you call your friends Erica if she wants some tea? Maybe with a bit of rat poison in it!"

She knows. Oh crap, she knows. But how? Erica…

"See, I told you that you should tell Alice about it before she finds out."

"Great! So, you told Edward and not me. Just wonderful!"

"Alice, please stop yelling. It hurts my ears."

"You stay out of this! Or no, you don't—as my cousin you are supposed to be on my side!"

"Calm down. It was just a kiss and it didn't mean anything to Bella. She loves you."

"Then why did she kiss Erica?"

"Erica kissed me, not the other way round. I tried to comfort her because Vicky teased her in our group meeting and then she just kissed my mouth. I'm sorry, Alice, so sorry."

"I think I give the two of you some privacy. Call me about that Dinner tomorrow, okay?"

He plants a kiss on my cheek before petting Alice's shoulder for a moment.

"Don't be too hard on her."

When he's gone it takes me a bit too long to react and somehow my throat seems too dry to speak.

Alice turns around and rushes up the stairs but stumbles, so that I can barely manage to keep her from falling on all fours.

"Slow. I don't want you to get hurt." I tell her when I lift her up to carry her to my room. She's too exhausted to protest and so she just sighs and leans her head against my neck.

"I can't believe you let that stupid bitch kiss you." she whispers hoarsely.

"I'm sorry. It will never happen again. I don't like Erica and I should have realized that she's in love with me. I'm obviously not very good at reading other people's feelings."

"I don't want to lose you to her. She's always shoving it into my face that she's better for you than I am."

"Nobody could ever be better for me than you." I tell her before I plant several gentle kisses all over her beautiful face. When her lips eventually find mine, I can taste something sweet in her mouth. Chocolate cake, maybe?

"I love you. I will always love you. Please, don't be mad at me because of Erica."

"I'll forgive you, if you promise me not to see her again."

"Alice, she is in my self-support group."

"I don't care. You're not seeing her again. I don't want that horrible woman anywhere near you."

"Okay," I whisper, pulling her closer to me. She smells good and her skin tastes deliciously salty and sweet at the same time when I circle my tongue down her collarbone.

"Bella," Her voice is nothing but a moan that goes straight to my loins. God, I want her so much.

"Let me make love to you."

My hands cup her perky breasts through the fabric of her shirt to massage them tenderly. Her nipples are instantly hard against my palm and I lower my head to suck one of it between my lips.

"Bella, I …I can't."

It sounds as if she's almost crying again. Crap, I didn't push her or anything. Did I? Why doesn't she want to sleep with me? Oh right, she's on her period and probably still has cramps.

"Are you in pain?"

"My cramps are better but I just can't have sex now. I…I'm bleeding."

She seems embarrassed now and looks down at her hands.

"Doesn't matter to me, if that's what you're worried about."

"It makes me feel uncomfortable."

"Oh, I see. We can just cuddle if you want to. We don't need to have sex."

"I would like to take a bath now. Maybe a hot bath will help with making me feel a bit better. My Mom always said a hot bath might help with that sort of _problem_."


	43. Chapter 43

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I've been told that not all of my readers are girls. So, here's a special shout out to the guys, trans and bio who are reading my little story here.

The chapter down there is from Alice's POV. Did I mention that I'm nervous about it?

****43****

I lean my forehead against the cold material of the mirror in front of me and wait. My heart is pounding hectically in my chest and my entire body is covered in sweat despite the shower I have taken a few minutes ago.

I feel like I can't breathe.

The time on the clock doesn't seem to move at all and when I close my eyes for a moment the knock on the bathroom door startles me so much that I drop my entire make-up essentials down to the ground.

"Alice, sweetie, are you okay in there?"

"Yes, yes, yes!" I call out, unable to suppress the trembling in my voice.

"We're going to be late."

"I just need to finish doing my hair."

I can hear her chuckle and walk away from the bathroom door, her high heels clicking on the floor in the same slow rhythm the seconds on the clock pass by.

Two more minutes.

Sitting down on the toilet lid, I take several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down my nerves a bit.

It will just be false alarm. It has to be false alarm. Oh, please, please…

My fingers are trembling when I reach for the instructions of the pregnancy test for another time.

Pink means negative, blue positive. I never really cared too much for the color blue.

Please, stay pink, little dot, please stay pink.

The time is eventually up and I consider sending a quick prayer above before I take the white test stripe to take a look at it.

The dot in the middle of the stripe has turned into a very clear blue tone.

I'm pregnant.

I can't be pregnant.

I don't want to be pregnant.

Automatically my hands move down to my still perfectly flat abdomen and for a moment I wonder if I could just end this horrible situation if I would kick myself very hard there.

Panic spreads through me and I wished I could stay inside the secure walls of this room for the rest of my life.

I don't want to go out and face Bella now. There is no way I can tell her about this.

"Alice, are you ready now?"

I am so far away from being ready.

"Alice?"

"Coming,"

Stuffing the test down into my handbag, I force my lips into a fake smile before I open the door.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," I whisper, when she pulls her arms around me to plant a kiss on my lips.

"It's okay. You look beautiful, just a little pale maybe. Your period isn't having a good influence on your well-being."

My period would make me the happiest person on this goddamn earth right now.

"Hmm,"

"Maybe that will get better once you get on the pill. I read some article in a magazine about that."

We walk down the stairs and like a robot I manage to do some small talk with my girlfriend during our ride to the restaurant.

I don't feel like eating at all ever again.

"Alice, darling, are you sick?" My aunt asks me worriedly when she pulls me into a hug.

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired."

Just a bit pregnant, I think, wondering how big my chances are that the test hasn't been working properly.

"The girl is too thin. She needs to eat more." my uncle stats, looking me over from head to toe.

_She_ will most likely look like a bloated whale in a couple of months.

"Do you want to have wine? Now, that you are finally old enough to drink, Alice."

I hesitate for a moment. Alcohol is really bad for embryos, not that I should care too much about what is or isn't good for the little intruder inside of me.

"I'll have a coke." I whisper. "I don't care too much for wine anyway."

The waitress takes our order and I try to focus on the conversation between my cousin and his parents. Both of them don't seem to be very pleased about his decision to divorce his unfaithful bitch of a wife.

"No one in the Cullen family has ever gotten a divorce." Carlisle says, taking a big gulp from the wine in front of him.

"Dad, no one in this family has ever been married to a whore like Tanya."

"Don't use that kind of language, in the presence of your mother."

"Dear Christ, Dad. She cheated on me during our honeymoon. What am I supposed to do about that?"

"Maybe you should consider doing some therapy. It might help the two of you."

"I won't talk to a shrink. That's for people who aren't right in the head."

"You mean like me." Bella snarls angrily.

"Bella, honey, you know I didn't mean it like that. It's just…I don't want to know why she cheated on me. I just don't want to know."

My aunt sighs deeply and pets Edward's arm before squeezing his hand.

"I was already looking forward to have some grandchildren."

"Mom, please. I'm still a child myself."

"A child, who is old enough to get married and divorced within the same month,"

"Dad, I'm sorry but this is my life not yours and Mom's."

"Edward, your father didn't mean to offend you. Right, darling?"

"I just want him to take on the responsibility for his actions. When I was his age I already had a wife and kid to provide for. Plus dealing with Med School on top of that. Do you have any clue how it is like to handle a teething infant while you are supposed to study for your exams?"

I swallow hard while I try to imagine how I am going to finish College with a baby. It's difficult for me enough to focus on my studies without distractions.

"I know. I was a little unpleasant accident for the two of you."

"You weren't an accident, honey."

"Your mother is right, son. A child is never an accident. A surprise maybe, but sometimes those happen to turn into something good."


	44. Chapter 44

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I can't tell you enough how much your support and interest in my story means to me. You make me feel like I'm really good at what I'm doing. I love you all so much.

FAQ's

How long has it been since Alice and Bella met?

Okay, the embarrassing truth is that I totally suck at making out time lines. It has been about 10 weeks now, if I haven't messed up anything.

Why is Alice reacting so negatively about the pregnancy? I thought she wanted to have kids.

I think that she feels like she's not ready for a child and then there's the fact that she's really worried about how B. is going to react.

Somehow, I really want to give her a hug and tell her everything will be okay.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****44****

Something is wrong. I can feel something wrong. During the entire last week Alice has acted strange around me. She has developed a sudden deep interest in her College education and has spent most of the days studying in the library. When she comes home at night, she seems tensed, shrugging back whenever I try to hug her.

Maybe she's still mad at me because of Erica. The kiss really didn't mean anything to me. The only one I love is Alice and I don't want to lose her.

My cell starts beeping and I sigh deeply when I see Erica's number flashing over the tiny screen. For a moment I hesitate to pick up. It's not like I'm too fond of talking to her right now.

"Hello,"

"Bella, sweetie, it's me."

"Hi Erica,"

"How's it going? Look, I wanted to ask if you want to go to this reading about new SRS techniques tonight at the hospital."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

She snarls through her teeth before she speaks up again.

"Why not? I thought you were serious about getting your bottom surgery? Do you want to stay pre-op for the rest of your life? That's just wrong."

"I'll have the surgery when I feel ready to have it."

"Before you met this Alice pixie you didn't have so much trouble making up your mind. She's having a bad influence on you."

"Erica! I told you, again and again that I don't like the way you are talking about my girlfriend. I love Alice. She's part of my life now. If you want us to stay friends you need to accept that."

"I love you. Why can't you love me back?"

"Erica, love doesn't work like that. You'll find someone else."

"I don't want anyone else. Who would want to be with me anyway?"

"You'll find someone. I know you do. You're a wonderful person if you don't bitch around too much about others."

"Maybe yes, maybe no; not that it matters anyway."

I can hear her sniff into the receiver and wonder if she has started crying now. Crap, I don't want her to feel miserable now.

"I'm sorry about the kiss. That was wrong."

"You're forgiven." I whisper, swallowing back a big lump in my throat.

I just hope Alice will be able to forgive me soon. I don't like her being mad at me.

"Good. I was worried about that. Do you want to go for a drink with me after the reading? You can bring your…girlfriend with you. I'll ask Leon to come as well. He wanted to go there anyway."

"I don't know, Erica. Alice is pretty pissed at you. She even asked me not to see you again."

"Is she telling you whom to see now? That's pretty possessive of her."

"She's just jealous."

"Probably or maybe she knows deep inside her I'd be better for you than she is."

"Stop saying stuff like that. It's not true."

"Whatever. Oh by the way, how's her friend? The one she bought that pregnancy test for."

"Pregnancy test? Which pregnancy test?"

"The one she bought in the drugstore when I ran into her. Well, it doesn't really matter. I have to go now, have an appointment with my hairdresser. Bye, sweetie."

I hang up and a few moments later I can hear Alice's high heels clicking on the linoleum the hall.

"Hey, baby." I greet her, wrapping my arms around her narrow waist.

"Can we sit down and talk?" she asks me, her voice quivering with tears she's trying to hold back.

"Yes, sure," I tell her when we sit down on the couch. Alice's hands are trembling as she lifts them up to her pale face and starts sobbing.

"Oh my god, this is so hopeless."

"Alice, honey, why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Everything!"

I pull her on my lap and caress her hair with my fingertips while I hum some nameless melody into her ear.

"It can't be that bad."

"Oh it is. It is. And you are going to hate me so much!"

I place a finger under her chin to make her look up to me. How can she think I'd hate her? I could never hate her.

"I could never hate you. Just tell me what's bothering you so much and I'll see how I can help you with it."

"Do you love me? I mean do you really love me?"

"Of course, I love you. Why are you asking? Am I not telling you enough how much you mean to me."

"Oh Bella," she wipes her running nose on the back of her hand and sighs deeply. "I don't want to lose you. I hoped that maybe it was just some false alarm and I didn't want to worry you unnecessarily."

"Worry me about what?"

"I lied to you when my period was late. I didn't want to worry you."

"But you told me you got it last week. Why would you lie to me about that?" My voice comes out too shrill, like always when I'm agitated. I hate the fact that she has lied to me but I'm more concerned that she has been afraid to tell me something.

"I didn't want to worry you. Like I s-said, I thought it was just some false alarm." she tells me while her dainty body is shaken between desperate sobs.

"Have you made a test to find out?"

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, everything clicks into place.

Alice buying the pregnancy-test for a friend…

Her distant behavior during the last days…

_Do you love me? Do you really love me?_

A growl-like sound leaves me raspy throat when I shove Alice from my lap and jump from the couch like a caged animal that has been set free unexpectedly.

"Tell me this isn't true! I told you I can't do this! I can't be a father. I just can't!"


	45. Chapter 45

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] thanks for your incredible support for my little story here. Your interest in my work means so much to me.

Writing this chapter made me cry. So, I thought I'd better give you a tissue warning.

****45****

I'm having a panic attack or at least something pretty close to that. It's like I can't breathe and the walls around me seem to be coming closer.

Someone yells and only the painful feeling in my throat makes me realize that I'm the one making that noise.

I can't stay here. I just can't.

Rushing out of the house, I run through the emptied streets, not even bothering where I'm actually going.

I just want to be away from all of this mess.

She's pregnant. Alice is pregnant and I'm the….oh my god, I can't even manage to think _that_ word. It makes me feel exactly like the disgusting freak I am.

My head is spinning and when I lean forward in an attempt to get some balance again, I feel the hard bark of a tree against my forehead.

I wished I was dead. I can't deal with this baby thing. It's just too much.

"Bella, is that you?"

I turn around, blinking through my mascara-smeared eyes at Leon. He's wearing some running clothes and his short cropped black hair is damp from sweating.

"What is wrong with you? Has someone hurt you?"

"No,"

"Why the hell are you alone in a park at this time? Were the security tips Ben gave you and Erica too complicated for your little brain to grasp them? "

"Just leave me the fuck alone. I don't care if something happens to me! I don't care about anything! Oh crap!"

I sink down on my ass and wrap my arms around my knees to sob against them like a little child.

"Shhh," Leon whispers when he sits down next to me and carefully puts an arm around me. "Everything is going to be okay."

"No,"

He clears his throat nervously and fumbles around in the pockets of his jacket until he eventually finds a wrinkled tissue in it.

"Here, blow your nose like a big girl and then you're going to tell me what's wrong."

"Alice and I had a fight."

"Oh I see. Don't you think that you're overreacting a bit now? A fight is not the end of the world."

"You have no idea. She is pregnant, like having a baby pregnant. Fuck my life!"

"Is it from you?"

I nod my head and take a deep breath while I try to swallow back a new wave of tears.

"Isn't that just horrible?"

"Yes, it is." He stats drinking some water from the plastic bottle in his hands. "The way you're reacting is pretty fucked up."

"You're not very supportive. I can't deal with this situation. I can't be a father. The thought makes me sick."

"Firstly, you're the one who should be supportive right now. I'm sure that your girlfriend is not that thrilled about the pregnancy herself. Who would want to have kids with someone as whiny as you anyway? Well, what I'm trying to tell you is that she's probably pretty agitated herself. Pregnant women need someone to stand at their side. Having a child is difficult enough, especially when you are not prepared for it."

"I don't think I can do this."

"Why?"

"I can't be a father. I want to be a normal woman. Crap, I've always wanted to be a woman. That's all I ever wanted."

Leon chuckles bitterly before he spits out on the ground.

"I always hated being a woman. It feels like I'm trapped inside my own body. When I found out I was pregnant with Henry, I wanted to…well, I just wanted to kill myself."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't have to be. I don't want anyone to pity me."

"I know."

"Jake believes that everything happens for a reason and sometimes I'm tempted to believe him. I regret a lot of the things I've done in my life but the boys—I could never regret having the boys. They'll always be a part of me, even if I'm not allowed to see them anymore."

"Sam is an asshole."

"Yeah he is, but one with full custody of our children. Look, I have to go now. I'm supposed to go this reading with Erica."

I tell him goodbye and wipe my smeared mascara from my face as good as I can without a mirror before I walk back home again.

At a flower shop I stop to get the biggest flower bouquet of Roses and pink Lilies I can find.

I shouldn't have yelled at Alice like this. It's not her fault that she's pregnant now. It takes two to make a baby.

_To make a baby…_

My lips curl unintentional into a smile when I think about how the two of us have made love. It's our love that has made this baby and for a moment this thought makes me feel warm throughout my body.

"Alice, honey, I'm home again!" I call out when I enter the house. It's quiet here, so awfully quiet.

"Alice! Are you up there?"

She doesn't react and when I rush up the stairs I notice that the closet in the guest bedroom is open. Some clothes are lying on the ground as if she's tried to pack everything in a hurry and has forgotten some of her stuff.

There is a rolled up painting on the bed with an envelope next to it. I rip it open with quivering fingers.

_Bella,_

_I know you hate me now but I will love you forever._

_Please consider to keep the painting. It shows everything I want to tell you but can't. I'm better at painting my feelings than writing them down anyway._

_Take care of you. You deserve better than you think you do._

_I kiss you in my thoughts_

_Alice_

She's gone. Gone because I have reacted like the most selfish piece of shit to her telling me she's expecting a baby.

Oh my poor Alice. She can't be gone. I love her. We belong together.

I unroll the painting and look down at a mermaid holding a new born human baby in her arms…


	46. Chapter 46

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your encouraging feedback. The girls are going through some tough times but you need to have faith in the strength of their love

****46****

She's gone, actually gone and somehow it seems like she's taken all the light in my life with her.

I sink down on the ground and wrap my arms around myself in a desperate attempt to keep me from falling apart.

Alice has left me and with her my maybe only possible chance at love is gone. She's everything to me and now I've lost her because I've let my own fears come between my feelings for her.

I can't be without her. I'd rather die.

There needs to be a way to get her back, to make her forgive me although I probably don't deserve to be forgiven.

Calling her cell, I only get her voice mail and the familiar sound of her cheerful voice brings tears to my eyes.

"Alice, honey, it's me. Please call me back. We need to talk. I'm sorry. God, baby, I'm so sorry."

When I hang up the phone down in the kitchen starts ringing and I rush down there as fast as I can.

"Alice!"

"I'm sorry to disappoint you but it's just me." I can hear the amusement in his voice and because my nerves are already too tensed, I can't hold back a sob from escaping my throat.

"Bella? Are you okay?"

"No,"

"Shit, what's wrong. Why are you crying?"

"Al-ice,"

"What about her? Did the two of you have a fight or something?"

"She left me! Packed her things and left me a note. She left me! And it's completely my fault, all my fault!"

"Breathe, Bella. I want you to sit down somewhere. Can you do that for me, princess?"

Automatically I do what he told me and reach for a roll of paper towels to wipe my running nose.

"She left me. I don't even know where she is now."

"Have you tried to call her cell?"

"Yes, but she's turned it off. Edward, I can't lose her. She's the only person I ever loved."

"Can you tell me what happened? Because to me it seemed like the two of you were pretty much into each other. Alice loves you. I'm sure about that."

"That was before I fucked everything up."

"It's not about that kiss with this stupid Erica again, is it? Jeez, it was just a kiss and you have told her it didn't mean anything to you. She should be able to get over it."

"It's way worse. I freaked. I yelled at her. I don't even know what came over me to act like that. It's no wonder when she doesn't want anything to do with me now."

"That doesn't sound like you at all to yell at people. But then on the other hand, you've never really been in a relationship before and maybe you were just unable to cope with the situation."

"I had no right to leash out on her like that. It's not like she's gotten pregnant on purpose."

"SHE'S WHAT?"

Damn it that really hurt my ear.

"Yes, she is having a baby."

Once the words are out of my mouth, they lose a great deal of their horror and for the first time since Alice has told me about the pregnancy I feel like I can breathe again.

Edward doesn't speak for an endless seeming moment before he clears his throat loudly.

"My cousin is pregnant from you?"

"I know it's abnormal somehow."

"No, it's not. I just think I need some time to get used to the idea that you're making me an uncle."

"I'm sorry. We didn't plan this. I should have been more careful."

"Oh princess, it's too late for that kind of thoughts."

"I know. Look, I have to hang up now. I need to try calling Alice. I'm so worried about her."

"Let me help you. If she's mad at you, it's more likely that she's going to speak to me."

"Tell her I'm sorry. You need to tell her I'm so sorry and I wished I could take back everything I said."

"I will. Or no, I won't. You can tell Alice yourself, when you see her the next time."

"Oh Edward, what am I going to do if you won't forgive me?"

"She will. Alice is a stubborn little thing but she's amazing at forgiving people. When we were kids I threw some firework in her Barbie house and she still defended me in front of her parents afterwards."

I disconnect the call and dial Alice's cell again to only reach her voice mail again.

"Alice, baby, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Can we talk please? I miss you."

I drop the phone to the desk in front of me and stand up to get a bottle of vodka from the fridge. I don't drink often but I hope that it will help me to numb the emptiness inside of me.

I gulp down an entire glass filled with the bitterly liquid and because I haven't eaten much all day my body reacts instantly to the alcohol.

Dizziness washes over me and when I close my eyes for a moment, the picture of me planting a kiss on Alice's swollen middle appears in front of my inner eyes.

I want her back. I want both of them back. I can't live without my Alice. She's the only good thing that ever happened to me in my life, the only right among all the wrong.

My phone starts ringing again and I pick it up as quickly as I can.

"Hello?"

"It's me, princess."

"Edward! Edward, have you found her?"

"Well, yes and no."

"Is she hurt? I know how she drives like, it's frightening."

"There is nothing wrong with driving a little fast now and then."

"Edward, please tell me where she is, so that I can go there to bring her back."

"I don't think you'd want to go there. You told me that you never wanted to go there again."

"Edward, where is she?"

"My Mom told me Alice has called her. I don't know what exactly she has told her but somehow she's talked my mother into helping her. She's with her at my parents' house back home."

"Alice is in Forks?" My voice rises into a shrill high frequency.

"Yes, she is, but she's refusing to speak to anyone but my mother at the moment. It seems like she's pretty hurt."


	47. Chapter 47

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to apologize because I think I've messed Bella's height up. I still haven't grasped this foot…inch stuff you're using in the States. She's 1,86 in meter.

Thanks to all of you who read & review. Your support means a lot to me.

****47****

It feels strange to be back in Forks after five years. The small town where I've spent my entire childhood still seems so completely unchanged, like it had been frozen in time somehow.

The one thing, the only one that has changed is me.

"Stop biting your fingernails." Edward tells me when he steps on the breaks in front of a stop sign. "Everything is going to be alright."

"But what if she doesn't forgive me? What if she doesn't want me back?"

"Alice will forgive you. She loves you. She's just hurt, but that's- not something you can't change."

"I don't even know what to tell her."

"How about…Alice, I was an asshole but please forgive me because I love you, you and the baby. It doesn't even matter if you feel that way about the child but it's what my cousin needs to hear from you right now."

"I don't know how I feel about the baby. I don't want to be a father. The thought makes me sick somehow."

"You'd be the crappiest father ever. Maybe though, if you work a bit on yourself you'll make a pretty decent mother."

I nod my head and sigh deeply. From that crossroad it's about five more minutes to the Cullen's house. Six minutes to my parents' home.

When Edward parks the car in the drive-up I have trouble getting out of the car. At least I can't see Charlie's cruiser in front of their house. He's probably still at the station.

"You're not going to panic on me now, are you?"

"I can't be here. I can't do this. Not here."

"Bella! You're not going to make me carry you inside the house over my shoulder. I thought you were serious about getting Alice back."

"I am."

"Then get out of this car. It also looks like you're about to blow and if you do that inside my Volvo—"

I jump from my seat and for a moment I'm afraid that I'm actually going to throw up from all the stress.

Edward pulls out his key but before he can use it the white front door of the Cullen's house is pulled open.

Esme 's heart-shaped face that is usually friendly looks more like a hard mask now.

"Bella? I can't believe you're here."

"Mom, she's here to talk to Alice. Is she here?"

"The poor girl is sleeping now after crying throughout the entire night. All that excitement is not good for a woman in her condition."

"I really need to talk to her."

"I'm not going to wake her up now. She needs some rest. Oh by the way, have you spoken to your mother yet?"

"No,"

"So, you come here the first time in five years and don't find it necessary to make a visit to your parents'?"

"Mom, don't be so rude to Bella. You know how Charlie is like. He kicked her out of the house when she told him she's transgender."

"Renee is not Charlie. I tell you something. You go and see your mother and then I'll let you talk to Alice."

"Mom, you can't do that."

"Oh, sweetheart, I can. Now bring this garbage out for me and then you could make a run to the supermarket and get some lemons for me. I want to make this pie for dessert today."

"Mom! We have other things to deal with than baking."

"I don't think so." she stats, closing the door in front of our faces.

"Your mother hates me now."

"She doesn't hate you."+

"Oh yes she does. She wants me to see Renee and I can't do that."

"You can and you will. This is for Alice, remember?"

He pulls me with him and when I stand in front of my parents' house a moment later I would just run away, if it wasn't for the tight grip of Edward's hand around mine.

My Mom opens the door and I see that she's lost about twenty pounds since the last time I've seen her. She has cut off her hair and dyed it into a bright beach blonde color. There are some laugh lines around her eyes now that show how much time has passed since I saw her last.

"Oh, hi Edward, are you visiting your mom?"

"Kind of,"

It's then that she sees me and I instantly lower my head to cover my face with a curtain of my long chestnut colored hair.

"Is that your wife?"

"No, she's not."

Slowly I raise my head again and somehow I manage to force my lips into something like a half-smile. I can't speak. My throat is too dry.

"Too bad, honey. She's a real beauty."

"Mom," the word comes out in a raspy breathe and for a moment I'm not sure if she's heard it at all.

"Brian? Oh my God!"

She tumbles backwards and somehow Edward manages to catch her before she makes contact with the hard floor.

"Renee, it's okay."

"No, it's not. What the hell has happened to him? My son is dead! He's dead! And she…I don't even know who _she_ is."

"I'm sorry," I croak out when all of us sit down in the small living room.

"Maybe you should have a drink, Renee."

"You know that we don't have any alcohol inside the house because of Charlie."

"Oh I see. Now, just take a deep breath and try to calm down."

A loud sob escapes her mouth before she starts crying.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I should just go. It was wrong to come here."

"No!"

I shrug back and accidentally throw a shelf with old photographs down to the ground.

_Brian as a baby._

_Brian on his first day at school._

_Brian wearing some awful superman costume for Halloween._

How many pictures of _him_ do they have? I wished I could burn them all. They hold too many painful memories for me.

"What happened to you face?" Renee asks me suddenly touching my cheekbone with her fingertips.

"I had some feminization surgery on it. Look, Mom, I'm sorry. I know you can't deal with this. I should go before Dad shows up here."

"No," she whispers hoarsely. "I want you to stay."


	48. Chapter 48

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N]

Blows confetti for hitting the **700****th** review mark! Your love and support for my little story means so much to me and makes me feel better when I doubt my writing skills.

Double update time for you, my lovely readers, I hope you enjoy.

****48****

When I leave my parent's house it is already dark outside. My mother is trying her best to deal with my physical changes and when she hugs me to tell me good bye I feel like crying. For some reason though my eyes stay dry. Maybe I don't have any more tears left to shed.

This time Edward manages to open the door of the Cullen's home with his key and when we enter the house I can hear Alice's light voice from the -kitchen.

"But Aunt Esme, I'm really not hungry."

"Sweetie, you need to eat."

I can't speak when I enter the room but when her beautiful eyes meet mine I sink down on my knees in front of her.

"Bella, what are you doing here?"

I sob and wrap my arms around her knees, feeling the pain shudder throughout my body as if I have been cut in half.

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. Please come back to me."

Esme clears her throat nervously.

"Edward, I need you to help me fix the light in the garage. It doesn't work properly."

"Yes sure. We probably should give them some privacy anyway."

"Oh God, Edward, you're like your father. Now come with me. Alice and Bella have some talking to do."

Before she's out of the room she turns around again and speaks directly to me.

"You need to make sure she eats something. It's not good for the baby if her body doesn't get enough vitamins."

Alice sighs deeply and reaches out her hand to pet my hair with her dainty fingertips.

"My aunt is a bit overly protective."

"She cares about you. I care about you too. Alice, I'm so sorry for how I've acted. I had no right to yell at you like this."

"You scared me."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I wished I could take back everything I said. I love you and I don't want to lose you. My life sucks without you in it."

"I love you too. But I also love the baby."

Her voice gets a very warm undertone when she says the last sentence and her right hand moves down to her abdomen.

"Isn't that weird? I didn't even know that I loved the baby until my aunt asked me if I wanted to have an abortion."

"Alice, I don't know what to do. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this baby but I love you. I want to be with you and if you give me just one more chance, I'm going to try everything to make you happy."

She smiles a bit and then she pulls me close to her again. When I feel her lips on my hair I'm close to fainting. The tension is just too much for me. I feel like nothing I can say is good enough now.

"I don't think I've ever heard you talk so much before."

"Please say you'll forgive me. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without you."

"I love you. But you have to promise me that you're never going to freak like that again, no matter what happens."

"I promise. I swear. Please, Alice, let me make this right again. I love you so much."

Before I can say anything more, her lips are on mine. She kisses me softly, hesitantly and when I eventually dare to deepen the kiss it feels like this is the first time I'm exploring the inside of her sweet mouth. I want to drown in her warmth. The time without her has been worse than hell to me.

"Ohh,"

"Am I hurting you?" I ask her worriedly when I realize that I have landed on top of her on the hard kitchen floor.

"No, but we should probably get up before my aunt comes back. This could give her a heart attack."

Not wanting to let her go, I pull her on my lap when I sit down on one of the kitchen chairs.

"Do you want to eat your dinner now?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat for the baby." I tell her, picking up a piece of buttered carrot on her fork to wave with it in front of her face.

"Open your mouth."

"I'm not hungry and you don't need to feed me like a little child."

"Oh but I need to practice for the baby. Now open your mouth and eat like a good girl."

I end up feeding her everything that's on the plate and when she's finished she sighs deeply.

"I think I should lay down a bit now. I feel so tired."

"Are you alright? Do you want me to call a doctor?"

"Bella, I'm just tired not sick. I didn't sleep well last night. I was pretty shaken up from the whole situation."

Edward and his mother return and Alice jumps from my lap, just to wrap her arms around me from behind. I can't stop touching her small hands. I need to touch her to make sure that she's really here.

"Are the two of you okay?"

"Yes," I whisper. "I think we are."

"You can't agitate Alice like that again. Are we clear about that Miss Swan?"

"Aunt Esme, please don't be so hard on her now. She was scared. People do stupid things when they are scared."

"I still want to make sure that she's not going to freak again. You're pregnant and need a partner who supports you, especially since you've decided that you want to keep the child."

"Mom, this is none of our business."

"Oh just shut, Edward. I need to make sure that Bella won't run for the hills when the next difficult situation comes up."

"I don't think there can't be anything worse than the baby news. I mean it shocked me and I'm not even actually involved."

"Well, I still haven't told my sister about the pregnancy and for some reason I'm pretty sure that she won't be too pleased about becoming a grandmother under this circumstances."


	49. Chapter 49

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I want to thank those of you who are such loyal and encouraging readers. Your love is what keeps me going.

**# to 400 or whatever your real author's name might be…**

I would have loved to respond to your _comment_ directly but unfortunately you were too lazy or whatever to log in.

Wow, so much hatred and bitterness as a result of a harmless tweet. Unlike you I haven't flamed or insulted another author personally. So, I noticed some similarities in the Twilight futa-fics on this site but obviously it is forbidden to point that out. When you mention about BDSM stories that 99% of them portray Edward as a CEO & Bella as a "natural born submissive" that doesn't offend anyone. But hey, everyone is different and while some of us are able to embrace the stereotypes in the fandom some obviously seem to see it as personal insult to their work.

No, I don't think _**It Won't Rain**_ is better than other stories. I never said it was. My writing is far from being flawless but honestly, if I was a perfect writer I wouldn't spend time posting fan fiction on the internet.

Anyway, if you didn't like my tweet or you have some personal issues with it, you could have send me a pm to talk things out, but obviously you just needed a reason to leash out on me and my story. You've managed to ruin my day and make me cry. Hopefully that makes you happy.

Now, step away from my stories and leave me the fuck alone.

****49****

Alice wiggles her backside against my building erection and although I'm not completely sure if she's already awake I let my lips glide tenderly over the skin on her neck. I suck it between my teeth until her pale flesh is covered in crimson marks.

My girl; I'm so incredibly glad to have her back.

"You're going to have to buy me a new scarf, if you continue giving me hickeys."

I smile and wrap my arms tighter around her from behind.

"You just need an excuse to force me into one of your marathon shopping trips."

"Maybe a little bit. I'd love to go shopping with you. Can we go today before we have to go back to Seattle?"

"Forks is not exactly a fashion metropolis."

She turns around and kisses my mouth while her hand moves under my shirt to massage my breasts.

"Alice, we can't."

"But I want you. I want you so much. We just have to be silent. Can you be silent, Bella?"

Her fingertips circle down my stomach until she reaches the elastic of my pajamas to pull them down.

I press my lips against each other when she closes her hand around my length and starts to let her fingers glide up and down.

"Oh fuck,"

"You need to be silent, baby. Can you be silent when I do this to you?" she asks me when lowering her mouth to my erection. The tip of her tongue swirls over the head and I have to bite my hand to keep me from moaning out loudly.

This is beyond divine. Her mouth feels like hot velvet around me and when she starts to take me deeper between her full lips my eyes roll back in my head.

She chokes when I hit the back of her throat and pulls back a bit to flicker her tongue around the head and down to the base.

"Oh my god,"

"You seem to have trouble staying silent." she whispers huskily before taking me back into the amazing warmth of her mouth. When she starts humming around me, I can barely stop myself from thrusting roughly into her mouth. I can feel my balls tightening against my underbelly when she cups them in her hand to massage them.

"Stop, baby you need to stop or I'm going to…I'm going to come,"

She pulls back and when she looks up at me her eyes are glassy.

"Is that good for you when I do that?"

"Good doesn't even come close to it. Now lay back and close your eyes. I want to taste you now."

I pull her shirt up and part her thighs to caress their insides with my fingers until I reach the slick wetness between her legs. When I touch the flat of my tongue against her clit, I can hear a low groan escaping Alice's throat.

"Now, look who has trouble staying silent," I mumble, letting my tongue circle down to her entrance and back up to her pulsing clit again. Faster and faster I move my tongue over her sensitive flesh until her inner lips are quivering with the beginning spasms of her climax.

I need to be inside her.

With a suppressed moan against her sweaty neck, I push into her. She's so tight around me and when I lift her legs up my dick glides even deeper into her wetness.

I can't hold back any longer. My hips begin to move faster and faster while my thumb circles the throbbing pearl above her entrance.

"Bella, baby, I'm so close, so close."

Cupping her backside in my left hand I manage to change the angle of my thrusts a bit.

Alice's muscles tighten around me and her clit is nothing but a trembling pulse under my fingertips.

With the next thrust of my hips, I can feel the intensity of my release building. I come deep within her and when the pulsing in my cock eventually subsides, I pull Alice on my lap and kiss her mouth breathlessly.

"I missed you so much."

"Promise me never to run away again. I love you and without you I can't be happy."

We manage to sneak into the bathroom where we take a quick shower before we tip toe down to the kitchen.

"Morning girls, you must have been tired that you've slept in so long. But at least Alice looks way better now. Your cheeks are so rosy today, sweetie."

"Thanks, Aunt Esme. Is all of this breakfast supposed to be for us?"

Esme nods her head and shoves a pile of pancakes on Alice's plate. Sometimes I feel like Edward's Mom would have felt very much at home in Stepford.

I drink some coffee and end up eating half of Alice's breakfast on top of mine because I feel so famished.

"So, what are the two of you going to do today?" Esme asks me when she puts the empty plates into the dishwasher.

"Just some shopping,"

"Oh that's nice."

We tell her goodbye and when I'm about to fumble my car keys out, Alice grabs them.

"Let me drive."

"Kay, if it makes you happy, sweetheart."

I hate the way Alice drives but somehow I have trouble saying no to her. We make it about two miles until I hear the loud sound of a police siren right behind us.

"Crap,"

"Is that the police? I didn't even drive that fast, did I?"

Oh god, please don't let it be _him_.

I send a quick prayer up, hoping that it is just one of the Deputies who is pulling us over but when Alice rolls down the window and I see a familiar black moustache, I wish for the earth to open up underneath me. This is going to be so awkward.

"Morning, Miss. Can I see the papers please?"

"Hi, Sir, was I a bit too fast?"

"I wouldn't have made you pull over for a bit."

Yes, sure. I know how Charlie is like. Giving people tickets is one of his favorite parts of police work.

Alice hands him the papers and when he reads my name, well Brian's name on them, his face turns white.


	50. Chapter 50

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for you love and encouragement. Your support for my little story here is everything to me.

I totally messed up the car thing. So…hmm, let's pretend that Edward had to sign over the car papers to Bella. How do you like him in this story? It's so different to me writing him as a rather nice guy.

****50****

It takes Charlie a couple of minutes to compose himself enough to speak again. His voice is a bit too strict, the words coming out a bit too fast. I can clearly hear the nervousness in them.

"Whose car is this, Miss?"

"It's mine." I whisper and when his eyes meet mine, I feel very close to freaking out. The last time I've seen my father was when he kicked me out of the house. He was drunk and he has yelled stuff at me that I don't want to hear again, ever.

"Get out of the car."

"Why?" Alice asks him, raising an eyebrow. "Can't you just give me a ticket?"

"Miss, I said, get out of this fucking car right now!"

Alice starts crying. She's not good at handling being yelled at and I instantly wrap my arms around her when we are out of the car.

"Don't touch each other!"

"Stop yelling, Dad. You're scaring her."

"That's your father?"

I nod my head and sigh deeply.

"What the fuck happened to your voice, Brian? Did they cut off your balls or something? I swear to God, you're the sickest thing on earth."

"Don't talk to Bella like that. It's not like she's chosen to be transgender."

"Miss, I can talk to my faggot of a son as it pleases me. What do you have to do with him anyway?"

"Dad, please just give us the goddamn ticket und leave us alone. I know you hate me."

He spites on the ground and runs his fingers nervously through his moustache.

"Stop being so whiny, Brian."

"My name is Bella."

"I don't have the nerves to deal with your issues. Here's your ticket and keep to the speed limits from now on."

"Yes, sure."

"You're not planning on staying here in Forks, are you?"

"Why would I stay in a place where I'm not welcomed?"

He mumbles something that's too low for me to understand it. Then he climbs back into the cruiser and drives off.

I am numb. I can't allow myself to feel the pain. It would crush me if I did.

Alice hugs me, but I try to shove her away again. If I hold her now, I'm going to cry and if I do, I probably won't be able to stop.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. Your father is a bastard."

"Please, I can't talk about this. I just can't."

"But Bella…,"

"Alice, please, I can't do this. There is nothing you can say to make me feel better now. I just want to forget. Oh fuck my life!"

We get back into the car and Alice takes my hand carefully between both of hers.

"You know, I love you. I'm always here for you."

"I know, baby."

I kiss her mouth and pull her close to me. I love her so much. I'm glad she's here with me.

"Do you still want to go shopping?" I ask her.

"Yes. Yes, I think a little distraction would be good for us."

In the mall I buy Alice a bright yellow silk scarf to cover up the fresh hickeys I've left on her throat this morning.

"Oh they have baby clothes over there! Can we take a look?"

"Shouldn't we wait a little longer until we buy clothes for the baby? We don't even know if it's a boy or a girl."

Alice pulls me inside the shop and takes about every item in her hands with a loud. "Ohhh, how cute!"

Maybe that's the result of the pregnancy hormones spreading through her veins.

Then she sees a tiny pair of red Chucks and her shopping instinct kicks in.

"We need to buy these. They are so cute."

"What if the baby is a boy?"

"Doesn't matter, I still want to have them for the baby."

"Kay, if it makes you happy. I'll buy them."

"You're a darling. I pay you back when my parents send me my next check."

"Alice, don't be silly now. The money your folks give to you is for your college education. Despite, this is for our child. If you want the baby to crawl around in these shoes, it will."

"You're the best girlfriend ever!"

We end up buying the shoes and a thick pile of books about pregnancy tips. The shop girl is a chatty little thing with curly hairs that gives us a bottle of almond oil for free. Obviously pregnant women need this kind of stuff in order to prevent stretch marks.

"I'm going to look like a whale."

"No, you won't. You'll always be beautiful to me."

"We'll talk about that in a few months when I can't see my feet anymore."

She tells me when I park the car in front of the Cullen's house again. I grab our bags and wave my hand at Edward who is fumbling around on the front door.

"Hey there,"

"Hi, ladies, how's it going?"

"Good and you? What are you doing there with the lock?"

"I'm trying to change it. Tanya showed up here and made a pretty ugly scene in front of my poor mother."

"Crap. Why was she here?"

"She says she wants me back and that Esme should help her convincing me into trying some family therapy. I don't need a fucking therapy. I need this whore to leave me the fuck alone."

"I'm sorry, she came here. I know that you don't want to see her again after what happened on your honeymoon."

"She said she loves me. She said she loves me. What a load of bullshit. Love is for idiots. I don't think I want to date anyone ever again. Women treat men like crap."

"Edward, don't say that. You'll find someone else, someone who will cherish your love."

"Yeah, maybe or maybe not, it doesn't even matte, I just want to get out of this joke of a marriage as soon as I can."

"Let me guess, Tanya isn't going to sign the papers without throwing a tantrum?"


	51. Chapter 51

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for the lovely reviews. Your interest in my little story here means so much to me.

FAQ's

Is it weird that I don't think of Bella as a guy?

No, it's not. I think she'd actually like that.

Do you hate Charlie?

In this story – yes, definitely.

And because some of you seem to be curious about that; no, I'm not transgender myself. I've just done a bit of research and I really hope that I'm portraying Bella's character okay.

As always feel free to ask me questions, should you have any.

****51****

„Can I ask you something, sweetie?" Alice asks me while she continues nibbling on a chicken wing that she's dipped into some greasy mayonnaise. It seems like she's constantly hungry at the moment but I assume that's how it's like when a woman is pregnant. I try to make sure she takes the vitamins her gynecologist has prescribed her and massage some oil into the smooth skin on her abdomen every night.

"No, I don't want any of the chicken. You can have it all to yourself."

"I wasn't going to share. I'm starving. The baby is always making me eat."

I park the car in front of the building where Whitlock has his office and sigh deeply. My therapy sessions suck. They are pointless and I can't for fucks sake not stand the way he keeps looking at my Alice.

"If I wasn't…would you want to get your bottom surgery?"

"You are. I don't know why you're asking me that now."

"Because you always seem so tensed when you go to your therapy sessions and I assumed that had something to do with the surgery."

"I bet you'd be tensed too if someone would dig around in the darkest wounds of your soul the entire time."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be." I whisper, planting a kiss on her hair. "And you don't have to come with me here every week. It must be boring to you."

"Oh I don't mind. I brought one of the pregnancy books with me to spare some time."

Whitlock comes out of his office and when he sees Alice his mouth curls up into that idiotic grin.

"Seems like someone was a bit hungry,"

"These are fantastic. Do you want some, Jasper?"

"No, thank you, Alice, I don't care too much for chicken. How have you been?"

Jasper? Alice? What the fuck did I miss here? I swear if he keeps flirting with her like that I am so definitely getting a new therapist.

"Can we get started now?" I snarl at him, unable to suppress the anger in my voice. "_We_ have other plans today apart from my session with you, Dr. Whitlock."

He chuckles and I feel like punching him straight into his stupid face.

"You don't seem in a very good mood today." Whitlock stats when I sit down on the couch in his office.

"My mood was better before I came here."

"Is something bothering you, Bella?"

Yes, your shameless flirting with my girlfriend.

"No,"

"Oh Bella, please, you're not going to make any progress, if you have trouble being open to me."

"It's easy for you to say so. I never get to ask you stupid questions."

"Well, if that's your problem, we can fix that easily. Is there anything specific you'd like to know?"

"Do you find it necessary to flirt with my girlfriend in front of me? That's just rude."

"You are jealous. I assume that means you truly like her."

"I don't like her. I love her and for some strange reason she loves me back."

"If you love her, you should have a little more trust. A little bit of flirting hasn't done any harm ever."

"I'd still prefer it if you'd acted a bit more professional around her."

"Alice is not my patient and she's fun to talk to. Plus, she's one of the prettiest girls I've seen in a long while."

He stands up from his chair and walks around in his office, pulling a folder out of a shelf.

"Are you still planning on getting your SRS?"

"You know that I can't get it before you sign the fucking papers and as you have way too much fun making my life a misery—"

"What if I signed them today?"

"You're not going to do that. You said I needed at least one more year of therapy."

"Hmm. Let's pretend I'd sign them and all you'd have to do in return was ending your relationship with Alice."

"Is this supposed to be a joke?"

"Humor has never been my strong point. So, just think it over. You give up Alice and I'll sign all the necessary papers for the surgery that will make you a real woman."

"I could never break up with Alice. I love her."

"What about your surgery? Isn't that what you always wanted, the reason why you started all of this transition? I thought you knew what you wanted in life."

I practically jump from the couch.

"Fuck you! I can't believe you dared to pull something like that. I should press charges against you, you piece of shit."

Storming out of the office, I grab Alice's hand and pull her with me.

"Ouch! You're hurting me. What is wrong? Why is your session over so soon?"

I gasp for air, trying to calm myself down again but it's not working. Somehow I manage to make it back to the car and fumble for the keys in my purse.

"Bella, please, what is wrong? What happened? Did Jasper say anything that upset you?"

Nodding my head I sink down to my knees and start crying. I can't believe someone can be so malicious.

Alice kneels down next to me and pulls me close to her. Gentle fingertips move up and down my spine in order to comfort me. She's so very good at handling me when I'm about to break apart.

"Did he ask something about the ugly incident with your father?"

"No,"

"But you seem so agitated."

"Because I am," I tell her, wiping my running nose on the sleeve of my blouse. "He offered to sign my papers. You know those I need in order to get my bottom surgery."

"You're crying about that? Sweetie, if you don't want to get the surgery, you don't have to. I will always love you, no matter what you choose to do."

"The surgery is out of the question. I could never do what Whitlock asked for it in return."


	52. Chapter 52

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for your lovely reviews. I love reading your thoughts on my story.

Yes, I agree that it would also be interesting to read a story about Alice in the role of a transgender or a hermaphrodite . Who knows, maybe I'll write something like that in the future.

****52****

The anger spreads through my veins and my heart starts pounding hectically in my chest.

I barely feel Bella's hand on my shoulder before I turn around and rush back inside the building.

A shrill scream leaves my mouth before my fist connects roughly with Jasper's chest again and again. I want to break his nose but because I have decided to wear flats today there is no way I can reach his face.

"Hey, is something wrong?" he asks, grabbing his hands tightly around my wrist to stop my punches.

"You know exactly what's wrong! You swine! I'll end you! I make sure you're going to lose your fucking accreditation!"

"Alice, calm down. You're getting a bit hysterical here."

"I am not hysterical. I'm fucking pissed! How can you suggest to Bella that she should leave me for signing her surgery papers?"

He smirks, tightening the grip of his hands around mine until it is painful. Then he pulls me closer to him.

My head starts spinning and I feel like I can't breathe properly.

"There is a price for everything. How much are you willing to pay for the happiness of your Bella? As a therapist I assure you that she won't be very happy if she doesn't get the surgery and she has already tried to harm herself in the past."

"Let me go, before I kick you where it hurts."

He drops his hands and takes a few steps backwards, sitting down on the edge of the leather couch.

"You are a passionate woman. That's something I find very attractive."

"Don't you have any pride, using your position to blackmail Bella into this farce? She would never leave me. She loves me. I love her. "

"Bella is not ready for a relationship. She's still too focused on her transition."

"What I'm focused on is none of your fucking business anymore." Bella growls at him, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. I'm so agitated that my entire body is trembling.

"Baby, let's go." she whispers softly. When we are in the elevator she lifts me up and holds me against her chest.

"No. You don't have to carry me. I can walk."

"I know. I just want to."

We drive back home and after a couple of minutes I realize that my right hand is hurting a bit. Flexing my fingers a sharp pain rushes through my thumb.

"Ouch! Oh crap, that hurts."

"Did he touch you?"

"I tried to punch his stupid face, didn't do a good job on it though. I'm too small to do any real damage."

She takes my hand in hers to examine it carefully.

"I don't think anything is broken. We'll put some ice on that when we are home. You shouldn't hit people. That's too dangerous in your condition anyway."

"I'm not sick, just pregnant."

"I don't think it's a good thing you got so agitated. Are you sure that you're okay now apart from your hand?"

I nod my head and close my eyes for a moment. I feel so tired that I manage to drift into a half sleep.

Bella's lips are soft and warm against my temple when she tries to wake me up.

"Hey, sleeping beauty. We're home now."

She carries me all the way to the couch and puts a blanket over me.

"Do you want to sleep some more?"

"No,"

"Fine, then I'll bring you some ice for your hand now. Do you want something to drink?"

"Some milk would be nice."

She plants a kiss on my nose before she goes to get everything from the kitchen. There are some cookies on the tray as well. Oh, I really feel like I should dip some of those into my milk.

"I hate Jasper. He's such a swine."

"Let's not talk about him now."

I clear my throat and when I speak up, I have trouble holding back tears.

"He said that you tried to harm yourself."

Bella's smile freezes on her face. She stands up from the couch and walks over to the window, leaning her face against the glass.

"I don't want to talk about that. Can we pretend Whitlock didn't mention it to you?"

"Kay. If you promise me not to do something like that again. I can't endure the thought of you being hurt."

Sitting down next to me on the couch, she starts rubbing my feet in slow circling movements.

"You have the tiniest feet I've ever seen."

"I'm sure those of the baby will be even smaller."

"They'll better be because otherwise it won't be able to wear the shoes we bought."

"Can we talk about your bottom surgery?" I ask her, taking a sip from my milk.

"What about it? I can't get it without the necessary papers, unless I decide on getting the surgery abroad where it would be cheaper anyway. Then there is you and I don't know how it would change our relationship if I'd undergo that procedure."

I nibble on one of the cookies. It's sweet and tastes a bit like almond and honey.

"Am I holding you back?"

"No. No, you're not. It's not like that. Look, the whole thing with the surgery is complicated. That's such a big thing for me. Like my second birth if you want to see it like that."

"Do you want the surgery?"

"Alice, we're going to have a baby. That's not the right time to spend 15.000 bucks on a vaginoplasty."

"I want you not to think about me for a moment or the baby…or the money. I just want to know if you want to have this surgery or not. I'm trying to figure out how important it is for you."

"It is important. But right now you and the baby are far more important to me. I want to be there for the two of you."

She pulls my shirt up and very lightly her fingertip circles over my abdomen.

"Hey there, little baby. How's it like in there? Warm and comfy, I hope."

I pull her face up to mine and when my lips start moving against hers I feel like finally everything is going to be alright.


	53. Chapter 53

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who helped me to hit the **800****th** review mark. Your support for my little story thrills me beyond words.

FAQ's

Why would Jasper tell Alice about Bella hurting herself?

To make it more obvious to A. how much her girlfriend needs the surgery in order to get some peace of mind.

****53****

My fingers move gently over her abdomen and up to her ribcage before gently gliding down again to the tiny roundness of her middle section. It's so small that probably nobody who doesn't know about the baby would notice it at all.

"Do I look fat?" she asks me, leaning up on her elbows. "I feel bloated."

"Is this some sort of regret about the package of ice cream you had last night?"

"It's not my fault the baby was hungry and it really likes vanilla ice cream."

"I see," I whisper while I continue to caress her abdomen with my fingertips. I wished the baby would kick against my palm but according to the books that will take quite a few more weeks.

"Will you still like me when I'm fat?"

"Alice, stop talking nonsense. I will always love you, no matter how much weight you gain during the pregnancy."

"That's good. Can we have breakfast now? I have a feeling the baby would like some bacon. Oh, yes that would be great."

I kiss her mouth, letting my tongue circle over her lower lip before I slip it into the heat of her sweet mouth.

Very slowly I move my still oily fingers underneath her shirt until I reach her breasts. Her nipples are instantly hard against my fingertips as I roll them over the sensitive tips.

"Seems like someone is hungrier for something else." Alice moans against my neck. Breaking the contact of our mouth she shifts around until I'm flat on my stomach, my beginning erection pressed against the fabric of the mattress.

Then she pulls my shirt up and starts massaging my shoulder blades.

"Oh that's good. Keep going."

The oil is cold when it trickles down on my skin but with the smooth movements of her hands it warms fast. She kneads my tensed muscles and strokes down my spine, caressing my sides until she reaches my lower back.

"You have a pretty ass. Has anyone told you that before?"

"I don't think so but thanks. You make the most random compliments, sweetheart."

Alice chuckles and pulls my shorts down my thighs to throw them carelessly on the ground. Then I feel the oil again. This time it hits directly against the crack of my ass and something like an electric shock spreads through every single cell of my lower body. My cock throbs, my balls tighten and for a split second it's like I can't feel my legs anymore.

"Is this good?" Alice whispers into my ear while her hands cup my backside. Her touch is gentle but every time her small fingers come closer to the middle I tense. There is such a strong tingly feeling in me that makes it unable for me to keep thinking.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No,"

"Try to relax. I want to make you feel good."

Oh baby, you make me feel so much, so very much that I don't even have a name for.

I can hear her reaching for the bottle with the oil again and then very slowly a single finger, slick from the oil glides between my thighs.

"I'm not hurting you. Am I?"

"No," I groan, astound that I manage to speak at all. "It feels good."

Her fingertip circles playfully up and down before she starts focusing her caresses on the rosette itself. When she eventually presses the tip of her finger against it, my legs start trembling.

"You have to tell me when it hurts. Okay?"

I nod my head against the pillow and moan against the soft cotton. My muscles tense up but after a few minutes they relax again as she pushes her finger deeper into me. I've never been touched here. It just seemed so completely out of the question but now that a part of her is inside me I'm starting to grasp a bit more of people's interest in this sort of games. It's like a million; no more like a billion of nerve cells are being stimulated at the very same time. Suddenly the tip of her finger touches something inside me that makes me see flashes of light in front of my closed eyelids. I moan, I quiver and a heartbeat later the spasms of my climax make me ruin the sheets underneath me.

Oh my fucking god.

"Are you alright?" Alice asks me worriedly when it seems to take me longer than usual to come down from the intensity of my orgasm. I've never managed to come like this before, without having my cock touched directly. I think I like this.

"Bella are you okay?"

"I'm good. No need to worry."

I kiss her mouth, pulling back again when I have to catch my breath. Fuck, my heart is racing.

"I want us to stay in bed the entire day."

"Sounds like a pretty good plan. I tell the housekeeper that we'll have breakfast in bed today."

Alice giggles and I pull her close against my side, planting wet kisses down her bare neck.

"Or I could eat you. I bet you taste mighty fine."

Her cell starts ringing on the nightstand and when it doesn't stop after a few moments she grabs it, sitting up straight on the bed to answer it.

"Brandon."

"Oh hi, Rosie!"

"Why I'm so breathless? I …ran up the stairs to get my cell. How's it going?"

"Oh I see. Of course, you can bring her here. Bella and I would love to babysit the little one. Okay, fine. Yes, seven is fine. Bye, Rosie."

I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"We're babysitting Erin? Why?"

"Because Rosie is our friend and she asked me."

"How about asking me first, if I'm okay watching that child?"

"Oh come on. Erin is cute somehow."

You're saying that because she didn't ask you whether you're a boy or a girl. That child is like poison for my barely existing self-esteem.

"Oh Bella, don't make such a face now. We need to practice for the baby anyway."


	54. Chapter 54

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to my amazing readers out there. I'm happy some of you are enjoying my little story here. It's your support that keeps me motivated.

FAQ's

After the surgery, is there still heightened sensitivity down there?

According to the research I've done and assuming that the surgeon doesn't fuck up – yes. Most post-op transsexual women are still able to have orgasms after getting their vaginoplasty.

As always, feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****54****

I force my lips into a smile when I open the door. Emmett grins back at me and for a moment I forget that I'm so shitty nervous about the little one asking embarrassing questions again.

"Hi Bella. Erin, say hi to Bella and Alice."

She waves her hand at me, the plastic bracelets around her little wrist clicking loudly against each other.

"Hello,"

Alice kneels down in front of her and lifts up the little backpack. I notice that there's some Arielle picture on it and suddenly I feel I like Erin a tiny bit more.

"You like mermaids?" I ask her when we walk back into the living room.

"I only like Arielle 'cause she's a princess." Erin tells me, sitting down on the carpet in front of the flat screen. The cat jumps from the couch and rubs his head against her leg.

"Oh she's pretty. What's her name?"

"It's a boy." I almost choke on the word. Why is it always so awkward with this child?

"What's his name?"

"Caius," I mumble, trying to keep my voice from coming out too shrill.

"You have to be careful. He bites."

"He's not going to bite me. He's my friend."

Emmett clears his throat and fumbles around in the pockets of his jacket.

"Thanks for watching her tonight. Erin, you be a good girl, will you?"

"Yes, Emmett. Are you going to pick me up later?"

"Sure, princess."

He turns to me and Alice then. "Don't let her watch TV the entire time."

"Oh, I'm sure we'll find something else to do with her. Do you like painting, Erin?"

"Sometimes,"

"Well, you can come with me. I show you what I paint. Maybe you can help me."

"Kay,"

She follows Alice up the stairs, leaving me and Emmett alone.

"My girlfriend is better with kids than me."

"Erin is a handful. When she and Rosie moved in at my place she didn't even talk to me for about two weeks. Her father that moron had told her some bullshit."

"Oh,"

"It's okay now. I'd still like to rearrange Royce face just for the fun of it but Rosie is not a huge fan of that idea. She thinks that might cause some problems with the custody."

I nod my head and sit down on the edge of the coach, picking one of the pregnancy books up from it.

"A baby? The two of you are planning on having a baby?"

"Alice is pregnant."

"But how?"

I blush and jump up from the couch to put the book back into the shelf.

"It doesn't matter."

"Oh it does. I'm curious. Are the two of you really getting on it like…well, like a guy and a girl."

"Emmett, I really don't feel like talking about that part of my life with you."

"Don't be such a prude. It's just sex. I would tell you all the details about my sex life with Rosie. Because, god damn it, my Rosie is a girl who really know how to—"

"Emmett, just drop it."

He chuckles and I wonder if I could bring up enough strength to hurt him with a punch against his ribs.

"You're not mad at me now? I was just joking."

"It's okay."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Depends,"

"Please, I really need some help with this because Rosie is the most curious woman on earth. So, I can't keep this in our house. She'd find it."

He pulls out a small black box and opens it with a grin on his face.

The ring is pretty. A bright blue sapphire surrounded by several little diamonds.

"Do you think she'll like it?"

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled. You're proposing to her?"

"I want to but I need to find the perfect moment. Can you store the ring here for me for a while?"

I nod my head and take the little box to stuff it underneath some magazines in a drawer.

"Thanks, Bella. I'll pick up the little one later. I hope she behaves."

With that he's gone and I sit down again to wrap my arms around my knees. I can hear Alice and the little one giggling upstairs. Oh yes, she's the one who's good with kids, not me. Alice will be a wonderful mother and me? I don't even know what I'm going to be to it. Everything is so complicated.

Erin walks down the stairs, a drop of blue paint on her left cheek.

"I'm thirsty."

"Do you want some juice?"

"Can I have some coke?"

"Does your mother allow you to drink coke?"

"Hmm,"

I go into the kitchen to get her a glass and something to drink.

"I'm hungry too."

"Do you want an apple?"

"I'm allergic to apples."

"Grapes?"

"Are they with seeds?"

"I think so."

"I'm allergic to those too."

"Do you want a peanut butter sandwich?"

"I'm allergic to peanut butter."

I roll my eyes and lean back against the wall behind me.

"Is there any kind of food you're not allergic to?"

"Ice cream,"

I laugh and pull out some bowls and the family package of vanilla ice cream I bought for Alice.

"Can you ask Alice if she wants to have some ice cream too?"

"ALICE! Alice, do you want ice cream!"

A moment later my beautiful girlfriend rushes down the stairs. I'm sure it's not good for the baby when she runs like that.

"You're having ice cream?"

Erin nods her head and sits down on one of the kitchen chairs.

"Can we watch some TV? I never get to watch TV at home and I don't like the videos my Daddy has at his place."

"Why don't you like them?"

"They are all with the evil woman with the red hair. She makes scary noises. Oh…oh…fuck…me harder!"

"Sweetie, I don't think those are movies for little girls."

"They are all naked in the videos and climb on each other. Why do they do that? And why does the evil woman have what only boys have?"


	55. Chapter 55

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Double update time for you, my lovely readers; I hope you enjoy

FAQ's

How old is Erin?

She's six years old.

Didn't Victoria get a vaginoplasty?

No, she didn't. I don't think the porn industry is very interested in post-op transsexuals.

As always feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****55****

„We need to tell Rosalie about this." Alice whispers nervously while she puts a blanket over the sleeping child. Erin snores and hugs her teddy bear tight against her little chest. She has accepted Alice's explanation about some people being different from others so very easily. I don't think, I could have done that. It's hard enough to explain the existence of people like me to adults. Most people think we're just some perverts who like to dress in women's clothes.

"Bella, we need to tell Rosalie. It's important."

"No, we don't. It would probably make her freak. The little one will forget about stuff."

"I hope so, but her bastard of a father still let her watch some of his porn collection. That's fucking sick."

"I'm sure he didn't mean for her to see _Vixen Vicky's Tranny Pleasures_. God, this is just so incredibly embarrassing. The fact that I know Vicky makes things even worse."

"Are the two of you friends?"

"She's in my therapy group."

"Why does she make porn movies?"

"Because she likes the attention and then there's her boyfriend aka pimp. James has talked her into this crap and I'm sure he wouldn't let her stop even if she wanted to."

"I feel bad for her."

"Vicky is an adult. She can do what she wants."

"We still need to tell Rosie that Erin saw one of the movies. She probably won't let her ex see the kid again."

"Alice, please, this is none of our business."

"But if that was our kid, I would want to know stuff like that, so that I can protect it."

Her hands move down on her abdomen and I place my hand on hers before I kiss her mouth very softly.

"I liked the way you explained things to Erin though. You are good at explaining the most awkward things."

"Must be some of my College courses rubbing off on me,"

"Talking about College; sweetie, you really need to tell your parents about the pregnancy before Esme does it."

"My aunt promised to keep her mouth shut. I don't want to tell my parents. They won't be pleased."

I hug her and plant a kiss on her hair before I start stroking down her back with my fingertips.

"I'm sure, it won't be that bad. You don't have to tell them about me. I can understand that's complicated to explain."

"But they'll want to know who the father is."

"Tell them you don't know him."

"Bella, that's a stupid idea. I don't want them to think I sleep around instead of focusing on school."

The doorbell rings and while Alice goes to open the door I sit down next to Erin on the couch.

"Did I fall asleep?"

"Yes, sweetie but now your Mom and Emmett are here to pick you up."

"I want to sleep here. You let my watch Arielle."

"Sweetie, we're back!"

Rosalie pulls the little one on her lap and plants a kiss on her forehead.

"Oh, you look tired. Did you have fun with Bella and Alice?"

"I made you a picture but Alice says it needs to dry before I can take it home."

"That's nice sweetie. Did she behave?"

"Yes, everything was fine. Did the two of you have a good night out?"

"It would have been better if we hadn't run into this sleaze ball Royce."

"Emmett, stop it, I'm tired of this crap. I left him for you, so get the fuck over it with your stupid jealousy."

"Mommy said fuck."

"Yes, she did."

Emmett grins but when he notices the expression on his girlfriend's he clears his throat loudly.

"She shouldn't have said that. It's an ugly word."

"The evil woman says 'fuck me' too, the entire time, she scares me."

"What evil woman?"

Crap, I don't want to have this discussion. It's so embarrassing and I really don't want to talk about this.

"Kitchen—now." Alice stats pulling Rosalie with her while I lean my head against my hands. My temples throb painfully and I realize that it's probably because I forgot to take my medication on time. I can't even remember the last time that happened to me. When it comes to my estrogen pills I'm like a control freak.

A few minutes later they return and Rosalie's beautiful face is all red, her blue eyes glistening with tears.

"We're leaving."

"Is everything okay, babe?"

"No, it's not. I'm going to call my lawyer first thing in the morning. I won't allow Royce to come near Erin ever again. This sicko! God, I think I'm going to throw up!"

"Mommy, are you angry?"

"No, I'm not. Say goodbye to Alice and Bella. We have to go home now."

"Can't I sleep here?"

"Erin, get your stuff! I said we're leaving!"

"Don't yell at the child. What happened? What did shithead do to make you mad like that?"

"He let her see some of his porn movies! Porn! I mean…like the real hard core stuff. She asked Alice why they were naked in the movie. Oh crap, that's so sick."

"Rose, I'm sorry." I whisper huskily, when I help the little one to collect her dolls from the ground.

"You don't need to apologize. My ex is a swine. I wished he was here right now so that I could scratch out his eyeballs with my own hands. Such a sick swine!"

"Emmett, is Mommy angry?"

"Maybe a bit, princess, we better leave now. Say bye to your babysitters."

"Bye,"

When I close the door behind them, I sigh deeply and sink down to my knees. The headache is so strong now that I have trouble with my eyesight.

"Are you sick? You're all white in the face, almost green."

"Forget to take my hormone pills and now my head is killing me."

"Oh I see."

She rushes to the kitchen and returns with a glass of water and the little jagged pills. How weird is it that this things have so much influence of my life?


	56. Chapter 56

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who read & review my little story here. I love you for your support.

****56****

„I don't know why all of you are starring at me like that now. It's not like I brought that kid to a film location with me."

Vicky's face is pale underneath her freckles. Her lips uncovered with the usual lipstick have a tiny little bruise on the left side.

"If you wouldn't make disgusting movies like that—"

"Then the father of said child would have found something else to rub his dick to. Stop picking on Vicky the entire time. It's not fair."

"Vicky is not the best to judge what's fair or not fair." Erica mumbles between her teeth. I managed to get a seat between Leon and Ben, as far away from her as possible.

"What she does is an insult to all transgender women."

"You're just jealous because nobody wants to fuck that dry little hole of yours."

"Vicky, that's enough now. God, I've been gone for a couple of weeks and you are acting like some teenage brats towards each other." Ben sighs.

"I need a new therapist." I tell them, trying to make my voice sound as casual as possible.

"Why?"

"Well, because there were some issues with the last one. Whitlock offered to sign my surgery papers if I—"

"He offered to sign your papers and you don't want to see him again? Are you fucking stupid!"

"Erica, keep your mouth shut. It's Bella's choice whether she wants to have the bottom surgery or not."

"I hate you, Jake."

"Oh that hurt. Stop sticking your nose into Bella's life like you were her girlfriend or something, for you are not. She's happy with someone else so get the fuck over it."

"I'm trying to help her! This Alice chick is trying to hold her back."

"Alice is not holding me back. She says it's my choice whether I want to get a vaginoplasty or not."

"Bella, what happened with Dr. Whitlock? Did he pressure you into something?"

I swallow a bit from the plastic cup of coffee between my hands before I speak up again.

"He said if I promised him to break up with Alice, he'd sign my papers for that in return."

"For shit?"

"What a bastard!"

"You have to press charges against him, report him to the medical board. People like him need to be stopped."

"I have no proof."

"Damn it."

"Whitlock asked you to leave Alice? Why?"

"Because he wants in her pants, what else? God, Erica, take off your glasses and see the world as ugly as it is. Everything is just about sex."

"Erica is still a virgin. You're scaring her, Leon."

"When are we going to kick this whore out of the group?"

"As long as we're keeping you, she can stay as well."

Erica frowns, crossing her arms in front of her chest. For a moment her eyes meet mine but I quickly look down at my hands.

"If you want me to, I can talk to a lawyer friend of mine about what we can do against Whitlock. Only if you want me to do that, Bella." Ben says.

I nod my head and sigh.

"That would be great."

"Fine, I see you all next time. Try to keep the bitching down then. It's not something I like to see in this room."

Outside on the parking lot Leon grabs my arm to stop me.

"Hey, I just wanted to know what's up with the baby now. You were so agitated about that the last time I saw you."

I pull out the ultrasonic pic Alice's doctor has made during her check-up.

"We're going to keep it."

"You're going to keep what?"

Crap, why does Erica always have to be so incredibly curious. Taking a deep breath, I spill the news to her. Her reaction is exactly as I expected it to be.

"That's just disgusting. No wonder you're having second thoughts about your bottom surgery. You're a freak."

"And you're a stupid, embittered cow." Leon tells her, spitting down on the ground. "I'm off here. Bella, don't take any shit from Miss Neo-vagina. Oh and congrats on the baby. It was a good decision to keep it."

I open the door of my car and tell Erica goodbye. She looks as if she's close to crying.

My cell starts ringing and I feel myself smiling at myself in the review mirror when I see Alice's name on the little screen.

"Hey, my beautiful, are you already missing me?"

"I just wanted to ask how your group meeting has been. Did you tell them about the incident with Jasper?"

"Yes, I did. Ben is talking to a lawyer about that. It will be difficult though to prove anything. It's my word against his."

"But that's so unfair!"

"Alice, please, don't get all agitated again. That's not good for the baby."

"Kay,"

I can hear her slurping on something through a straw before she continues.

"I called Rosie earlier. She is so mad at her ex-husband."

"Understandable. I told the others about that and even Vicky seemed embarrassed about that. She said the videos have a very specific warning on them that they are for adults only."

"Rosie is furious. She says that she never wants to get married again because of all the drama she's having with Royce."

"Oh oh,"

"What? Is something wrong?"

"No, I just think that Emmett won't like hearing this."

"Why? Oh, he's planning on asking her, isn't he? Oh my God, that's so exciting!"

"Yes, he is. You can take a look at the ring. It's in the drawer underneath your Art magazines. I promised to keep it for him until the perfect moment comes."

I can hear her fumbling around a bit in the background before she's back on the phone again a few moments later.

"It's so lovely. I'm sure Rosie will like it a great deal."

"Remember that you can't tell her about it though."

"Sure, baby, I don't have any problem with keeping other's secrets."


	57. Chapter 57

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] I can't tell you enough how much your support for my writing means to me. Without you, I would not be here.

****57****

My hands are sweating when I enter the office of my new therapist. Jake has recommended her to me and I hope that things will work out okay with Dr. Hayley.

She is tall, taller than me although I'm wearing heels today. It's something that makes me instantly like my new therapist. Her curly hair is cropped so short that the ebony colored skin of her scalp shines through it.

"Hi, I'm Zafrina Hayley. It's nice to meet you."

I shake her hand and sit down on the couch in the corner of her office. It is crowded with all kinds of wooden sculptures, making it look a bit more like a museum than the workplace of a psychotherapist.

"Would you like to drink something?"

"No, thank you."

"Fine, then we can get started right away, Miss Swan. Or may I call you Bella if that would be okay with you."

"Yes, sure,"

"Is there a special reason why you wanted to get a new therapist?"

"There were some issues with Dr. Whitlock. Do I have to talk about them?"

"It would make things easier but you only need to tell me what you want to, Bella."

"Then I would prefer not to talk about him. It gets me too agitated. He betrayed my trust."

"I see. Now, let me explain to you how I usually work. You decide what you'd like to discuss with me and I shall see how I can help you. What's the reason why you think you need therapy?"

"I need it in order to get the necessary papers for my SRS."

"Wrong. You need therapy to find out if you really want to have that surgery. It will have irrevocable influences of your further life."

"I want the surgery and at the same time I don't want to get it. It's such a difficult decision. I mean, I wanted to be a woman since I can remember. When I was a little…boy…I asked my mother if God would change me into a real girl if I asked him to do so in my prayers."

"You want to be a biological woman but unfortunately that's impossible. It is normal that you are worried about the operation itself. Can you be a bit more specific about what worries you in detail? Is it the physical pains during the recovery afterwards?"

"I just can't imagine how it will be like. How it will feel like down there after the surgery. "

"You're nervous because you don't know what to expect. That's normal."

"I don't know how it would change my love life because I really like it the way it is right now."

"What would happen if you decided not to have the operation?"

"That would mean I could never be…complete. Does that make sense?"

"It does. Look, you really don't have to be nervous about giving me a wrong answer. This is not a test."

"I wished I could just be normal, so that people could accept me as a woman. That's all I ever wanted."

"How many people are going to see your genitals after the operation?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"You say that you think your acceptance as a woman goes hand in hand with your surgery, yet most of the world is not going to take a look at what's going on between your legs."

"I never thought about that."

"Well, maybe you should. Our time is up now. I shall see you next week, if you feel like it."

She shakes my hand again and guides me outside of her office. Her next patient is already waiting there. It's the little girl I met at my endocrinologist's a few weeks ago.

"Hello, Dana. How's it going?"

"My parents won't let me start with my pills. I hate them. They don't understand that I really need to get some boobs now. It's time."

Zafrina laughs, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder before she pulls her inside her office.

Alice is leaning against my car, licking on a Popsicle when I enter the parking lot.

"Hey there,"

I cup her face between my hands and kiss her cold lips, tasting the fruity sweetness on the tip of her tongue.

"Was your new therapist nice?"

"She's okay."

"What would you like to do with the rest of the afternoon?"

"Can we go to the park? It's such a warm day."

Half an hour later, I'm sitting underneath a tree. Alice's head is resting in my lap. She has pulled her shirt up, and I caress the creamy skin on her abdomen with my fingertips.

"I think the baby likes the sun."

Leaning over, I whisper against her belly button.

"Your Mommy thinks she knows everything you like. She's a smart girl isn't she? I love her so much."

"You are cute when you talk to the baby."

I clear my throat and push a wisp of Alice's hair behind her ear.

"What are we going to tell him or her about who I am?"

"Well, you're Mommy number two of course."

"I wished it was just me and you. When I'm with you I feel like I'm almost normal."

"Almost?"

"Normal women don't have a penis." I tell her, pressing my hands against my groins.

"You know that I love you the way you are. Why can't you do the same? Sometimes we have to accept that we are different."

"I can't do that, baby. I just can't because I hate my body. I've always hated it, even when I was just a little kid."

"I'm sorry. Maybe things would be easier for you if your parents had been a bit more supportive."

"Maybe," I whisper, feeling my throat tightening from tears I try to hold back.

"I know how it is like. I mean, when your parents can't accept you the way you are."

"Well, you can't choose your folks. It's a good thing that the three of us will be our own little family."


	58. Chapter 58

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows kisses to all her lovely readers out there. It makes me so happy that you enjoy reading my little story here.

FAQ's

Is Zafrina transgender?

No, she's not.

****58****

My hands move underneath the fabric of Alice's shirt to caress the silky skin on her abdomen.

"Is the baby hungry again?"

"Maybe a bit,"

I pull her damp hair over her shoulder and press my lips against her neck.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too. You and I will always be together. Right?"

Her mouth is on mine a heartbeat later and when I lift her up on the kitchen counter, I can suddenly hear the key turning in the lock.

"Crap,"

Edward's face turns pink as he enters the kitchen.

"Oh God, I don't need to see this. Alice is my cousin."

"Why do you still have a key? I don't like it when people show up here whenever it pleases them."

"The two of you will be glad that I came here to give you a warning. They will be here in like five minutes or something like that."

"Who?"

"Your parents, Alice."

"Why would they come here to Seattle so unexpectedly?"

"Well, my mother, she kind of accidentally told your mom about you being pregnant."

"Oh fuck. I have to get out of here. Bella, baby, can we leave?"

"Alice, you can't run away from your parents. That's childish."

"But I don't want to hear their—"

The doorbell rings and I pull Alice against my chest, planting a soft kiss on her hair before I open the door. This is going to be awkward. I know it will be.

"Hello?"

"IS SHE HERE? MARY ALICE!"

Crap, he sounds pissed, no wonder Alice didn't want to tell them about the baby.

"Hello, my name is Bella Swan. Why don't we all sit down and try to calm down a bit first?"

"That's a wonderful idea, princess." Edward mumbles before he hugs his aunt. She doesn't look one tiny bit like Alice. She's a blonde and at least double her delicate daughter's weight.

"You're driving like a maniac, Eddie."

"I'm sorry about that. I forgot that you were driving behind me. It's good that you still found your way here."

"Traffic in this town is a nightmare. I don't know why anyone would want to live in this place. Mary Alice, aren't you going to say hello to your mother properly?"

"Hello, mother, how nice to see you,"

Her stepfather crosses his arms in front of his chest and when his eyes narrow angrily, I can't help but take Alice's hand in mine.

She's quivering. Damn it. I don't want her to be afraid.

"Amy, this is your fault. You let her talk you into allowing her to attend this crappy College here instead of staying home."

"But maybe she's in love with the young man who got her pregnant. You and him, you are going to get married, aren't you, Mary Alice?"

"No, mother, I won't marry the baby's father. He doesn't matter."

"He sure does!"

Her stepfather steps closer to Alice and wraps his hand roughly around her arm.

"Ouch! You're hurting me. Let me go."

"You're going to tell your mother the shithead's name right now. "

"You are going to let go of Alice's arm right now. Then you will sit down and talk to your daughter without yelling at her like a civilized person should be able to do. The next time you raise your voice on her or hurt her in any other way, I will kick you out of my house this very moment."

"What business is this of yours?"

Alice starts crying and I pull her on my lap, sitting down on the couch behind me.

"Baby, it's okay. " I tell her. "Everything is going to be fine."

"Sweetie, did he force himself on you?" Her mother's asks her worriedly and her face turns a bit pale.

"No, no I wasn't raped." Alice whispers hoarsely. I hate that she's getting so agitated now. Her parents are giving her a hard time and that mostly my fault.

"She was probably drunk and doesn't remember with whom she ended up. I know how these College parties are like. Drinking and fucking around is all she's probably doing here instead of focusing on her studies. See, that's why we shouldn't have allowed her to attend School in a different State."

"It's not like that. Please, I don't want to talk about the father. He's not going to play a role in the baby's life."

"And how are you planning on raising a child without the father to support you? Because you can be sure as hell that your mother and I aren't going to support you. You made your own bed, darlin'. "

"She doesn't need your shitty money, so don't worry about that. I'm going to help her with the baby. Alice will not need to turn to people who can only pick on her the entire time. I love her and will always be at her side."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. Edward's eyes meet mine and for a split second, his mouth curls up into a smile.

"Bella is right. She and Alice will be wonderful mothers for the little one."

"Are you crazy, Eddie? Two women can't raise a kid together. It's not natural."

"I think they are a cute couple and Bella is one of my oldest friends."

"Eddie, your cousin is about to make herself unhappy. We need to take her back home with us to get some sense into her thick scull."

"Alice is going to stay here in Seattle with me where I can take care of her and the little one." I tell them, pulling Alice even closer against me. No one is going to take her away from me, no one. She's mine.

"Oh Bella, baby, l love you so much."

Alice lips brush against my earlobe and a shiver of pleasure spreads down my spine.

"This is disgusting! What the hell is going on between the two of you? Mary Alice, I told you this lesbian nonsense needs to stop. It's against God's holy law."


	59. Chapter 59

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight belong to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you who take the time to read and review. Your support is everything to me.

****59****

„Alice, you need to try calming down a bit. Look, your hands are still trembling."

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her tightly against my chest.

"Breathe. Everything is going to be okay."

"I can't believe you kicked my parents out."

"Sweetie, I'm sorry about that but I couldn't just let them sit here and throw those crappy reproaches at you. I will not allow for anyone to hurt you."

"But now they hate me!"

Her lower lip quivers and when her beautiful eyes turn glassy with tears I feel a sharp pain around my chest. It hurts me that she's so upset about this.

"Is there anything I can do for you, baby?"

"Can you just hold me?"

"Sure,"

"Our baby is not going to have any grandparents."

"I know. I wished things were different. If you hadn't fallen in love with someone like me, all of this wouldn't have happened."

"Bella, it's not your fault."

"Oh yes, it is. If I wasn't transgender, you wouldn't be pregnant now. Your parents wouldn't be throwing a tantrum because you refuse to tell them about who is the father of the child."

She nods her head and sniffs, blinking away some tears.

"I love you. I could never regret that I've fallen in love with you. You are amazing. I've never felt so very loved and cherished before in my life. And the way you fight to become the person that you want to be. I'm so very proud of you."

"Alice,"

Her mouth is on mine and I part my lips, letting her tongue glide between them. The kiss is slow. I can taste the tears, her lip balm and a bit of the chamomile tea I made for her. I want to drown in her and never come up to the surface again.

"Make love to me. I need to feel you."

"Baby, you're still so agitated. I don't know if it's good when we—"

"Shhh, don't worry about me."

She guides my hands to her breasts and I rub the soft mounds with my fingers, feeling the nipples getting hard against them.

Our clothes land on a messy pile next to the couch. Maybe we should take this upstairs to the bedroom?

I lift her up and when she locks her slim thighs around my waist, she moans into my mouth. Her wetness coats my twitching cock as I rub my length up and down her slick inner lips.

With ease I glide into her entrance, my eyes rolling back in my head when her inner muscles tense around me like a tight glove.

"Tell me you love me." she whispers, when I start thrusting into her. I try to go slow because I want to make this last as long as possible.

"Baby, I love you more than my life."

When I feel her fingers circling down the crack of my ass, I stiffen for a moment.

"You like me touching you here, right?"

"Yes,"

"I wished I could take you there, like you're taking me right now."

"Shit, Alice. You're going to make me come when you tell me stuff like that."

"I want you to come. Let go. I know you're trying to hold back."

"You talk too much."

I kiss her lips, trying to silence her with suckling gently on the tip of her velvety tongue. My fingertips find her pulsing clit to rub it gently.

She shudders underneath me and when her inner walls tighten against me, I lose myself. With a loud moan, I come deep inside her. The pleasure of my climax ripples through my body, leaving me breathless.

"Don't leave me. Promise me you'll never leave me again."

"Alice, I won't go anywhere. Please, stop worrying about that."

I grab a blanket from the floor and wrap it carefully around us. I don't want her to get cold.

"I need to drop out of College. My stepfather made it pretty clear that I can't expect any more financial support from him and my mother."

I wonder if she'd be okay with me paying for her education. I would do it anytime but I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable with this.

"I don't know why he hates me so much. He always loved my little sister Cynthia way more than me. Even before I told him I'm gay. I was always the black sheep of the family."

"He's an asshole. What happened to your real father?"

"Mom said he died when I was three. It was a car accident. I can't even remember him properly."

"I'm sorry about that." I tell her, blowing a kiss on her curly hair. I wonder if the baby will look much alike her. I hope it does. I was an ugly child. Well, Brian was an ugly child. I hate looking at his pictures. That's so painful.

"I miss my Dad, but it's okay. It was a long time ago." she whispers, cuddling her head against my naked chest.

"I don't want to know how your parents would have reacted if they'd found out I'm the one who got you pregnant."

"I think my Mom would have fainted. I don't think she knows such a thing like trans-sexuality exists. She and my stepdad are very religious since he came back from Iraq. Their entire house is crowded with crucifixes and little figures of saints."

"I see. I don't think Charlie cares too much about religion but he still thinks me a freak of nature."

"I wished he could see how wonderful you are. What a wonderful daughter he could have in you."

"Baby, there is no use talking about things that will never change. At least my mother is talking to me on the phone again. She's trying to accept my transition but it's difficult for her. She has lost her son and it's like I'm the person who took him away. For Renee, I made Brian disappear. It's like he's dead now and vanished from the surface of this earth without leaving anything behind."


	60. Chapter 60

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for taking the time to read my little story here. Your support makes me feel so very loved as an author.

FAQ's

How many chapters are there going to be?

Puh – that's a difficult question. I totally suck at out-lining and have no clue how many more ideas with float my brain for this story.

How far along is Alice now?

She's sixteen weeks pregnant now. Soon we're going to find out the sex of the baby.

****60****

"You have some paint on your nose." I tell her when Alice sits down on the ground next to me.

"And you have some in your hair." she whispers with a smile on her beautiful face.

"At least we're finished now. Do you think the baby will like orange?"

"In the book it said that newborns like warm colors because they remind them of their time in the womb."

"I see."

Lifting up her shirt, I press my lips against the skin underneath her belly button.

"I hope you appreciate it that I'm ruining my hair to make your room pretty."

"Can I get a kiss too?"

I don't break the contact of our lips when I pull her with me into the bathroom. Underneath the shower I massage some fruity scented body wash all over her body. Her small breasts seem fuller now, her stomach slightly rounded with the baby under her heart. I love her so very much. I love both of them so very much.

Sinking down on my knees, I part her thighs and run my tongue up and down between her most intimate parts. She groans, fisting her hands into my soaked hair as I close my lips gently around the pearl of her clit to suck on it. Then I move my tongue lower, thrusting into her slick heat while my thumb draws circles over her clit. She comes hard. It's like her wetness pours like a tart liquid honey pours into my mouth and I drink it down thirstily.

When I wrap a towel around her a few moments later, she's still panting.

"I love you, baby. I can't even tell you how much better my life is now that you're a part of it."

She leans my head against my chest, her tongue lapping up the droplets of water. I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and close my eyes. Her lips leave a trail of invisible fire wherever she touches my skin.

I press my lips against each other to hold back a moan as I feel the tip of her tongue swirling over the head of my length.

"Is this good?"

"Yes…oh…fuck…Alice…you're driving me crazy."

She lowers her mouth, sucking me deeper into her mouth with every of her movements. I hit the back of her throat and she gags. I caress her head as she pulls back a bit, letting her tongue glide down my length from the head to the base. Round and round her tongue moves gently, teasing me until I feel my balls tighten with the beginning spasms of my climax.

"Stop, baby, you need to stop or I'm going to…oh fuck…,"

I shudder and try to pull back but her hands cup the cheeks of my ass, scratching my skin with her fingernails to keep me where I am. I can't hold back. It's too much. The sensations cloud my mind as my orgasm ripples through my body. I can feel Alice swallowing around me.

She chokes a bit and releases my softening cock from the wet heat of her mouth.

"You didn't need to do that." I tell her breathlessly.

"I know." she whispers. "But I wanted to."

I grab the oil from the shelf and start to massage it carefully into the skin on her abdomen.

"You look pregnant."

"Am I fat?"

"No, you're not. The cat is fat. I need to start feeding him some diet food."

"The poor thing. Can we stay home tonight?"

"We're supposed to meet Emmett and Rosalie for Dinner."

An hour later, when we enter the restaurant Rosie wraps her arms around me, planting a kiss on my cheeks before she places her hand on Alice's abdomen.

"It's starting to show. How are you feeling?"

"Hungry. I'm always hungry."

"That's normal."

We sit down and I wave my hand at the little one who is nibbling on a breadstick.

"Hi, Bella. How is Caius?"

"I think he misses you. Maybe your Mom will allow you visit me and Alice again."

"My Mommy is a slut."

"Erin, for fucks sake!"

The little girl cringes when she sees the angry expression on Emmett's face. Rosie looks as if she's about to start crying any second.

"Erin, sweetie, you shouldn't use words like that. It's not nice to say that about your Mom."

"But my Daddy says Mommy is a slut. He says Mommy is the biggest slut ever."

"Erin, please stop repeating everything your father tells you." Rosie whispers nervously.

"Her Daddy will soon learn how to walk with crutches. I'm done with all the crap he's pulling. Someone needs to teach this loser a lesson."

"Emmett, please calm down. It's okay. My lawyer has contacted his and next week we'll have a meeting to discuss the custody thing again."

"He can discuss things with my fist. I bet that would be a short conversation."

"How can someone talk to a fist?"

"Erin, honey, why don't go over there and watch the fishes in that aquarium over there. Maybe they have one that looks like Nemo from the movie we watched?"

"Yes, Mommy,"

She stands up from her chair and when she's out of sight, Rosalie smacks Emmett against the back of his head.

"You're stupid. Stop talking stuff like that when she can hear you. Everything is difficult enough right now. I wished I had never agreed to marrying Royce. He's acting like an asshole and I will always be connected to him because we have Erin together. Do you think I enjoy talking to him?"

"Babe, you only have to say the word and he'll be living on pureed food the next weeks."

"I bet that won't make his tofu stuff taste any better."

He laughs and pulls her face to his to kiss her lips so passionately that they drop the basket with the breadsticks from the table.

A loud shrill scream echoes through the entire restaurant a moment later, making Rosie jump from her chair.

"Mommy! Mommy! The evil woman is here!"


	61. Chapter 61

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for your support. I always look forward to reading your thoughts.

**FAQ's**

Will we ever meet Royce?

Yes, we will. I don't think that is going to make anyone like him more, but who knows?

Is there a reason why Royce keeps calling his ex-wife ugly names?

I don't think there is a reason to treat the mother of your child like that but from Royce perspective – yes, there is. His wife cheated on him with some dimple-faced guy that shall not be named here.

****61****

James laughs. He laughs a deep guttural laughter that is simply annoying. God, I can't stand this man. He's a sicko and treats Vicky like his personal slave.

"Stop that." Vicky snarls at him. "Just stop that. You're embarrassing me."

Erin has stepped backwards and I kneel down next to her while her mother wraps her arms around the small shoulders of the girl.

"Sweetie, it's okay." Rosie reassures her, caressing the curls on her head.

"I'm scared. She's the evil woman from the movie."

"You don't have to be afraid, Erin. That's just my…friend...Vicky. She's nice. Do you want to say hi to her?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you want to say hi to my dog?" Vicky asks her, pulling the black pug out from underneath their table.

"Oh it's cute. Hi doggy! Mom, can I pet it?"

"You have to ask Vicky. That's her dog."

"Vicky, can I?"

"If you want to."

"Yeah, let her, Vic, but make sure he doesn't bite her. Laurent is the stupidest dog on earth. No wonder that Russian chick didn't want to keep him."

"Keep your mouth shut, James. I don't know why you always have to be like that. Erin, he doesn't bite. He just can't stand James because he's not good with dogs."

The little dog growls when James reaches out his hand to touch its head.

"Stupid thing, I should drown you in the toilet."

"Leave him alone." Vicky says angrily.

"You keep your mouth shut and stop telling me what to do. One could think you're on your period or something but of course we know that's impossible."

He chuckles again, takes a sip from his wine and grabs his cigarettes.

"You should eat up. We have another movie shooting for you later tonight and you'd better make a decent job on it."

With that he stands up and walks out of the restaurant to smoke. For a split second his blue eyes meet mine and he smirks, licking his bottom lip. Vicky has told me several times, he'd like to hire me for one of their disgusting movies.

"Can he eat bread?" Erin asks Vicky. "I want to give him some."

"Yes, that's okay. Laurent likes bread. You just have to dip it into butter before."

Rosie clears her throat and reaches out her hand.

"I'm sorry that my daughter made such a scene when she saw you. She's just pretty irritated. My ex let her accidentally watch one of your…movies. Fuck, Royce. He's such a swine."

"Royce? You're not talking about Royce King, are you?"

"The very same, I'm afraid. How do you know him?"

"Well, he's the president of my online fan club."

"Shit."

"You have a fan club?"

"You could have one too if you'd give your movie career a chance."

"I think I can do fine without that."

"Yeah me too but now it's too late anyway. Who would hire someone like me in a regular job? Well, it doesn't really matter."

She sips on her wine and for a moment her eyes become glassy.

"I have to leave now. James is already waiting outside."

We return to our own table and Alice squeezes my hand underneath it when I place mine on hers.

"Can we order now? I'm starving."

"Yes, Emmett. Erin, do you want to have spaghetti?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Sweetie, you need to eat something."

I don't feel much like eating myself and so Alice ends up eating half of my steak on top of her fish. Fish is obviously healthy for the baby. I order some ice cream for dessert because I know she likes eating that.

Emmett talks a lot, making some snappy comments about a boxing match he's going to hold in his club next weekend.

"I can't wait to see those pussies in action. Jake has such a big mouth but Leon is way better with his fists. She…I mean he has small hands but a mean left hook."

"You're going to let them fight against each other?"

"It'll be fun."

"But they could hurt each other."

"Oh Bella, don't worry. I'll even have doctor present in case one of them breaks a fingernail or something."

"They are aggressive enough without this fighting nonsense."

"I'm helping them to become real men. Leon better punch someone in the ring instead of losing his temper on the street."

"Maybe,"

"They need to get laid, especially Jake. You should see how he stares after those chicks in their little lycra-nothings that do this yoga crap courses my trainer Kate holds."

"I think it's difficult for him to get to know someone. I mean, it's difficult for people like us to find someone."

Alice sighs, wiping her mouth with her napkin before she wraps her arm around me and pulls me closer.

"Hey, you have me now."

"I know."

"Can I get a kiss?"

"If you ask for it,"

I smile and press my lips tenderly against hers, losing myself in the warmth of her embrace. I love this woman so very much. I will never let her go. She's just everything to me.

"Why are they kissing?"

"Because they like to, sweetie; do you remember how I told you that some girls like girls better than boys?"

"Yes, Mommy."

Alice pulls one of the ultrasonic pictures out of her handbag and hands it to Rose who seems like the first person to me who is able to see an actual human being in it.

"See that's the spine. That's an arm and this here is…,"

"Just another little white dot. Babe, you're just making up that you know what is what."

"I love babies. Erin was such a cute one."

"Do you want to have another one?"

"With you?" she asks, sounding surprised. "You're asking me if I want to have a baby with you?"

"No, with the guy who delivered that new flat screen last week. He seemed to like you. Of course with me or do you have another boyfriend that I should know about."


	62. Chapter 62

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N]

Thanks for your amazing support. I always look forward to reading your thoughts. There won't be any updates for the next few days because I have some health issues to deal with and writing doesn't actually help getting my typist's neuritis better.

Sorry, for messing up the Royce thing. I totally forgot that I had already introduced him at Ben's wedding.

**FAQ's**

Do you write these chapters in advance or do you post them on the day you write?

Write and post. I have some key-points in the story that I write towards, if that makes any sense but I don't have everything planned out.

Does Erin have some kind of developmental delay?

No, she doesn't. I just suck at portraying kids.

Can Emmett kill James?

Why should he? I think he'd rather like to murder his girlfriend's ex-hubby.

As always feel free to ask me questions should you have any.

****62****

_Alice_

I turn around again, making sure that no one is behind me before I enter he small shop at the corner of the street. My heart is racing and I'm sure my face is flushed into the brightest pink under the Sun as I open the heavy door and step inside.

At the front, arranged on neatly piles are videos with people in all kind of fucking positions on them. I walk past them, over to the shelf with the toys. Taking one green colored vibe in my hands, I almost drop it when it starts humming louder than an old mowing machine.

"Can I help you, Missy?" a deep voice asks me from behind. Quickly, I put the vibe back into the shelf. The woman who is dresses in an old-fashioned flower-print dress smiles warmly at me. She looks more as if she's about to sell me cookies and milk instead of sex-toys.

"Are you looking for anything in specific?"

Nodding my head, I swallow twice before I whisper nervously. "I want to surprise me girlfriend."

"Oh that's nice. What are you looking for? Maybe you'd like to try some double-dildos? I know lots of lesbian couples who like them a lot."

"No," I mumble, clearing my throat. "I'd like to have such a thing with a belt. I saw one on the Internet but I've forgotten what it was called."

"You mean a strap-on?"

"Yeah,"

She grabs my hand and pulls me to the other side of the shop. There she kneels down and hands me a black leather-belt with an attached grey colored dildo on it.

"I think that is what you were looking for, isn't it?"

"I think so. Can you…can you use that for anal sex too?"

"If you use enough lube with it, sure why not. Do you want me to show you some?"

I nod my head, pressing my cheek against the wall next to me. This is so embarrassing. Maybe I should have just ordered this toy stuff online.

"Do you want some flavored one?"

"Flavored?"

"Yes, we have cherry and pineapple and—"

"Thanks, but I think I just take some regular one. How much does the strap-on cost?"

I swallow hard when she tells me the price and pull out my emergency credit card. In theory I'm only supposed to use it for school stuff but as my parents are not planning on supporting my education any further, I feel like I should use the little time I have with it for things I want.

"Have fun," the woman tells me cheerfully before putting the toy and the lube into an unimpressive white plastic bag.

During my ride back home, I sing to the music on the radio, caressing my rounded middle with my fingertips.

Cynthia has told me that no one can endure the sound of my singing voice without getting some ear damage but I've read that unborn babies like listening to their mother's voice.

When I park the car in front of the house Bella is standing in the doorframe, talking to Jake. He has a big bruise above his left eye and is pressing a package of frozen peas against it. I hug my lovely girlfriend and plant a tender kiss on her warm lips before I turn to Jake.

"Hey there, what happened to your face? Did someone hurt you?"

"It's no big deal, Alice. I tried to improve Leon's low self-esteem and let him win a training session."

"This boxing is such a stupid idea. Please, stop with it before one of you gets dangerously injured."

"Ah, Bella, princess, no need to worry, I'm not planning on knocking Leon unconscious."

"Why do you have to fight at all?"

"To make a point,"

"For what?" I ask him, trying to hide the plastic bag with the sex-toy behind my back.

"We want to do it because boxing in an honorable sport for _men_."

"I see,"

He waves his hand at us and walks over to his black Harley.

"Are you sure you can drive?"

"Bella, I told you it's not a big deal. I barely felt the punch."

"Great, take care, Jake. We see you on Saturday. I'll bring some more ice for your face."

"Oh Bella, please…,"

With that he drives off and a low chuckling noise leaves her throat.

"You should have seen him half an hour ago. He whined like a toddler and almost made me drive him to the hospital to check if he had a concussion."

"I don't think, I'd enjoy it very much to watch Jake and Leon beat the crap out of each other."

"You don't need to come with me, if you don't want to. We can meet afterwards to go dancing or something. I know you'd like to do that."

"Dancing sounds way nicer than boxing,"

"Maybe because dancing is for girls although I have to admit that I'm not very graceful."

"I'm sure you're a wonderful dancer." I tell her, kicking off my shoes to dance some circles all around the living room.

"What did you buy… some new clothes for the baby? I thought we wanted to wait until your doctor tells us the sex."

"It's not for the baby," I say in a small voice. "I bought something just for us."

"Let me see."

"Wait, I want you to know that if you don't want to use it with me, I can still return it. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything."

"Alice, sweetie, just show me what you bought."

I hand her the plastic bag and sit down on the couch, feeling my face flame again with embarrassing heat.

"A strap-on? You went to a sex-shop? For shit?"

"Yes,"

She pulls out the lube and places it on the table in front of us before wrapping her arms around me.

"I didn't know you were this bold? What did you buy the strap-on for?"

"You," I whisper, speaking against the fabric of her blouse. "I want to take you with this the next time we make love."


	63. Chapter 63

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Blows confetti into the air! I'm beyond thrilled to hit the 1k review mark. It makes me feel incredibly loved as an author. I'm thankful for all of you who have fun with my little project here.

**FAQ's**

Didn't Alice have a strap-on in the beginning of the story?

Nope. She brought one with her from Paris at the beginning at WTHN. God, how much I miss that story...

As always, feel free to ask questions should you have any.

****63****

The remaining droplets of water from our joined shower trickle down on her body. They make me want to lick each single one off from her bare skin. When I lean forward and swirl just the tip of my tongue around the rosy peak of her left breast, she whimpers.

"Bedroom, now."

I lift her up and rub the slickness between her thighs all over my length. There is some instinctive urge inside of me that makes me want nothing more than to push up into the tight wetness of her sex.

But today I want things to go into a different direction. New things frighten me while on the other hand the thought of what my beautiful girlfriend has suggested doing to me excites me so very much.

"Are you scared?" she asks me when I lay down next to her on the bed. My fingers caress the damp hair on her head. I love her so much it hurts.

"Just a bit nervous," I mumble, twisting one of her curls around my forefinger to pull her face close enough that I can kiss her lips.

"I won't hurt you. Do you remember the first time we made love? How I trusted you not to hurt me."

"Yes, baby."

I turn around on my stomach, pressing a soft pillow against my erection while Alice starts blowing feather light kisses down my spine.

"I want you to do the same for me. I want you to trust me. I would never hurt you. You know that, right?"

Slowly I turn my head to the side and nod.

"I know you wouldn't hurt me. I'm just tensed because I don't know what to expect."

"We'll just try this and if you need me to stop, if you want me to stop, no matter when you just tell me, okay?"

"Yes,"

She kisses me right underneath my earlobe and starts moving her way down my back, massaging my muscles and stroking down my spine until her fingertips reach the cheeks of my backside.

I can hear her fumble around with the lube on the nightstand and a moment later a slick finger glides over the crack of my ass.

The feeling is tingly and pleasant, sending instantly waves of pleasure throughout me.

When her fingertip rubs small circles around the puckered hole I groan against the sheets underneath me. I love being touched here by her. It's so intense. I like that she's so gentle, it's such an incredible turn-on.

"I want you to know how it's like for me when you are inside me." she says, when the tip of her finger eventually pushes through the tight ring of muscles.

I tense, feeling myself cramping around her finger for a moment until I manage to take a deep breath and relax again.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No,"

She squeezes some more of the lube over my skin, coating her finger in it when she pulls it out. When she carefully pushes it in again, it glides better. More lube, we definitely need more lube for this.

"Better like this?"

"Yes, oh…fuck….this is good…so good." I can feel my legs starting to tremble as her finger and a second one glide deeper into me, stretching my inner muscles, preparing me for the next part to come.

When Alice pulls back after a couple of minutes, I'm close to coming. My cock throbs and the need to wrap my hand around it is almost unbearable. I don't want to do it. I want to come from just the touch of Alice's fingers on my ass. I want to come while she takes me, while she's the one in control of my pleasure. It makes me feel so cherished, so very loved and in a strange way so utterly female. I want her to take me. I want to have this with her.

She pushes my long hair over my shoulder and presses her lips underneath my earlobe, tickling the sensitive spot there with her tongue.

"Do you want to take a look at me with a cock? You have to promise me not to laugh."

I sit up on my heels, blinking a bit from the rest of mascara that is smeared into my eyes.

Alice looks hot with the belt adjusted around her hips. I look up at her breasts and the slightly rounded middle until I dare to focus my eyes on the plastic dildo between her legs.

"You're beautiful." I whisper breathlessly. Then I grab the bottle with the lube from the nightstand and squeeze a gracious amount of it on my hands before I coat the toy in a thick layer of it.

Alice kisses my mouth tenderly before she asks me shyly to get up on my knees. I can feel the tip of the toy rubbing against the rosette of my ass while Alice's hands grab my hips to keep her balance.

"I'll go slow." She murmurs against my neck as she leans over me, her soft breasts pressing against my back.

When the tip of the toy glides into me, the stinging burn makes me quiver.

"Too much?"

"Just wait, give me a minute."

She pulls out a bit to push back deeper into me after a few moments. Back and forth she rocks her hips, moaning softly into my ear until she eventually stills completely. The unfamiliar feeling of fullness is overwhelming. I can barely manage to keep myself upright. Then she starts thrusting into me, rubbing the top of the toy against a spot in me that somehow seems to have a direct connection to my neglected cock.

I whimper, my voice a raspy groan deep within my throat as the waves my climax rock though me, making me collapse on the now ruined sheets on the bed.

Alice mouth is on mine a heartbeat later, her tongue pushing into my mouth while I wrap my legs around hers, to get her sweat-covered body as close to mine as possible.

"I love you, baby. You're amazing."

"Was that good for you?"

"You are good for me." I whisper, nuzzling my face against the crock of her neck where I inhale the intoxicating scent of her skin and almost immediately drift into sleep.


	64. Chapter 64

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I'm always looking forward to reading your thoughts on my little story here.

****64****

It feels strange having Alice next to me on the couch in my new therapist's office. I place my hand on hers and circle my thumb over her wrist. Her skin is warm and I want to lift her fingers to my lips and kiss each single one of her knuckles tenderly. Such a beautiful being and she belongs to me, just me.

Zafrina clears her throat and takes a sip from the milkshake in front of her, slurping it loudly through a straw.

"I'm sorry, but I'm starving. I had to skip my lunch break for an emergency session with another of my patients."

"It's okay. I don't mind." I tell her, unable to keep my eyes away from Alice's rounded middle. She really looks pregnant now. Maybe it's the blouse she's wearing.

"You seem a little tensed today, Bella. Does it make you feel uncomfortable that I asked you to bring your girlfriend with you today?"

"I can wait outside until you're done. It's not a big deal." Alice offers and I can hear the insecurity in her light voice. She wants to be here with me. I just don't get why.

"Stay," I whisper eventually. "I don't have any secrets from you."

"May I ask you how long you've been together? Before you started the transition process?"

"No, we've been together for just a few months."

"It feels longer to me somehow." my beautiful girlfriend tells Zafrina cheerfully.

"How do you feel about your girlfriend being transgender?"

"This is a weird question. I mean, I love Bella. She's the person I want to be with."

"Have you been in a relationship with a transgender person before?"

"No,"

"She's amazing. I can't believe someone as wonderful as her would want to be with a freak like me."

"Stop calling yourself a freak, you know I can't stand that."

"So, you think yourself not good enough for Alice. Why do you feel that way?"

"Things would be easier if I was a normal woman."

"How so?"

"Firstly, I get starred at a lot because I'm pretty tall for a…woman and once people figure out what I am, most of them are disgusted. I don't want Alice to suffer because she's with someone like me. Then, secondly and that's way worse, I got her pregnant. We're going to have a baby. Which normal lesbian couple has a child that is the biological result of their sex life?"

Alice's face flames and she quickly leans forward and pretends to admire one of the wooden figures on the floor next to us.

"You use the word normal as if it holds some unearthly value. Normal women, normal lesbians—"

"But I want to be normal."

"I know, Bella. The thing is that you need to accept that things are different for you."

"I just want to be normal."

"Why?"

"I want to be happy."

"So, you're unhappy now?"

"Yes…no. Well, there is Alice and being with her makes me happy. I'm happy that we're going to have a child. I love placing my hand on Alice's stomach and feel how it grows bigger every day."

"See, you're not completely miserable. I'm getting the impression that you have some unrealistic expectations on what you consider normal."

"I don't understand."

"But you will. I make you understand. It just may take a while but we have time to get there."

"Are you going to sign the papers for Bella's surgery then?"

"Do you want her to get the vaginoplasty?"

"I want whatever makes Bella happy. I hate that others decide what is right for her. It's her body."

"I don't decide for her. I just want to make sure that she's sure about her decision. There is no turning back once the procedure is over."

"I know."

"Do you want to have the surgery, Bella?"

"I want it but I'm scared."

"Maybe you're still insecure and you're saying you're scared because that gives you more time to re-think your opinion on the subject."

"I'm scared that it would change things between me and Alice."

"Sexually? You mentioned that in our last session."

"You're discussing our sex life with her? That's embarrassing."

"Does it make you feel uncomfortable?"

"Yes, it does, a lot."

"Sexuality is an important part of my therapy work. I assure you that I don't ask your girlfriend here about what is going on between the two of you. That's your business. I just need to know if you are content with how things are like."

"Everything is fine. No need to worry."

"Do you think you'd still like being with Bella if she had her SRS?"

"I think so. I mean, she'd still be my Bella afterwards. Right?"

"Yes, she'd still be Bella. She'll always be the same person, no matter what kind of genitalia she has."

"But I'd be different then. I can't imagine how it will be like to feel with a vagina. What if I don't feel anything down there at all after the surgery?"

"The chances for that to happen are very small. Most post-op trans women are still able of experiencing sexual pleasure and even orgasms after the surgery."

"That's good to know."

"If you wouldn't be in a sexual relationship with Alice would you want to get the operation?"

"Yes, yes, I would want to have it. The bottom surgery was my main goal when I started with my transition. I hate the thing down there."

"Do you like it better since you have a girlfriend?"

"No. I just like our sex life. I love sleeping with Alice. I don't like that I have a penis. It's wrong. It feels wrong. God, I'm not making any sense to myself."

"Do you feel guilty because you enjoy having sex with your…how shall I say it…manly parts?"

"Yes, that pretty much sums it up." I admit, unable to look my therapist in the eyes. Alice is right. This is embarrassing.

"I want you to close your eyes for me, Bella. Tell me what you want your body to be like."

"Normal," whisper nervously. "I want my body to be like that of a normal woman."


	65. Chapter 65

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for you encouraging support. I love reading your thoughts on my little story here. So, keep them coming.

****65****

Alice is too quiet and during the entire ride to the hospital, I wait for her to say something. It was probably a bad idea to let her take part in my therapy session. This psycho crap is frightening somehow.

"I'm holding you back."

I shrug and step on the breaks so abruptly that my seat belt cuts painfully into my shoulder.

"No,"

"Yes, I am. If you weren't with me, you wouldn't think twice about whether to get or not get your bottom surgery. I'm messing up your life."

"Alice, this is not true." I protest, trying to keep my voice calm. "You're not messing my life up. My life was no life before I met you. Maybe I would have gotten my surgery sooner but my life is without meaning when I don't have you to share it with."

"I hate the horrible things you said about yourself at Zafrina's office so much." she croaks out hoarsely before she bursts out into tears.

I pull the car over to the side and wrap my arms around my quivering girlfriend. Fuck, Zafrina and her stupid ideas. Now, Alice feels bad because of my crappy situation. I don't want her to be sad.

"Baby, please, calm down. It's okay. This is not your fault. You're not holding me back. Please, stop thinking stuff like that."

She sobs and I hold her in my arms until she has no more tears left to cry.

"If I wasn't—"

"But you are. I'm happy that you are part of my life. I love you. It's just that I can't love myself while I'm trapped in this prison that is my body."

"I don't know what to do. It hurts me so much that you hate yourself."

"Baby, please. This is not about you. This is about me, just me."

"See? I'm holding you back. I and the baby, we're just a burden for you. We keep you from becoming…normal."

"No, you're not. I love you. I love our baby. The two of you are my family now."

I pull Alice on my lap and nuzzle my face into the silky mess of curls on her head.

"I want you to get that surgery, so that you can be happy."

"Alice, we can't spend so much money on me now when we're having a baby."

"But I want you to be happy. I can't endure the thought of you being unhappy with yourself."

I swallow hard and wipe a bit of smeared eye make-up from Alice's cheek. Then I lean forward and plant a few soft kisses all over her pretty face.

"You make me happy and as much as I want the surgery, I want to be with you more. You and our baby, that's what's important to me now."

"Do you think we'll have more money for the surgery when the little one is born?"

"That depends on if you keep on ordering so much clothes for it online."

"The baby needs something to wear."

"I know. The stuff you bought is cute. You can use my card as much as you want."

"Bella, you shouldn't have said that. I feel bad for spending your money."

"It's fine. Don't worry about that. You're right. The baby needs some clothes."

When we enter the hospital half an hour later, we're already late for her appointment. The nurse, who takes her blood pressure, is a nervous little thing with huge fearful looking eyes. It's her first day and she's terrified to do anything wrong.

"The doctor will see you soon. Can you put this paper gown on? They said you are supposed to wear it for the examination."

"Thanks," she murmurs, disappearing behind the curtain on the left side of the room.

"Are you going to stay here?"

"Is there a problem with that?"

"No, no, I don't think so. I'm sorry. You can stay with your girlfriend if you want to. I'm sorry. I was just trying to make some small talk."

"I'm not very good at that myself."

She smiles, her cheeks blushing a bit before she speaks up again.

"You're a nice couple. It's so difficult to find someone who you can be yourself with."

Crap, is she trying to flirt with me? No, why would she?

"Don't look at me, Bella. I look ugly."

I kiss Alice's lips a bit longer than I would usually do it in front of other people but I feel like I need to make it clear to the nurse that I'm not interested in her. Alice is the only woman I want to be with.

"Hello Miss Brandon. How are you feeling today?"

"Excited. You promised me to tell me the sex this time. Do you remember?"

"We'll see. Now, lean back and try to relax."

The gynecologist pulls up the paper gown and squirts a bit of a clear gel on Alice's stomach.

A few moments later some blurry black and white pictures appear on the little screen next to us.

"The baby is going to be big. Have you decided on how you want to give birth?"

"Normal," Alice states. "I want a normal birth because that's best for the baby."

"Miss Brandon, I'm not so sure if this is going to work. You're pretty small build and if the baby keeps growing like this, it will be at least nine pounds until you're due."

"But I don't want a caesarian."

"We'll see what we can do. Now, take a look at the little giant inside of you. There's the spine and the legs. Do you see the heart? That's the tiny fluttering dot right here."

"Is it normal that it beats so fast?" I ask her worriedly, unable to keep my eyes from the little screen. This is our baby, the unexpected little miracle of our love. I want to protect both of them so very much.

"Yes, that's fine. No need to worry about it. Your son is a healthy boy."


	66. Chapter 66

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I appreciate your interest in my little story here so much.

****66****

My fingertips circle over the little blue car on my palm while I try very hard to focus on Alice's cheerful babbling. She's so happy that our baby is going to be a boy and is constantly suggesting names to me.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel about the little one's sex. A boy needs a father, or at least some male role model. There is no way I can offer that to the child. Or what if the baby has a penis like me but feels like a girl? What are we going to do if it turns out transgender like me? How will we deal with that?

"Bella, did you hear any of the stuff I just told you?"

"Yes, sure, baby."

"Are you okay? You haven't made any comment on the names I suggested for our son."

"I'm sorry. I was in thoughts."

"Are you disappointed it's not a girl? I think you would have liked that better."

I shake my head and take the little baseball cap and the rest of the clothes she's holding from her.

"I'm a bit worried. A boy needs some kind of father figure and I can't…I just can't be a Dad for him. I just can't. I'm not a man."

She hugs me tightly, fisting her dainty hands into my hair to pull me closer to her.

"You don't have to be anything that you don't want to be. Please, don't worry about that. Our baby is going to have two Mommies that will love and spoil him. If the baby needs a male figure in his life, there's always Edward who could fill that part in little Andrew's life. He'd love being the baby's godfather."

"Andrew? That's how you want to name him?"

"It's just an idea, after my late father, you know. But if you have another name you like, we could use that one."

"We still have some time to decide on that. I'm fine with everything as long as you don't want to name him Brian. That would be too weird."

"I never liked the name Brian too much."

"So, have I." I tell her, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. "Have you found everything you wanted to buy, honey? I don't want us to be late for Jake's and Leon's fight tonight. They are both so excited for it."

"Are you sure they are actually going to fight tonight? The last time Leon cancelled everything in the last minute."

XXXX

My gorgeous girlfriend looks lovely when we enter McCarty's Sport & Spa two hours later. She's wearing a ruby colored dress that hugs her rounded middle beautifully. I can't keep my eyes off of her and when we sit down next to Ben and Angie, I place one of my hands carefully on it.

"Five bucks on Jake." Ben says, lifting his beer to his lips to take a gulp.

"I don't think we should bet on this fighting nonsense. Glorifying violence is just wrong." Alice whispers, squeezing my hand under the table.

"Boxing is an honorable sport." Emmett tells us with a wide grin on his face. "I can't wait for Leon to kick Jake's pussy…I mean his ass, so I say, ten on Leon."

"You're on." Ben mumbles, pulling the bills out of his jacket. "I have faith in Jake. He's stronger than Leon."

"It's about being fast, not strong and Leon is a pretty fast bitch."

"Where is Rosie?" I ask Emmett. "Doesn't she like boxing?"

"She's home with the little one. Erin caught some nasty throat infection. At least she doesn't talk the entire time now. It's nice having a break from that for once."

I can feel Alice stiffen next to me and for a moment I wonder why she's reacting like that. I never tell her that she talks too much sometimes.

"What the hell is she doing here? You didn't tell me she'd come to watch the fight too."

Crap, I totally forgot that Erica was going to be here tonight. Now, Alice is going to be jealous again. I don't want that. Everything is going so well between the two of us at the moment.

"Hi, everyone! How's it going?" Erica greets us cheerfully. She looks happy and relaxed. I don't want to ruin that by asking her to leave. It would be so rude and terribly embarrassing.

"Hello Erica. I want you to keep your hands from my woman unless you wish to lose them. Consider yourself warned." Alice snarls angrily at her.

Erica laughs and plays with the pearl bracelet around her wrist before she speaks up again.

"The fact that such a tiny thing like you is trying to threaten someone like me is beyond ridiculous. But you don't have to worry about me and Bella anymore. My love interest lays elsewhere now."

"You met someone?" Angie asks her curiously. "Where?"

"Online. She just moved to Seattle after spending some years abroad where she got her surgeries. Andrea is a few years older than me but I'm such a sucker for her cute Southern accent. I think this could be real love."

"I'm happy you found someone nice. You deserve to be happy." I tell her, hoping that Alice will relax a bit now. There is no need for her being jealous. I love her and no one else.

"I don't believe her about this Andrea chick. She's probably making her up to lure you in, Bella."

"Who gives a shit whether you believe me or not? I can't stand you anyway."

"Girls, please, don't fight now. I'm sure, Erica isn't lying about her new girlfriend." Angie stats calmly, petting the empty place next to her to encourage Erica to sit down on it.

"How about we all have dinner at our place tomorrow?" Ben suggests. "Erica, you can bring Andrea with you and then Alice will know that you're not trying to steal her lover away from her. Right, Erica?"


	67. Chapter 67

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to those of you who read and review my little story here. Your interest in my work means so much to me. I can't thank you enough for your amazing support.

****67****

„I don't care too much for meeting Erica's cutie." Jake tells me while he rubs his sore jaw with his fingertips. Leon has managed to knock him out last night but Jake still insists that he has just let him win.

"You should go and let a doctor check if you have concussion."

"It's just a little headache, no need to worry. How's the baby doing? Alice looks as if she has some bowling ball underneath her shirt. Her boobs are bigger too. It's hot."

I punch him against his shoulder and growl.

"Never mention my girlfriend's boobs again, if you don't wish to end up with a real concussion."

"Oh we're protective now."

"I mean in, Jake. And yes, she's getting big. The doc says it's going to be a big boy until she's ready to give birth."

"It's a boy?"

"At least that's what her gynecologist told us at her last check-up. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about that. A girl would have been easier."

He frowns and spites on the ground. God, I hate that he can't stop with this disgusting behavior. It's just gross.

"I was a girl and my father would tell you I was a little rebel all the time, always teasing the poor twins."

"He will need a male role model. Alice has suggested that we ask Edward to be his godfather."

Jake nods his head and points over to the polished BMW that drives up the street to Ben's house, whistling loudly.

"I didn't know Erica has such good taste. This car is amazing. I would die to get my hands on something like that."

When a dark-haired woman in an expensive looking white pantsuit steps out of it, followed by a pretty flushed looking Erica, I grin. Now Alice is going to see that she hasn't made up the girlfriend thing.

"Hi, I'm Bella. It's so nice to meet you." I tell her, reaching out my hand to shake hers. There is something about her that seems familiar to me and that's weird.

Andrea smiles warmly and the skin around her grey eyes crinkles into some fine laugh lines underneath the thick layer of make-up. She's wearing too much of it and I assume she'd doing that because she's nervous. Hell, I am nervous when I get to meet new people.

"I'm glad to meet some of Erica's friends. She speaks so highly of you all the time."

We walk inside and I watch fascinated how both, Angie and Rose have their hands on my girlfriend's swollen abdomen.

"Is everything okay?"

"He moved! Well, I think, he moved. Rose, why has it stopped again?"

"That's normal. Trust me in a few weeks you will be glad if the little one stops kicking against your ribs now and then."

I hug Alice from behind and kiss her neck, letting my hands move down her rounded middle.

"Did it hurt when he kicked?"

"No, it didn't. It was just…well, I can't really describe it. I don't have anything to compare it to."

She turns her head and the moment she notices Erica and her partner standing at the door frame, I can feel her stiffen in my arms. It only lasts a moment and then she forces her lips into a shy smile.

"Hi, I'm Alice, Bella's girlfriend, how nice that the two of you made it."

"See, this is my Andrea, in the flesh. I haven't made her up, Alice. Not that your opinion matters anything to me."

"Please, don't be rude to the poor girl. You're embarrassing her."

"Why are you taking her side? She accused me of making up a girlfriend to get into her lover's pants. Not that I ever had any romantic interest in Bella. Right, sweetie, you and I are just friends, aren't we?"

I nod my head and pull Alice even closer to me.

"Whatever friendship means." Alice whispers while she starts biting her lower lip nervously.

Andrea nods her head and sighs deeply. She seems tensed somehow. I wonder what nonsense Erica has told her about Alice. I want the two of them to get along so very much. My few friends are precious to me. They have been there for me when no one else was.

During dinner Erica has a bit too much of wine and starts babbling about her surgery.

"The peeing part was the worst. It burned so horrible the entire time."

"Don't remind me. That was so awful."

I take a sip from my drink, feeling the alcohol loosening my tongue before I speak up again.

"You had your surgery abroad, hadn't you?"

"Thailand. It was way cheaper down there. Plus you don't have to spend so much time, begging for some weird psychotherapist to sign your papers. A few years ago, it was even worse. I hated all this psycho crap so much."

"I think Bella's therapist is good for her. She helps her to understand why she feels the way she does."

"What do you know about that? A shitty nothing, that's all. You're holding Bella back. Having a baby? I bet you got pregnant on purpose."

"Erica, it's enough." Ben tells her, taking the glass of wine from her to shove it over to the other side of the table. "You had enough of wine for tonight."

"He's right about that, sweetheart. It's their choice whether they want to have kids or not."

"Right," Alice whispers. Her forehead crinkles as she watches Andrea stroke eagerly over Erica's hair to calm her down again.

"I think you should send your Mom one of the ultrasonic pictures. That will warm her heart towards the little one." Rosie suggests.

"My mother and my stepdad made it pretty clear, that they are not thrilled about my pregnancy."

"What about your real father?" Angie asks her, putting some grilled vegetables on Alice's plate. "Maybe he'd be happy to know he's going to have a grandchild."

"He died when I was a little child. I can't even remember him at all."


	68. Chapter 68

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to all of you, who took the time to read and leave a review. I'm always looking forward to reading your thoughts on my little story.

There is some time jump from the last chapter to this one. I know, people don't like those in stories but it seemed necessary for me to move the plot forward…

**FAQ's**

Why is Erica such a bitch?

I think, she's been confronted with a lot of discrimination because of her being transgender and her bitchiness is her way to deal with that.

How old is Andrea?

She's forty-two years old

****68****

_Alice_

I can feel my palms starting to sweat when I park the car in front of the art gallery. Maybe this is a bad idea. They will probably laugh about my paintings and I won't be able to endure that. It would be too humiliating. But I need to find a way to make some money of my own. Bella insists it's completely unnecessary but still, it makes me feel so awkward to depend on her financially.

During the past months we have grown even closer and I enjoy the way she takes care of me so much. We belong together, no matter what and I can't wait for the little one to finally be born in two weeks. I feel like a bloated whale. I walk like a crippled duck and haven't seen my feet in a very long time.

Emmett has finally managed to propose to Rose and when they are going to get married next spring, I will hopefully have managed to get the weight down enough to wear a cute little dress to that occasion.

My back hurts like crap, as I load one of the paintings out of the trunk. Entering the gallery, I take a deep breath and force my mouth into my brightest smile.

"Can I help you, Miss?" the thin-lipped woman at the front desk asks me, taking a sip from the bottle of water in her hand.

"I'd like to sell some of my paintings. May I show them to you?"

"Did you have an exhibition yet?"

I shake my head, leaning back against the wall behind me as I feel a wave of dizziness spreading through me. "Not exactly,"

"Well, then I don't think there is anything we can do for you. Our gallery has no interest in buying the works of unknown artists."

"But maybe…," I start hesitantly, trying to think of a good reason to give her, so that she at least takes a look at my painting. I feel awful. My mother was right, this painting stuff is none sense and a terrible waste of time.

"Maybe you should concentrate on other things at the moment, Miss." she tells me, her eyes wandering up and down my swollen abdomen.

"Yeah, maybe I should." I whisper, my voice already thick with tears. I hate that I'm such a crybaby at the moment. The tiniest things can make me cry. Guess that must be the pregnancy hormones.

Walking out of the door, I almost lose my balance as I bounce against a tall dark-haired figure.

"Oh, hi there!"

Crap, what is Andrea doing here? I don't want anyone to witness my embarrassing failure in selling my works. Plus, I have a certain feeling that Erica's girlfriend doesn't like me very much. It's the way she looks at me, like she hates me. I don't know what I have done wrong. We have barely spoken more than a few words with each other. I told her that I was born in Mississippi and somehow that didn't exactly win her for me.

"Did you buy that painting here? Wow, that's fantastic."

"No, it's one of mine."

"Andrea! Darling! It has been too long!" The gallery owner calls out, wrapping her arms around Andrea to plant kisses on her cheek.

"It's good to see you. How's business going?"

"Not too bad. I can't complain and now that you have called me that you need something nice for your new house here in Seattle—I insist you spend a ton of money here."

"Do you have some more similar to that one?" she asks her, pointing towards my painting. I blush, feeling the heat spreading in my already overheated face. Damn it, why is it so horribly warm today?

"We don't sell works of unknown artists. You should know that, sweetie."

"She did that? Oh Alice, this is so lovely. How you use the colors and everything. You are gifted."

"Thanks," I mumble, pulling out a tissue to wipe some sweat from my forehead. "You don't need to sugarcoat things for me. It's bad. Your friend here made it pretty clear that she's not interested in looking at my paintings."

"Maybe you could have a quick look at them. It won't hurt, right?" Andrea suggests. "And I am definitely interested in buying at least the one she has here. I can buy it over your gallery or directly from Alice, it's your choice."

"Fine, bring the other paintings in. You do have an exposé of your paintings, haven't you?"

I nod my head and walk, as quickly as I can with my huge belly out to the parking lot to get the folder. When I return, another wave of dizziness brings me to my knees. Pain cramps in my lower back. Is it possible that my spine is going to break from the baby's weight?

"Andrea, why would you waste money on some College girl's work? That's ridiculous." The gallery owner asks her, not noticing me kneeling in the door frame a few steps away from them.

"It's complicated."

"How so?"

"You have to keep your mouth shut about it. Can you promise me that?"

"Do I look like someone who gossips? My lips are sealed."

"Do you remember my ex-wife back in Biloxi?"

"You haven't mentioned her in forever. Didn't she remarry this military dude?"

"Yes, she did. They moved around a lot for a few years as far as I know."

"What does that have to do with you buying these paintings?"

"Well, you know that we had a little daughter together. Mary Alice. My wife wouldn't let me see her anymore after I told her I was planning on living full time as a woman."

"Don't tell me this Alice is your kid? Are you sure? Fuck, does she know about that?"

"Of course not! Alice can't know about this. She can never know."

Pain spreads through me and it's my heart that is hurting way more now than my back. I try to stand up again, but then I slip on some warm wetness that keeps trickling down my thighs.


	69. Chapter 69

[Disclaimer] All things Twilight still belong to Stephenie Meyer.

[A/N] I'm thrilled about the amazing response on the last update. It makes me happy that you enjoy reading my story here.

*Tissue warning* - This made me cry while writing it…

****69****

_Alice_

A loud groan leaves my throat as I try to get up on my feet again. Unfortunately that brings the attention of the gallery owner and Andrea to me. Both of them rush to my side, kneeling down next to me on the ground.

"Are you hurt?"

"Shit, what's all that liquid on the floor? Has her water broken?"

Andrea reaches out her hand and for the first time I realize that her eye-color is the same shade of plain grey than my own. It's so weird and I try to open my mouth to say something but nothing but another moan comes out of it. Painful cramps shake my entire body and when I try to stand up, they seem to get even worse.

"Arrrgghh,"

"Let me help you up. How far are your contractions apart?"

"I don't know. It hurts the entire time." I sob, leaning my face against the wall next to me. I start crying and when Andrea carefully touches my hair, I shrug back.

"Don't touch me!"

"You're scared. That's normal. I assume this is your first baby."

"My baby is no business of yours. You fucking liar! I heard what you told her! I heard everything…_Dad_."

She stiffens, inhaling sharply between her teeth. Her face pales and it looks as if she's close to fainting.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want you to find out like that. I know this must be horrible for you. I promised your mother, I wouldn't try to contact you ever again."

"I thought you were dead! Mom told me you are dead. How do you think that made me feel? Not that you give a shit about my feelings!"

I cry, feeling another cramp building in my lower abdomen. I need to call Bella to come here and get me but my cell is in my car and I don't know if I manage to get there without help. I certainly don't want any help from _her_.

"Alice, baby, I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you. I just couldn't. Everything is so complicated and right now is not the time to explain things to you."

"I want to go home."

"Sweetie, the only place you are supposed to go to is the hospital." She tells me, wrapping one arm around my shoulder and the other around my hip to help me up. I want to protest but I'm too weak and when she drags me out to her car, I can't do anything but sob silently.

"They can give you something against the pain when you are in the hospital. Try to breathe in very deeply. That should help you to relax a bit."

"I don't want you to drive me to the hospital. I don't want anything to do with you."

She wraps the seatbelt around me and wipes my running nose with a tissue before she starts the engine of the car.

"Please, don't hate me. I never meant to hurt you."

"You left me behind. You didn't even send me a card for Christmas or my birthday."

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Leaving you behind was the second hardest thing I ever had to do in my life."

I try to breathe through another contraction, while the baby kicks against my palm.

"Can you drive me home to Bella? No, crap, she's at Edward's new place now, helping him to decorate stuff."

"You should go to the hospital. That's where I'm going to bring you."

"The birth is going to take hours. I want to be with Bella. I can't do this without her."

"Are you sure?"

"No! But I want Bella! I need her."

Andrea's driving style seems terribly slow to me but about twenty minutes later she pulls up the drive way to the hospital.

Bella is standing next to Edward and I cringe when I see the wheelchair in front of her. I don't need a wheelchair. That's completely unnecessary.

"Oh baby, there you are. I was worried sick when Andrea called me."

"Why are you here before us?"

"Because your cousin drives like a maniac," my girlfriend stats before she helps me out of the car. "Now, let us get you inside before you give birth on the parking lot."

The gynecologist explains that it's too late for any kind of pain medication when she examines me and Bella almost jumps in her face.

"But she's in pain! You need to do something!"

"Millions of women have babies every day without any medical support."

"I don't give a shit about that. You are going to give her some painkillers now."

"The baby is going to be born before they'd start working. She's ready to start pushing. Do you want to stay here during the birth?"

"You're not going to make her leave, are you? Bella, please…,"

"I would never leave you." she whispers, sitting down behind me on the hospital bed. "I love you."

I groan and try to suppress a scream in my throat when I start pushing. It hurts, it burns and I'm cursing myself that I haven't agreed on the goddamn caesarian section.

"I can't do this."

"Yes, you can, honey. Squeeze my hand, squeeze it as hard as you can. You can do no harm."

The doctor snarls some instructions to me and mechanically I obey, pushing and pushing against the terrible burning pain between my thighs.

Then she tells me to stop and I bite my lower lip so hard that it starts bleeding. I push again, unable to hold back the screams. I don't want to scream but it hurts so much.

A whimpering noise reaches my ear and a moment later, the doctor places a blood covered new-born on my chest. He doesn't scream, just whimper like an angry kitten.

"Hey, little baby. There you are."

Bella sobs and tightens the grip of her arms around me. She reaches out her hand and circles it over the dark hair on our son's head.

"Andy's so beautiful, beautiful just like his mother."


	70. Chapter 70

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Double update today for you, my lovely readers, hope you enjoy.

**It Won't Rain** is very close to being finished and I want to thank all of you who have been with me during this journey. Without your support, I couldn't have done it.

****70****

I lean down and plant a kiss on Alice's closed eyelids. She's so exhausted after the birth and I decide that it's best when she gets some rest now. The baby whimpers, wrapping his tiny fist around my finger as I carry him out of the room.

"We need to let your Mommy sleep. She's tired. You're not hungry again, are you?"

Outside on the corridor, Edward and his parents are arguing loudly with Andrea who is sitting on a plastic chair at the side. The make-up on her face is smeared all over her cheeks and she's sobbing loudly.

"What's going on here? Why is she crying?"

Esme jumps from her seat next to Andrea and clears her throat nervously.

"It's complicated. We can talk about that later. Now let me see the baby. Oh god, he's so cute. Can I hold him?"

"Mom, it's just a baby."

"You know nothing about that kind of things, Edward. Carlisle, darling, just look at him. He has so much hair. Edward was completely bald when he was born. Do you remember?"

"Yes, I do and now look at all the tousled mess on his head."

The smile on Carlisle's face freezes when he turns to Andrea.

"You stay away from Alice. Are we clear about that?"

"Why are you so rude to her? She brought Alice to the hospital. She's our friend."

"I'm in my office. Edward, you should drive your mother home."

Esme hands me the baby back and he starts screaming as loudly as his little lungs let him. For the next minutes I rock him back and forth, unsure if I should ask a nurse to help me with him. Maybe he's sick? Maybe he's hungry? Crap, I don't know a thing about babies. What if I mess this up?

"I should go. Is Alice okay? I need to know if she's okay."

"She's sleeping. Why was Carlisle so mad at you? He doesn't even know you."

"He does. Oh my god, this is so hopeless. Alice, she must hate me so much for what I have done to her."

I sit down next to her, glad that Andy has finally stopped crying. Andrea sniffs and reaches out her fingers to touch his nose.

"He looks just like Alice when she was born, just bigger. She was so tiny…so tiny. I could hold her little head in my palm…oh my god…,"

"Andrea, what is wrong with you? You're not making any sense to me."

She sighs, wiping her running nose on the back of her hand before she grabs her handbag from the ground to search through it.

"This is the only picture from _before_ that I kept. I kept it because Alice was in it."

Her hands are trembling when she shows me the wrinkled Polaroid picture. The curly-haired girl that smiles into the camera looks happy, much unlike the man on which lap she's sitting. He seems tensed, the lips pressed into a tight line.

"You are Alice's father?"

"I was. But I hated being a man so much. I tried so very hard to fit into the role I was supposed to have in life but I couldn't. I drank too much alcohol and things got pretty ugly. For a few years, I was never completely sober. I hoped so desperately that my feelings about wanting to be a woman would just go away. I wanted to drown them in the liqueur but it wouldn't work."

"I know how that is like. My parents weren't exactly supportive when I told them I'm transgender. To my father, I'm practically dead. He thinks I'm a disgusting freak."

"My ex-wife caught me trying on one of her dresses. That's how she found out. She told me to stay the hell away from the little one so that the child wouldn't get influenced from my….sick behavior."

"I'm sorry about that. Things must have been difficult for you."

"You can't image how often I wanted to contact Alice but my ex-wife moved around so much that after a few years I didn't even know where they were living. And I was so busy with my transition. It consumed all the energy I had."

"Does Erica know?"

"That I was married – yes. Not about Alice being my daughter. I don't know how she'd take that information."

"She should understand how difficult things are like for you. If she loves you she should support you."

"If she loves me…I don't think I deserve anyone's love. Alice hates me. She won't forgive me for abandoning her for all these years."

I shake my head and take her hand, pulling her with me towards Alice's room.

My lovely girlfriend is about to wake up when we enter.

"Morning, sleeping beauty, our prince is hungry and hopes you have some milk for him."

She smiles and sits up in the bed, her smile turning into a frown when she notices Andrea behind me.

"What is she still doing here?"

"Alice, please, try to stay calm. I know the situation is difficult for you, for both of you."

"Do you know who _she_ is?"

"Yes, I do."

"She left me! She left me behind because she didn't love me!" Alice calls out, bursting into tears. I put the baby down in the cradle next to her bed before I wrap my arms around Alice and hold her close.

"She left her male past behind, not you."

Andrea sits down on the edge of the bed, reaching out her hand to place it carefully on Alice's smaller one.

"I love you. Baby, I never stopped loving you. I hated my life in Biloxi so much. I hated everything about being Andrew…but I love you. You're the only good thing I managed to produce as a man."

Alice sobs, lifting her head from my chest. My blouse is soaked with her tears. I hate to see her cry.

"I'll need to time forgive you. I don't even know who you are but I want to know."


	71. Chapter 71

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for your reviews. It makes me happy that you enjoy my little story here so much.

****71****

I massage her shoulder tenderly, rubbing a bit of the scented oil into the tensed muscles on her neck.

"You need to relax. I know you're getting not enough sleep because the baby is keeping you up all night."

"I can't sleep when I have too much going on in my head."

"Do you want to talk about it with me? You know that you can tell me everything."

She sighs leaning back against the pillows behind us. The baby starts crying and I lift him up to rock him gently back and forth. When I put the tip of my finger in his mouth he starts sucking gently, his little forehead crinkling in concentration.

"Aren't you going to sleep at night, like a good baby should do it?"

"Maybe, he's hungry again. Give him to me."

Andy whimpers softly until his little mouth finds the nipple of Alice's right breast and starts suckling greedily. I need to convince Alice to stop breast feeding, so that I can feed him too. That way she would get some sleep now and then.

"See, I knew you were hungry. You are always hungry, aren't you?"

"He needs you." I whisper, hugging her tightly from behind. "I need you too. I love you so much."

"Promise me you never leave me."

"Alice, why are you always asking that? I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm scared you could leave me when things get complicated the next time. I'm worried about that."

I pull her closer, nuzzling my face against her neck to plant a kiss on her soft skin. "I will never leave you. When we have problems, I want us to talk things out."

I stand up from the bed and search for the dust covered box underneath the bed. Nervously, I clear my throat before I pull it out and open it.

"What are you looking for?" Alice asks me, wiping a tiny milk drop from the baby's mouth. He has a tendency to fall asleep while he's eating. I place Andy back in his crib and kiss his little snub nose tenderly. I love this little boy so much. I hope he'll be happy with who he is going to be.

"Bella?"

"Close your eyes for me."

Taking a deep breathe, I open the velvet covered box and place the emerald ring on my right palm.

"Now, you may look."

"Oh my god,"

"I don't know how I am supposed to do this. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I don't want you to worry about me leaving you ever again."

Her eyes fill with tears, a dry sob building in her throat as she tries to hold them back.

"Will you wear my grandmother's ring for me? I want you to."

"Yes, yes, yes. Of course I want to. I love you."

I take her hand and blow a kiss on each of her knuckles before I slip the ring down her finger. It's a bit too big for her dainty finger but I can let them fix that soon.

Her eyes stay focused on the emerald stone in the ring. Renee would be mad at me if she knew that I'm giving this hand-me-down away. But Alice and Andy are my family now. They are all that matters to me. I love both of them with all of my heart.

"The ring looks expensive."

"It was my late grandmother's. She told me to give it to the woman I love. If you say you won't accept it, you're hurting the little pride I have. I want you to have it. I want you to be my wife."

She leans forward, kissing my mouth, until both of us are breathing heavily.

"I like the ring but I think we should use the money on something else."

"On what?"

"Your bottom surgery. I want you to take the money for that. I don't need a pretty ring. All I need is you and I want you to feel as happy as you can. Zafrina has signed your papers last month. When where you planning on telling me about that, Bella?"

"How do you know?"

"I might have found the papers in your handbag when I was looking for the car keys."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought…Crap, I thought you didn't want to share this news with me. I thought you were going to make a run, if I confronted you with it."

"Is that why you are always asking me if I'm going to leave you?"

She nods her head and I pull her on my lap, wrapping my arms around her to hold her as close to me as possible.

"You should have told me."

"I was scared."

"You shouldn't be scared to tell me anything. The only reason why I haven't told you about the papers was because the birth of the baby seemed more important to me. I wanted you to focus on that, not me."

"Will you still stay with me and Andy when you had your operation?"

"My love for you is in my heart, not between my legs. I will always love you, no matter if I have the surgery or not."

"Do you want to have it?"

"Yes, I do, but we don't have money left right now."

"You could sell your grandmother's ring. I bet that's worth a lot."

"I want you to wear it as an engagement ring."

"So, that would make it mine. I'm going to sell it and pay for your surgery."

"You can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because…because…I don't know but I think it's wrong. It would be selfish to use the money on me."

She takes the ring off and blows a kiss on it, before placing it carefully on the nightstand.

"As your wife, I'm supposed to help you achieve anything you want in life. You've waited your entire life to become a woman and I can't wait for your dream to come true."


	72. Chapter 72

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks for all your encouraging reviews. I love reading your thoughts on my little story here.

This chapter is dedicated to Silva86 & CULLENCRAZY1. Thank you for always listening to me and being so incredibly supportive.

****72****

„I can't believe she told you to sell your grandmother's ring for your surgery."

I take a sip from the bottle of water in my hands. My stomach is growling but I'm already too tensed and nervous to eat. The surgery is tomorrow morning and I can barely focus on anything else.

"You're just jealous because no one has ever done such a thing for you, Erica."

"Who asked for your opinion, Jake?"

"Guys, please, we're holding this meeting to support Bella. Tomorrow is an important day for her." Ben stats, running his fingers through his freshly cut hair.

"I know. Sweetie, I'm glad you're having your bottom surgery. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know."

"Thanks," I murmur. "Maybe you can start by stopping to give Andrea a hard time."

"That's between me and her. I love her but I'm angry that she didn't tell me the truth right from the start. She should have trusted me."

"Yeah, cause you are so easy to trust. Give it a rest. Andrea is stupid enough to have fallen for a bitch like you. If you ask me…and yes, I know you're not…you should hold on to her." Jake tells her, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

A knock on the door makes us turn around and I stand up, taking the baby from Andrea, while Alice behind her puts two large plastic bags on the ground.

"Hey baby, did Mommy take you shopping again?"

"Is this a day nursery now?"

"Erica, don't be like that." Andrea tells her, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. She plants a kiss underneath Erica's earlobe, making her giggle.

"I'm going to help Alice with taking care of the baby while Bella is in the hospital."

"I can help you too. Not with the little one, I'm not that good with kids, but with housework or…well, whatever kind of help you could need."

"You want to help me?" Alice's voice comes out a bit too surprised. Erica is my friend. Of course, she's going to support me after the surgery.

"Our time is up now. Good luck for tomorrow, Bella. You can do it."

Ben hugs me tightly, followed by Jake who plants a kiss on my cheek, handing me a blue cartoon with a pink ribbon around it.

"That's a present for you, from all of us."

He tells me not to open it until I'm home but my curiosity makes me fumble the ribbon open as soon as I'm outside the building.

My face reddens when I take the first glass dilator out.

"Oh shit,"

"You're going to need those after the surgery. Right?"

I nod my head and quickly close the box again, placing it next to the baby's seat before I sit down on the passenger's seat.

"You and Andrea are getting along pretty fine at the moment."

"She's nice. I like her. I just don't know how I am supposed to feel about her. It's like she's my mother, only that me and my mom never were close. I think I reminded her of my father. That explains why she was always so cold to me. Why she was so afraid that I wouldn't be normal."

I take her hand, rubbing my thumb over her fingers before lifting it up to my mouth to blow a kiss over them.

"You have to promise me that we let Andy be how he wants to be and who he wants to be."

"Yes, yes, of course. I love him. All I want is that he's happy. All I want is that you are happy. That's why I wanted you to have the surgery."

"I'm still scared."

"About the pain?"

"More about how I will feel when I wake up afterwards. I'm scared it will be too overwhelming."

"I'll be there when you wake up. Andrea is going to pick up our little man and I'll stay at the hospital with you until everything is over."

"She's quite fond of the baby, isn't she?"

"I think she's trying to make up for all the time she didn't take care of me. But I'm glad that Andy is going to have at least one grandparent."

During the entire night, I can't manage to sleep for just one minute. I lock myself in the bathroom and cry in the shower. My hands move down my cock, circling it with trembling fingertips. I hate this thing down there so much. It's responsible that I was assigned to be a boy after my birth, the reason why I never was allowed to feel like I do. I remember praying to God as a child to let it disappear. My whole life would have been so much easier if I had been born with the right set of genitals.

"I hate you." I whisper between sobs. "I can't wait for you to be gone."

The water above me is getting cold and with chattering teeth, I step out of the shower again, wrapping a towel around my body.

"Bella, honey, are you alright? You have been in there for over an hour."

I open the door and sit down on the edge of the bathtub. Alice places the baby in my arms before she sits down in front of me on the floor.

"We were worried about you."

"I'm sorry but I'm so terribly nervous about the operation."

"That's okay. If you're having second thoughts, we can still cancel everything. I will always support you, no matter what you choose to do."

"I want the surgery, without it I can never feel complete. But the thing is that I can't imagine how it will be like to feel that way. My entire life, I have felt wrong, alien-like."

She nods her head and leans forward to kiss my mouth. When her tongue glides between my lips, I can taste salt on them. Both of us are crying now.

"Tomorrow," she whispers. "From tomorrow on you never have to feel like your body is wrong anymore."


	73. Chapter 73

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Thanks to those of you who are so incredibly supportive, I love you so much for your interest in my little story here. Without you I couldn't have done it.

Can I get a hug? I could need one right now. Maybe it will help me to stop stressing myself so much.

**FAQ's**

Will they freeze some sperm in case they want a second child later on?

Yes, they will.

Is it selfish that I want this story to be as long as WTHN?

No, it's not. Actually that proves how much you like this story here and that's flattering for me as an author. But the truth is that most of my stories and that includes WTHN are way too long. I have trouble letting go of things I love…

****73****

The beeping around me is getting louder and louder. It echoes in my ear while I try to fight against the urge to open my eyes. I don't want to wake up. I'm too tired. There are voices around me, talking to each other but I can't understand what the people are saying. It's like I'm underneath the surface of water.

A cold hand pushes my hair out of my forehead before I feel something wet against my dry lips. I am thirsty, terribly thirsty and for a moment I don't even know where I am. Then I remember the operation and try to open my eyes again.

"Baby, can you hear me? Please, try to wake up for me."

Alice. Alice is here with me.

I blink, my eyes instantly burning as I look into the bright light of the lamp above my head.

"Hey," Alice's voice is soft against my ear. She leans down and plants a chaste kiss on my mouth. Her face is covered in tears. I don't want her to cry.

I try to speak but my throat is raw, much like after the last surgery I had. My hand moves under the blanket but my entire genital area is wrapped in thick layers of gaze. I want to rip it open to see. I need to see or I won't be able to believe this is real.

"Are you in pain? I can ask the nurse to give you some more painkillers."

"No," I croak barely audible. "Did everything go ok?"

A sigh leaves my mouth when she nods her head, wiping some tears from her cheekbones.

She leans down and plants a kiss on my forehead when I already drift into sleep again.

The next days after the surgery I'm completely stoned from my medication until they finally decide to reduce the amount of painkillers they are giving me.

After that my mind starts working properly again and I'm finding it extremely difficult to keep myself from ripping up the gauze. I need to take look at what's underneath it. Then finally after a week I have been forced to stay in bed, my doctor shows up to inform me that I'm allowed to take a first look at myself.

My hands are quivering; my heart is pounding hectically in my chest as I lower the hand mirror between my thighs.

Everything is still bruised and swollen but where my dick has been all my life is now something that looks very much alike the genitals I've desired all my life. For the first time in my life, I'm not disgusted by my own body. More so, I feel clean, pure even. For the first time I feel like everything is right.

"I'm going to remove your catheter and then you are supposed to use the bathroom, so that we can see if your urethra is healing properly."

The nurse who guides me to the bathroom adjusted to my room doesn't make any intent to give me some privacy, until I tell her that there is no way I can pee while she is standing in front of me.

When I'm alone, I take a deep breath. It burns like fire, like salt on a raw wound and I stop. Shit. Is this going to be like that every time I pee?

I wipe myself carefully, touching my outer lips with my fingertip, parting them to take a look at the tiny little thing that is my clitoris. And I am supposed to have an orgasm with that?

With my head up high, I walk back into the room.

"How's it going?"

"Can't…well, I can…but burns like shit. I can't do this."

"You pee or you'll end up wearing diapers for the rest of your life. Back into the bathroom and give it another try. I know it hurts. That's normal. It will pass. Just keep going."

Like a good girl, I do as I'm told and when Alice comes to visit me later that day I have managed to pee twice, each time, ending up in a crying fit.

"Hey are you okay?" she asks me, sitting down on the edge of my bed with the baby in her arm.

"You look as if you've been crying."

"I was. It hurts so much. I know that it was going to hurt but it's really hard."

"Have you started working with your dilators?"

"Tomorrow, it's not something I am looking forward to. Am I too whiny? I feel like I'm complaining too much."

"No, you're not. If you want me to be there and help you, I will."

"I don't know, maybe later, when I'm more used to it. I don't want my first memory of you touching my new genitals be that of pain."

She hands me the baby and his huge blue eyes meet mine. I lean down and kiss his nose before caressing his chubby cheekbones with my fingers.

"I can't wait to come home again. Are you being a good boy, my little angel? Your Mommy looks tired."

"He likes to sleep on my arm. Each time I try to put him down, he starts crying. Oh and he likes the sound of car engines. Edward has suggested that we could drive him around a bit at night when he doesn't want to fall asleep."

"You are letting Edward drive around with our baby? Have you forgotten that he drives like a maniac?"

"He would never let anything happen to Andy. He loves the little one."

"I know. I'm still worried."

She cups my face in her hands and pulls my face closer to her. When her lips brush against mine, I feel a warm shiver running through my entire body.

Alice pulls back a moment later, it's only the baby in my arms that keeps me from pulling her on my lap.

"I didn't hurt you, did I? I know we still need to be careful. It's just that I miss being close to you so much."

"I'm not breakable. Now come here and give me another kiss."


	74. Chapter 74

[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer

[A/N] Here, it is; the last chapter of **It Won't Rain**. I want to thank all of you who have been so incredibly supportive. When I started this little story here, I didn't expect so many people to be interested in reading about a transgender character. I'm blessed to have such awesome readers like you.

Right now, I'm not sure which of my plot bunnies I'm going to follow next. There are so many options *sighs*

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the last chapter and thanks again for taking this journey with me.

****74****

Her hands are trembling when she lights the candles she has arranged all around the bed. She's nervous, just like me.

Gently I pull her towards me on the bed, cuddling against her from behind so that I can kiss the warm skin on her neck.

"We don't have to. Not tonight. We have time." I tell her between kisses.

She turns her head, planting another kiss on my mouth before she caresses my face with her fingertips. Her touch is light as a feather and yet it manages to set my entire skin under fire.

"I want to. It's just that I'm nervous. I don't want to hurt you or do anything wrong."

"You can do no wrong." I tell her, kissing her sweet lips again. "And don't worry about hurting me. I'm not a breakable doll. I am still me."

I am finally me, I add silently in my head before I loosen the towel around my upper body.

"Still you," she whispers, lowering her head to close her mouth around one of my nipples. I can feel it hardening against her tongue as she licks around it, sucking and nibbling my sensitive flesh in a teasingly slow rhythm.

For a moment I'm completely distracted by her caresses. Then I feel one of her hands moving down my upper body, over my belly button directly between my thighs. The moment her fingertips reach their goal, I groan loudly.

I reach for the bottle of lube on the nightstand. It makes me feel awkward that we will need this stuff from now on, but it's inevitable.

Alice takes the bottle from me and squirts a bit of the lube on two of her fingers. When she lowers her hand again and starts to rub the slick liquid over my outer lips, I whimper. The touch feels strange, so tingly and light. My clit throbs, not painfully overpowering like an erection. But still…there is so much sensation down there. I don't know how I am supposed to feel. How my body is supposed to react. This is so new and different.

"You have to tell me what you like. I want to make you feel good."

"Let me touch you. I want to touch you while you're touching me."

I pull her up, my face reddening when I see that her eyes are focused directly on my new sex. She has told me I'm beautiful. But the truth is that it's her love that makes me appear beautiful to her. I love her with all my heart. That part hasn't changed.

My mouth finds hers, our tongues touching and swirling around each other while my fingers shove the material of her thong aside.

"I don't think I need any lube for you, baby. You're already so warm and wet for me. Aren't you?"

She moans, burying her face against my shoulder while her fingertips move simultaneously with my own. I rub her outer lips between two fingers and a shudder goes throughout me as her thumb starts spreading around a bit more of the lube over my clit.

I mimic her movements, circling her clit lazily until her body starts trembling in my arms. The moment I shove two of my fingers deep inside her, the inner muscles tighten rhythmically.

"Yes, just like this. Come for me, sweetheart. Let me feel you come all over my fingers."

Alice groans, my insides start to flutter and when I close my eyes I can feel a shudder going down my body. My clit pulses against Alice's thumb but a heartbeat later the feeling is gone. I gasp for air, my heart racing hectically until manage to get my breathing under control again.

"I love you." She whispers into my ear. "Oh Bella, I love you so much."

I cup her face between my hands and plant kisses all over her flushed skin. I love that I can explore my new body with her. That she still wants me and desires me. I am blessed to have her by my side.

Andy starts crying through the little baby monitor Emmett and Rose have given us as a present. Our little prince doesn't like sleeping on his own.

"I'll go and check on him." I tell Alice, pulling a long shirt over my head.

When I reach his room, he's already screaming heartrendingly.

"Hey, little angel, did you wake up and no one was there with you? Come to Momma."

I rock him back and forth, lifting him up in the air to pretend he's a tiny little airplane. He squeaks and I'm glad that it is so easy to cheer him up. I want him to be a happy child. Maybe one day I will need to explain to him why he has two mothers and no father. I hope he'll understand my decision. Why I need to be the person I always wanted to be. Grabbing his fairytale book from the shelf, I sit down in the rocking chair in the corner.

"_I know what you want," said the sea witch; "it is very stupid of you, but you shall have your way, and it will bring you to sorrow, my pretty princess. You want to get rid of your fish's tail, and to have two supports instead of it, like human beings on earth, so that the young prince may fall in love with you, and that you may have an immortal soul."_

My voice is thick with tears when I close the book again, noticing that my son has already fallen asleep again. See, my little darling, your Momma was like the little mermaid in the story. She wanted to be what she was never meant to be. Everyone told her she couldn't but she was a stubborn little mermaid and wouldn't give up.

"I want you to read me the end of the fairytale." Alice whispers, as she enters the room and sits down on my lap to rest her head against my shoulder. "Will you?"


	75. Chapter 75

[A/N]

Hi there, my lovely readers, I wanted to let you know that **It Won't Rain** has been nominated at **twifanfictionrecs** **com** for Top Ten Completed Fics for August 2012. If you feel like it, you may vote for my little story over there.

Also, I have decided on writing a sequel for **It Won't Rain**. It's called **The Mermaid's Pearl** and you are more than welcome to check it out.

Thank you for being such amazing readers. Without you, I wouldn't be here.

Follow me on Twitter _MyTwiDreams_ or say hi to me on Facebook – _Elizabeth Charlotte Cullen_ – if you'd like to.


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